Ambrose Bierce Quotes

Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are not as they ought to be.

~ Ambrose Bierce

The hardest tumble a man can take is to fall over his own bluff.

~ Ambrose Bierce

In this world one must have a name; it prevents confusion, even when it does not establish identity. Some, though, are known by numbers, which also seem inadequate distinctions.

~ Ambrose Bierce

ABNORMAL, adj. Not conforming to standards in matters of thought and conduct. To be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested.A striving toward the straiter [sic] resemblance of the Average Man than he hath to himself, whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and the hope of Hell.

~ Ambrose Bierce

A popular author is one who writes what the people think. Genius invites them to think something else.

~ Ambrose Bierce

TELEPHONE n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

~ Ambrose Bierce

When he had ended, the holy hermit was a moment silent, then said: My son, I have attended to thy story and I know the maiden. I have myself seen her, as have many. Know, then, that she is capricious for she imposeth conditions that man cannot fulfill, and delinquency is punished by desertion. She cometh only when unsought, and will not be questioned. One manifestation of curiosity, one sign of doubt, one expression of misgiving, and she is away!

~ Ambrose Bierce

Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offence.

~ Ambrose Bierce

They were obviously headstones of graves, though the graves themselves no longer existed as either mounds or depressions; the years had leveled all. Scattered here and there, more massive blocks showed where some pompous or ambitious monument had once flung its feeble defiance at oblivion.

~ Ambrose Bierce

Logic, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. The basic of logic is the syllogism, consisting of a major and a minor premise and a conclusion - thus:Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man.Minor Premise: One man can dig a post-hole in sixty seconds; Therefore-Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a post-hole in one second.This may be called syllogism arithmetical, in which, by combining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are twice blessed.

~ Ambrose Bierce

JEALOUS, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.

~ Ambrose Bierce

On this night I had searched for them without success, fearing to find them; they were nowhere in the house, nor about the moonlit dawn. For, although the sun is lost to us for ever, the moon, full-orbed or slender, remains to us. Sometimes it shines by night, sometimes by day, but always it rises and sets, as in that other life.

~ Ambrose Bierce

Immortality: A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right proud Eternally to die for.

~ Ambrose Bierce

Prejudice is a vagrant opinion without visible means of support.

~ Ambrose Bierce

Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.

~ Ambrose Bierce

Achievement is the death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.

~ Ambrose Bierce

Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.

~ Ambrose Bierce

Piracy n: commerce without its folly-swaddles - just as God made it.

~ Ambrose Bierce

Abstainer: a weak man who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

~ Ambrose Bierce

Christian: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbour.

~ Ambrose Bierce

Mausoleum n: the final and funniest folly of the rich.

~ Ambrose Bierce

Epitaph n: an inscription on a tomb showing that virtues acquired by death have a retroactive effect.

~ Ambrose Bierce

That sovereign of insufferables.

~ Ambrose Bierce

Destiny n: a tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure.

~ Ambrose Bierce

History n: an account mostly false of events mostly unimportant which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves and soldiers mostly fools.

~ Ambrose Bierce

Acquaintance n: a person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well enough to lend to.

~ Ambrose Bierce

Appeal in law: to put the dice into the box for another throw.

~ Ambrose Bierce

Litigant: a person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bone.

~ Ambrose Bierce

Painting n: the art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.

~ Ambrose Bierce

Commendation n: the tribute that we pay to achievements that resemble but do not equal our own.

~ Ambrose Bierce

Apologize v: to lay the foundation for a future offence.

~ Ambrose Bierce

Admiration: Our polite recognition of another man's resemblance to ourselves.

~ Ambrose Bierce

The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.

~ Ambrose Bierce

Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.

~ Ambrose Bierce

We submit to the majority because we have to. But we are not compelled to call our attitude of subjection a posture of respect.

~ Ambrose Bierce

Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.

~ Ambrose Bierce

Wit - the salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.

~ Ambrose Bierce

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

~ Ambrose Bierce

Destiny: A tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure.

~ Ambrose Bierce

Famous, adj.: Conspicuously miserable.

~ Ambrose Bierce