Chelsea Handler said this quote

“ My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for. ”

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There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.

~ Chelsea Handler

Chelsea Handler Alcohol Drinking Drinks Humor

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

~ Chelsea Handler

Chelsea Handler Humor

Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.

~ Chelsea Handler

Chelsea Handler Drinking Humor

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

~ Chelsea Handler

Chelsea Handler Comedy Funny Humor