Woody Allen Quotes

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better, [Cloquet thought,] while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

~ Woody Allen

David: And you think it can just evaporate? Even if at one time they loved one another?Marx: That's one of the sad truths of existence. Nothing in this world is permanent. Even the characters created by the great Shakespeare will, in millions of years, cease to exist—when the universe runs its course and the lights go out.

~ Woody Allen

I like the rain. It washes memories off the sidewalk of life.

~ Woody Allen

Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.

~ Woody Allen

Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college

~ Woody Allen

We Are The Sum Total Of Our Choices...

~ Woody Allen

Maugham then offers the greatest advice anyone could give to a young author: At the end of an interrogation sentence, place a question mark. You'd be surprised how effective it can be.

~ Woody Allen

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

~ Woody Allen

All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates.

~ Woody Allen

The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily laying down.

~ Woody Allen

Some guy hit my fender the other day and I said unto him Be fruitful and multiply. But not in those words.

~ Woody Allen

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to a hundred.

~ Woody Allen

I'm at the stage of life when if a girl says no to me I'm profoundly grateful to her.

~ Woody Allen

I feel about New York as a child whose father is a bank robber. Not perfect but I still love him.

~ Woody Allen

Showing up is eighty percent of life.

~ Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

~ Woody Allen

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

~ Woody Allen

If you're not failing you're not trying anything.

~ Woody Allen

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

~ Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work I want to achieve it through not dying.

~ Woody Allen

Ninety percent of living is just showing up.

~ Woody Allen

Life doesn't imitate art it imitates bad television.

~ Woody Allen

I do not believe in an afterlife although I am bringing a change of underwear.

~ Woody Allen

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

~ Woody Allen

Showing up is 80 percent of life.

~ Woody Allen

Marriage is the death of hope.

~ Woody Allen

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

~ Woody Allen

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

~ Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

~ Woody Allen

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

~ Woody Allen

I am two with nature.

~ Woody Allen

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

~ Woody Allen

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

~ Woody Allen

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

~ Woody Allen

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .

~ Woody Allen

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

~ Woody Allen

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

~ Woody Allen

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

~ Woody Allen

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

~ Woody Allen

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

~ Woody Allen