Christopher Moore Quotes

The Painting is not shit,' said Lucien.'I know,' said Henri. 'That was just part of the subterfuge. I am of royal lineage; subterfuge is one of the many talents we carry in our blood, along with guile and hemophilia.

~ Christopher Moore

Of course they won't bloody remember, they'll be dead.' Then she called him a name in a dead language that translated, roughly, to 'poop on a stick,' but sounded more succinct, like this: 'Of course they won't bloody remember, they'll be dead, Poopstick.

~ Christopher Moore

I like a girl with a substantial bottom,' said Renoir, drawing in the air the size bottom he preferred.

~ Christopher Moore

Whistler,' Manet called. 'How's your mother?

~ Christopher Moore

Does the work get easier once you know what you are doing?Your lungs grow thick with stone dust and your eyes bleary from the sun and fragments thrown up by the chisel. You pour your lifeblood out into works of stone for Romans who will take your money in taxes to feed soldiers who will nail your people to crosses for wanting to be free. Your back breaks, your bones creak, your wife screeches at you, and your children torment you with open begging mouths, like greedy baby birds in the nest. You go to bed every night so tired and beaten that you pray to the Lord to send the angel of death to take you in your sleep so you don't have to face another morning. It also has its downside.

~ Christopher Moore

I tried cutting myself to express my heartbreak over Tommy (Lord Flood) rejecting me, but OMFG it hurts like flaming fuck.

~ Christopher Moore

What love is not torment when a man knows not how to love himself? Talk not of drowning, but attaining your heart's desire by action: Put money in thy purse.

~ Christopher Moore

So I am death Charlie said then turned to his daughter while buttering his toast.This is death toast sweety.

~ Christopher Moore

...as if someone had thrown a hand grenade into the middle of a teddy bear orgy and the only survivors had had their fur blown off.

~ Christopher Moore

I'm feeling full of tiny princes, bustling to get out into the world and start plotting against one another.

~ Christopher Moore

Children see magic because they look for it.

~ Christopher Moore

Why write a song when no one can play the notes or understand the lyrics?

~ Christopher Moore

Andrew Lloyd Webber's version of the Kool-Aid jingle is at once chilling and evocative. Donny Osmond is brilliant as James Jones.

~ Christopher Moore

Sweet Pocket, you mustn’t ask about my life before I came here. What I am now, I have always been, and everything I am is here with you.”　　“Sweet Thalia,” said I. “That is a fiery flagon of dragon toss.

~ Christopher Moore

You cannot believe what you do not believe, Rumi siad. I am an Untouchable because my karma dictates it.

~ Christopher Moore

If they'd been dogs, they would have all been in the yard eating grass and trying to yak up whatever was making them feel so lousy. Not a bone gnawed, not a ball chased-all tails went unwagged. Oh, life is a fast cat, a short leash, a flea in that place where you just can't scratch.

~ Christopher Moore

But Charlie could imagine, because he was a Beta Male, and imagination was his curse....

~ Christopher Moore

Blessed with the Beta Male imagination, he spent much of his life squinting into the future so he might spot ways in which the world was conspiring to kill him...

~ Christopher Moore

The Beta Male is seldom the strongest or the fastest, but because he can anticipate danger, he far outnumbers his Alpha Male competition. The world is led by Alpha Males, but the machinery of the world turns on the bearings of the Beta Male.

~ Christopher Moore

We were seekers. You are that which is sought, Joshua. You are the source. The end is divinity, in the beginning is the word. You are the word.

~ Christopher Moore

The three jewels of Tao: compassion, moderation, and humility. Balthasar said compassion leads to courage, moderation leads to generosity, and humility leads to leadership.

~ Christopher Moore

So I'm all, Owned! Bee-yatch! Dog fucking owned you! Doing a minor booty dance of ownage, perhaps, in retrospect, a bit prematurely. (I believe hip-hop to be the apprpriate language for taunting, at least until I learn French.)

~ Christopher Moore

What are you working on? Elizabeth asked. Nate could hear her tapping a pencil on her desk. She took notes during their conversations. He didn't know what she did with the notes, but it bothered him.I have a lecture at the sanctuary in four days. Why, why had he told her? Why? Now she'd rattle down the mountain in her ancient Mercedes that looked like a Nazi staff car, sit in the audience, and ask all the questions that she knew in advance he couldn't answer.

~ Christopher Moore

And I'll have you know that if you hurt my son again, if he so much as sighs sadly over his coffee, I will hire a man, a Russian, probably, to hunt you down and rip all that shiny black hair from your head, then break your skinny arms and legs, and set you on fire, and then put you out with a hammer. And should there be children from your beastly rutting, I shall have the Russian man cut them to tiny pieces and feed them to Madame Jacob's dog. because, although he may be only a worthless, simpleminded, libertine artist, Lucien is my favorite, and I will not have him hurt. Do you understand?

~ Christopher Moore

Pondering is a little like considering and a little like thinking, but looser. To ponder, one must let the facts roll around the rim of the mind's roulette wheel, coming to settle in whichever slot they feed pulled to.

~ Christopher Moore

Apologies, one loses perspective after spending a week in a brothel.

~ Christopher Moore

The medium obscured the message.

~ Christopher Moore

She doesn't understand that a writer is a special creature--that I'm different from everyone else. I'm not saying I'm superior to other people, just more sensitive, I guess.

~ Christopher Moore

You sure about this writer thing son?

~ Christopher Moore

She can be a whirlwind of tits and terror when she puts her mind to a purpose, can't she, sir?

~ Christopher Moore

Scratch a cynic and you will find a disappointed romantic.

~ Christopher Moore

It's kinda hard to get yourself into a good three-toweler when you got the dick of death.

~ Christopher Moore

…turning your ankle hurts like hell, even if you're a superhero.

~ Christopher Moore

One day I was telling him that I thought that cars had replaced guns as phallic symbols for American men, and I thought it was interesting that he had one that was so small and fast. The next day he gave me the Datsun and went out and bought a Lincoln.

~ Christopher Moore

A question asked in earnest, deserves an earnest answer.

~ Christopher Moore

Only cops and vampires have to have an invitation to enter.

~ Christopher Moore

If there was anything I learned from John the Baptist, it was that the sooner you confess a mistake, the quicker you can get on to making new and better mistakes.

~ Christopher Moore

It was the sound of a thousand hungry children crying, ten thousand widows tearing their hair over their husband's graves, a chorus of angels singing the last dirge on the day of God's death.

~ Christopher Moore

My children are monsters, Kiro thought. And I am responsible. Perhaps if I had read them the haikus of Basho when they were little instead of that American manifesto of high-pressure sales, Green Eggs and Ham...

~ Christopher Moore

You're trying to be tricky. What's morality?It's the difference between what's right and what you can rationalize.Must be a human thing.Exactly.

~ Christopher Moore