Janet Evanovich Quotes

Besides, there's nobody who is going to watch your back better than me. You know that. And that's why I'm going to be there with you, whenever there is, whenever you ask, and as long as I'm able, he said. It's what fathers do.Most father's don't show up with hand grenades and bowie knives.They should be ashamed of themselves, Jake said.

~ Janet Evanovich

Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.

~ Janet Evanovich

I failed math twice, never fully grasping probability theory. I mean, first off, who cares if you pick a black ball or a white ball out of the bag? And second, if you’re bent over about the color, don’t leave it to chance. Look in the damn bag and pick the color you want.

~ Janet Evanovich

Almost everybody I know has died,” Grandma said. “Bunch of wimps.

~ Janet Evanovich

I wasn’t a fabulous cook. I didn’t have a boyfriend, much less a husband. And I wasn’t a big financial success. I could live with all those failings as long as I knew that once in a while I looked really hot.

~ Janet Evanovich

I got out of the elevator and confronted Mr. Wexler. “Killing is wrong.” “We kill chickens,” Mr. Wexler said. “We kill cows. We kill trees. So big deal, we kill some drug dealers.”It was hard to argue with that kind of logic because I like cows and chickens and trees much better than drug dealers.

~ Janet Evanovich

That’s how you tell what a man’s really made of. It’s one thing for a man to be big and brave and kill a spider. Any man could do that. Trailin’ after a woman when she’s shopping for thongs and push-up bras is a whole other category of man. And then if you want to see how far you can go with it, you ask him to carry one of those little pink bags they give you.

~ Janet Evanovich

I wasn’t sure anymore what made a good marriage. There had to be love, of course, but there were so many different kinds of love. And clearly, some love was more enduring than others.

~ Janet Evanovich

When something needs to be ironed I put it in the ironing basket. If a year goes by and the item is still in the basket I throw the item away. This is a good system since eventually I end up only with clothes that don’t need ironing.

~ Janet Evanovich

My Spanish is limited to burrito and taco

~ Janet Evanovich

Cripes, I can’t keep up on this political correct shit. I don’t even know what to call myself. One minute I’m black. Then I’m African American. Then I’m a person of color. Who the hell makes these rules up, anyhow?

~ Janet Evanovich

Cooking wasn’t so bad, I thought. In fact, it was a lot like sex. Sometimes it didn’t seem like such a good idea in the beginning, but then after you got into it …

~ Janet Evanovich

Tastykakes are just another of the many advantages of living in Jersey. They’re made in Philly and shipped to Trenton in all their fresh squishiness. I read once that 439,000 Butterscotch Krimpets are baked every day. And not a heck of a lot of them find their way to New Hampshire. All that snow and scenery and what good does it do you without Tastykakes?

~ Janet Evanovich

In my father’s scheme of things, there were Italians and then there was the rest of the world.

~ Janet Evanovich

Everyone wants a Christmas tree. If you had a Christmas tree Santa would bring you stuff! Like hair curlers and slut shoes.

~ Janet Evanovich

On the bright side, I'm sure this isn't the last time you'll ever get firebombed, so maybe you'll have better luck next time.

~ Janet Evanovich

He blew himself up.”“Get out! You mean like guts all over the place?”“Not all over the place,” I said. “He was pretty well contained, all things considered.

~ Janet Evanovich

I could help you,” I said. “Counseling, drugs, a religious advisor, a girlfriend.

~ Janet Evanovich

I don’t get writer's block because I don’t believe in it. I believe you sit in front of the computer and force your fingers to get something on the screen.

~ Janet Evanovich

Lots of times I’m not crazy about the writing, but I keep moving ahead and somehow it gets better. The important thing is to move forward.

~ Janet Evanovich

Respect and love your readers. Write for the reader.

~ Janet Evanovich

He wears jeans, untucked shirts, and a Glock 19, and he has a big shaggy dog named Bob.

~ Janet Evanovich

I attributed the incidence to temporary insanity, and in my own defense, I'd like to say I haven't run over anyone since.

~ Janet Evanovich

Then I had to decide if I needed to wear shoes that kicked ass or were good for ass kicking, on account of there's a difference you know. ~ Finger Lickin' Fifteen

~ Janet Evanovich

That's why I'm not on social media. People are way too open about their private lives. I don't need to see pictures of what somebody had for lunch or hear about how difficult their last bowel movement was or see on a map where they were when either one happened.

~ Janet Evanovich

If I could just get Broom to cooperate, we could fly, Glo said. Then we wouldn't have to worry about traffic. Harry Potter didn't have to worry about traffic.You relize Harry Potter isn't real, right? Of course, but he could be. I mean, maybe not Harry Potter, but someone like him. Who's to say?

~ Janet Evanovich

Sure, he was attracted to her, but women always had to go beyond that.Women [had] nesting fantasies. It wasn't long before they wereredecorating your apartment and criticizing your choice of mustard.

~ Janet Evanovich

...I blink back the threat of tears, swiped at my nose and narrowed my eyes. Listen to me, you two bags of monkey shit, I yelled. I am not in a good mood. My car keeps stalling. The day before yesterday I threw up on Joe Morelli. I was called a fat cow by my ex-husband. And if that isn't enough...my hair is ORANGE! ORANGE, FOR CHRISSAKE! And now you have the gall to force yourself into my home and threaten my hamster. Well, you have gone too far. You have crossed the line!

~ Janet Evanovich

So you need an alarm system because you gonna be in bad neighborhoods?Actually, I sort of stole a car, and I'm afraid the owner will try to get it back.

~ Janet Evanovich