Janet Evanovich Quotes

Romance novels are birthday cake and life is often peanut butter and jelly. I think everyone should have lots of delicious romance novels lying around for those times when the peanut butter of life gets stuck to the roof of your mouth.

~ Janet Evanovich

Is that a bulletproof vest? See, now that's so insulting. That's like saying I'm not smart enough to shoot you in the head. Eddie DeChooch

~ Janet Evanovich

Nice dress. Take it off.

~ Janet Evanovich

I need to look like an idiot at least twice a day to keep myself humble.

~ Janet Evanovich

I ran three miles, staggered into the lobby, and took the elevator back to my apartment. No point to overdoing this exercise junk. --Stephanie Plum

~ Janet Evanovich

Men drive off bridges and drink too much because of women like you.

~ Janet Evanovich

I don't need handcuffs to enslave a woman. -Ranger to Stephanie

~ Janet Evanovich

If I gave you a pity position it wouldn't be in my office.

~ Janet Evanovich

He [Ranger] peeled my [Stephanie] clothes off and wrangled me into bed. And then suddenly he was inside me. He once told me that time spent with him would ruin me for all other men. When he said it, I thought it was an outrageous threat. I no longer though it outrageous.

~ Janet Evanovich

I'd spent a night with Ranger a while ago, and I knew what happened when he was encouraged. Ranger knew how to make a woman want him. Ranger was magic.

~ Janet Evanovich

Excuse me? I said, palms down on the Formica tabletop. Coffee? I thought we came here for pie. I don't eat the kind of pie they serve here. I felt a flash of heat go through my stomach. I knew firsthand the kind of pie Ranger liked.

~ Janet Evanovich

My grandmother is a little Cuban woman who cooks all day and speaks Spanish. Your grandmother watches pay-per-view porn.She used to watch the Weather Channel, but she said there wasn't enough action.-Ranger and Stephanie

~ Janet Evanovich

Your on your on with this one babe.Coward.Calling me names isn't going to get me in there.-Ranger and Stephanie

~ Janet Evanovich

Wondering where Ranger was now, when I needed him. Why wasn’t he here, insisting on locking me up in a safe house? Now that my hamster’s cage was clean, I’d be happy to oblige.

~ Janet Evanovich

In spite of all the sparring that went on between us, I sort of liked Morelli. Good judgment told me to stand clear of him, but then I've never been a slave to good judgment.

~ Janet Evanovich

...Don't you just hate a phony-looking stiff? - Aunt Edna

~ Janet Evanovich

I don't need shoes. I need a night scope. You think they sell night scopes someplace here?

~ Janet Evanovich

Here's a basic difference between Morelli and me. My first thought was always of cake. His first thought was always of sex. Don't get me wrong. I like sex . . . a lot. But it's never going to replace cake.

~ Janet Evanovich

Jesus, Morelli, you sound like you have PMS. You have to learn to lighten up a little. It's just a car alarm. You should be thanking me. I had it installed with my own money.

~ Janet Evanovich

Okay, take a deep breath, I told myself. Don't go all hormonal. Get the facts straight. Have a mental doughnut.

~ Janet Evanovich

Money isn’t everything.’‘The only people who say that are people who have enough money to pay the rent.

~ Janet Evanovich

If she wasn't your grandmother I'd shoot her.Ranger

~ Janet Evanovich

Maybe it's just not the right time for us to be married. I don't want to be a bounty hunter for the rest of my life, but I certainly don't want to be a housewife right now. And I really don't want to be married to someone who gives me ultimatums.And maybe Joe needs to examine what he wants from a wife. He was raised in a traditional Italian household with a stay-at-home mother and domineering father. If he wants a wife who will fit into that mold, I'm not for him. I might be a stay-at-home mother someday, but I'll always be trying to fly off the garage roof. That's just who I am.

~ Janet Evanovich

He's going to jail. He can't see. He can't hear. He can't take a leak that lasts under fifteen minutes. But he has an erection and all the other problems are small change. Next time around I'm coming back as a man. Priorities are clearly defined. Life is simple.

~ Janet Evanovich

They were actually sitting at a table, like two old friends, not like the hunterand the hunted. And it wasn't especially awkward. They were comfortable together,despite the fact that she'd hit him with a bus. Maybe his scheme would work.

~ Janet Evanovich

Personally, I'm a lazy kind of guy, and leaving the door open on the mystical saves me work. I don't have to stress my brain trying to explain the unexplainable. It's magic. End of discussion.

~ Janet Evanovich

I always wanted to eat with a Negro,” Grandma said.Yeah, well I always wanted to eat with a boney-assed old white woman,” Lula said. “So I guess this works out good.

~ Janet Evanovich

When Grandma Mazur is talking about the reason for the improved play of her 91-year-old bowling teammate, she said: She's doing better now that we got her the longer tubing to her oxygen tank.

~ Janet Evanovich

Connie, giving her thoughts on why Vinnie's hot temper is less than normal, says: Lucille must have fed him a Vallium smoothie this morning.

~ Janet Evanovich

Lucille must have fed him a Vallium smoothie this morning.

~ Janet Evanovich

Diesel sucked air. You keep fondling me like that, and I might have to marry you.I'm not fondling you. I'm looking for the keys!Could you look a little more gently? You're scaring my boys.

~ Janet Evanovich

That's how hospitals get you. You go in to visit and before you know it they got a camera stuck up your butt and they're looking' to find poloponies.

~ Janet Evanovich

He’s sort of a homeless horse,” I said.“I’m leaving for the airport in two seconds, and I won’t be back for a couple days. You can put the horse in the garage, but I don’t want that horse in my apartment.”“Who would put a horse in an apartment? That’s dumb.”“Where’s the horse staying now?”“My apartment.”“I can always count on you to brighten my day,” Ranger said. And he disconnected.

~ Janet Evanovich

Thinking very often resembles napping, but the intent is different. --Stephanie Plum

~ Janet Evanovich

Stephanie, I'm begging you. Eat some doughnuts. I can't keep going like this. - Morelli

~ Janet Evanovich

It's not a nice thing to send a penis to a woman. It's disrespectful.

~ Janet Evanovich

You're a marshmallow. Soft and sweet and when you get heated up you go all gooey and delicious.-

~ Janet Evanovich

There is no such thing as a good call at 7 AM. It's been my experience that all calls between the hours of 11 PM and 9 AM are disaster calls.

~ Janet Evanovich

He squinted at me. What are you wearing? Is that some new form of birth control?

~ Janet Evanovich

If I let her in I'm doomed. It's like inviting a vampire into your house. Once you've invite them in, that's it, you're good as dead!

~ Janet Evanovich