Christopher Moore Quotes

But she's a redhead, so she's probably evil, even at her tender age.I thought you liked redheads.I do. What's your point?

~ Christopher Moore

Author's WarningIf you're buying this book as a gift for your grandma or a kid, you should be aware that it contains cusswords as well as tasteful depictions of cannibalism and people in their forties having sex. Don't blame me. I told you.

~ Christopher Moore

In another Christmas story, Dale Pearson, evil developer, self-absorbed woman hater, and seemingly unredeemable curmudgeon, might be visited in the night by a series of ghosts who, by showing him bleak visions of Christmas future, past, and present, would bring about in him a change to generosity, kindness, and a general warmth toward his fellow man. But this is not that kind of Christmas story, so here, in not too many pages, someone is going to dispatch the miserable son of a bitch with a shovel. That's the spirit of Christmas yet to come in these parts. Ho, ho, ho.

~ Christopher Moore

It's wildly irritating to have invented something as revolutionary as sarcasm, only to have it abused by amateurs.

~ Christopher Moore

That's the difference between irony and sarcasm. Irony can be spontaneous, while sarcasm requires volition. You have to create sarcasm.

~ Christopher Moore

Sarcasm will make your tits fall off.

~ Christopher Moore

Don't be ridiculous, Charlie, people love the parents who beat their kids in department stores. It's the ones who just let their kids wreak havoc that everybody hates.

~ Christopher Moore

The Angel Gabriel disappeared once for sixty years and they found him on earth hiding in the body of a man named Miles Davis.

~ Christopher Moore

I'm poor and my cat is huge.

~ Christopher Moore

Rivera rubbed his temples. Satan told you to do it? he said wearily.No.Elvis?I told you, it's supernatural.

~ Christopher Moore

An original thought would crack your feeble skull like a thunderbolt, you craven vulture.

~ Christopher Moore

She hugged me and I could feel the heat rise in my face, either from shame or love, like there was a difference.

~ Christopher Moore

That was supposed to be the whole purpose of the Internet, you know. To share scientific information.Not a Viagra- and porn-delivery system?

~ Christopher Moore

Lucien, women are wondrous, mysterious, and magical creatures, who should be treated not only with respect but with reverence, perhaps even awe. Now go sweep the steps.

~ Christopher Moore

She was an alien, really - a sort of eating, pooping, tantrum machine - and he didn't understand anything about her species.

~ Christopher Moore

Nothing evokes the prurient like puritanism.

~ Christopher Moore

On the radio, turned low, Reba sang of hard times with the full authority of a cross-eyed redheaded millionaire.

~ Christopher Moore

You know what? You know what? You know what?' I was waving my finger under her nose. 'You scratched the Son of God. That's your ass, that's what.

~ Christopher Moore

My fans have great senses of humor and eat too much chocolate.

~ Christopher Moore

As much as I encourage communication with my readers, I don't want reviews from them, simply because I don't need to be hamstrung in the middle of working on something.

~ Christopher Moore

When I teach seminars, I tell people, 'Your stuff has to look like something that's out there, because otherwise nobody will take a chance on you.'

~ Christopher Moore

For me, 'Lamb' started out as a further exploration of the phenomenon of faith and the responsibility of a messiah that I touched on in 'Coyote Blue' and 'Island of the Sequined Love Nun,' but it ended up being an exploration of the true meaning of sacrifice, loyalty, and friendship.

~ Christopher Moore