Aziz Ansari Quotes

In today's romantic climate, many people are plagued by what we will call the upgrade problem. Singles constantly wonder whether there is a better match, an upgrade.

~ Aziz Ansari

The interesting thing about text is that, as a medium, it separates you from the person you are speaking with, so you can act differently from how you would in person or even on the phone.

~ Aziz Ansari

The ''good-enough marriage'' is definitely not good enough for today's singles. We're not content to marry someone who happens to live down the street and gets along okay with our parents.

~ Aziz Ansari

So love goes from feeling like I’m doing cocaine to feeling how I feel about my uncle? I don’t want to make companionate love sound like a bummer. It is love, just less intense and more stable. There is still passion, but it’s balanced with trust, stability, and an understanding of each other’s flaws.

~ Aziz Ansari

You get all these different cuts of meat cooking at once' he said. 'You've got your sausage, which cooks fast. You've got your big steak, which is your best cut, which takes some time, right? You got to talk to all these girls at once just like you take care of all that meat at once'After he made this analogy, I presented Ajay with a trophy that said 'Most Sexist Food Analogy of All Time: Meat and BBQ division'.

~ Aziz Ansari

If you were in a bar, would you ever go up to a guy or girl and repeat the word hey without getting a response? Would you ever go up to a woman you met two minutes ago and beg her to show you one of your boobs? And do you really want to bone someone who responds to this?

~ Aziz Ansari

One girl raved about a nice voicemail a guy had recently left her. I kindly requested she play it and heard this gem: 'Hey, Lydia. It's Sam. Just calling to say what's up. Gimme a ring when you get a chance.'THAT WAS IT.I pleaded to know what was so great about this. She sweetly recalled that 'he remembered my name, he said hi, and he told me to call him back.'Never mind the fact that what she described was the content of LITERALLY EVERY VOICE MAIL IN HISTORY. Name, hello, please call back. Not really a boatload of charm on display. To fail this test, a guy would have to leave a message that said: 'No greeting. This is man. I don't remember you. End communication.

~ Aziz Ansari

That's the thing about the internet: it doesn't simply help us find the best thing out there; it has helped to produce the idea that there is a best thing, and, if we search hard enough, we can find it.

~ Aziz Ansari

Do It Under the Influence Yourself! That's what we're shooting for! Get drunk and make your dreams come true.

~ Aziz Ansari

Every time I've done comedy in, like, traditional comedy clubs, there's always these comedians that do really well with audiences but that the other comedians hate because they're just, you know, doing kind of cheap stuff like dancing around or doing, like, very kind of base sex humor a lot, and stuff like that.

~ Aziz Ansari