The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prison they let you play Softball on the weekends.
~ Bobby Kelton
My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce murder yes but divorce never.
~ Jack Benny
Let me give you an idea how long ago they got married. You know where they met? . . . At a Cubs World Series game.
~ Jay Leno
You might try doing what my folks did. Twice a week they would go out for a special meal. . . with wine good food and soft lighting. Dad took Tuesday and Mom took Thursday.
~ Anonymous
He had a great sound system - but he didn't know much about fidelity.
Getting married is a good deal like going to a restaurant with your friends. You order what you want and then when you see what the other fellow got you wish you had taken that.
~ Clarence Darrow
Prenuptial agreement: Paper a lawyer prepares to protect the party of the first part from the party of the second part should they discover the party's over.
~ Rheta G. Johnson
After our honeymoon I felt like a new man. She said she did too.
I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
We've never been happier. Things are great. . . I just don't go into her part of the house.
~ Buddy Hackett
My wife divorced me because of illness. She got sick of me.
A friend of mine hated her husband so much that when he died she had him cremated blended him with marijuana and smoked him. She said That's the best he's made me feel in years.
~ Maureen Murphy
We split up over religious differences - she worshiped money . . . and I didn't have any.
~ B. J. Cole
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first divorced me and the second won't.
For their last anniversary she gave him a set of luggage - packed.
God this request isn't for me it's for my mom. . . . Could you send her a son-in-law?
~ Lane Lenhart
Somehow there was a lack of communication - She thought he said: Till debt do us part.
~ Brian Morgan
A faithful husband is one whose alimony check is always on time.
The clearest explanation for the failure of any marriage is that two people are incompatible that is one is male and the other female.
~ Anna Quindlen
A lot of people have asked me how short I am. Since my last divorce I think I'm about a hundred thousand dollars short.
~ Mickey Rooney
My sister started to smell trouble when on the second day of her honeymoon the groom started asking for separate checks.
~ Wendy Morgan
I remember when I got married. I remember where I got married. But for the life of me I can't remember why I got married.
I've married a few people I shouldn't have but haven't we all?
~ Mamie Van Doren
Not all of his relationships were meant to end . . . Once he sent a postcard and inadvertently wrote Wish you were her.
My second ex-wife was really kind of like a ship passing in the night. Only she turned out to be the Exxon Valdez.
~ James Woods
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
~ Groucho Marx
Going shopping with your husband is like his going fishing with the game warden.
My wife and I had words - but I never got to use mine.
~ Fibber Mcgee
He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow.
~ George Eliot
He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals.
~ Benjamin Franklin
Self-love is the greatest of all flatterers.
~ La Rochefoucauld
All men love themselves.
~ Plautus
I to myself am dearer than a friend.
~ William Shakespeare
To love one's self is the beginning of a life-long romance.
~ Wilde Self-Made
He is a self-made man and worships his creator.
~ John Bright
Every man is the architect of his own fortune.
~ English Proverb
True love is like ghosts which everybody talks about and few have seen.
~ François De La Rochefoucauld
True love is eternal infinite and always like itself. It is equal and pure without violent demonstrations: it is seen with white hairs and is always young in the heart.
~ Honoré De Balzac
Generally by the time you are Real most of your hair has been loved off and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all because once you are Real you can't be ugly except to people who don't understand.
~ Margery Williams
All kings and all their favourites All glory of honours beauties wits The sun itself which makes time as they pass Is elder by a year now than it was When thou and I first one another saw. All other things to their destruction draw Only our love hath no decay This no to-morrow hath nor yesterday Running it never runs from us away But truly keeps his first last everlasting day.
~ John Donne
