Humor Quotes

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

~ Phyllis Diller

And have your mother put my head on a stake? Do you have any notion what that would do to my handsome good looks?

~ Catherine Gilbert Murdock

This is why we can't have nice things...

~ Madge Madigan

Fifteen minutes later, Betsy came thundering down the stairs. I'm going to the mall with Sierra to see a movie.Michael leaned forward, switched off the television. Can you please rephrase that in the form of a question?Sure. Can I have some money?

~ Kristin Hannah

I'm also discovering that while they seem to believe that I do not require sleep, my husband (who also doubles as their father) has the ability to morph into an invisible and supremely evasive nocturnal being, with powers so stealthy as to evade capture by the aliens [children] that had invaded our once peaceful and quiet habitat [bedroom at night].

~ Dallas Louis

*marissa tries to get her single, working mother's attention by suggesting something outrageous, to which mom replies:*'You're a smart girl. Use your head and avoid any guy who reminds you of your father.

~ Camille Pagán

Don't even think abou

~ Jennifer Crusie

Jumping, waving arms, cheering, laughing, head-butting him in the groin, an unfortunate ritual in the Tanner home, very much unappreciated by Jim, but tolerated for the sake of the children, Grace, Bobby and Steven joined Jason next to their father.

~ Mike Jackson

Emma, okay, enough with the singing. Mommy's getting a three-pill headache.

~ Jeff Abbott

Mothering Oxymoron: Reminding the kids to not talk with food in their mouths, yet I have food in my mouth while trying to correct them in the moment.

~ Mommy Moo Moo

Why did you throw sand when I just told you not to?What child says, Hmm, why did I? I guess there's no good reason. Thanks for pointing that out. It won't happen again.

~ Joanna Faber

Looking with his eyes? Seriously? What else would he look around with?”Trish nonchalantly uses her middle finger to scratch her temple. “Toddlers learn by making connections between the body part and the action.”Vince blinks. “Oh, so talking to a kid like that’s normal?” “Someday I hope to have a conversation where I don’t sound like a character from Star Wars.”“I can see how you’d look forward to that.

~ Jess Molly Brown

My rugrats give me gifts that say #1 Mom on them and I'm like, bwhahahahaha, joke's on you, I'm more like the #1,297,279 Mom. But they truly think I'm the best mom on earth. And that's all that matters.

~ Karen Alpert

I know my kids will be incredible, just not as great as me.

~ A.d. Aliwat

I need to work on developing a new, less irritable personality. though I suspect that an empty nest would be at least a partial cure, today I resorted to substance abuse.

~ Eloisa James

You and Dad are really the wrecking ball of all of our teenage runaway fantasies. Why couldn't you jerks go and be crack addicts or religious fanatics so we could have excuses to live on the wide open road? - email from Lily

~ Candace Allan

Like I tell our kids, 'Your Mom isn't always right and I'm not always right. But together, WE'RE ALWAYS right!

~ J. Thomas Steele

But my personal favorite words of wisdom came from Gulley during the last thirty minutes of the trip, when she broke up a backseat scuffle by declaring, 'When you lick the person sitting next to you, there's a good chance you're going to get punched.'I believe the only reason that gem is missing from the book of Proverbs is because Solomon must never have traveled with three kids in the back of his chariot.

~ Melanie Shankle

Over time, parents have barnacled the most routine activities in infancy with their own preoccupations. It's sometimes hard to see the baby for all the barnacles.

~ Nicholas Day

Maggie had learned a long time ago that each day with a child was filled with two kinds of battles: those that won the war, and those that did not.

~ Sydney Strand

If you raise a daughter to be both independent and an excellent marksman, you have to accept the fact that your control over her actions is at an end.

~ Martha Wells

too much alcohol hampers people's ability to parent. That's why I've chosen to remain childless.

~ Kyra Davis

He was afraid to pick up the baby. If he touched it, it might bond with him or something. Or he might leave fingerprints all over it.

~ Judith Arnold

When a child reaches puberty, parents become so curious about their sex lives and whereabouts, put them behind bars to their own detriment. When such a child breaks free, don't be surprised to see him/her in porn movies.

~ Michael Bassey Johnson

When your mom was not in labor yelling at me, she made me laugh so hard.

~ Jim Gaffigan

I feel guilty when I feed them unhealthy food they like. I feel guilty when I feed them healthy food they don’t like. I feel guilty when I drop them off at school. I feel guilty when I pick them up at school. I feel guilty mostly for writing this book instead of spending time with them.

~ Jim Gaffigan

We’re gonna do like Posh and Becks and call it after the place it was conceived.”“Where’s that?” I asked.“King of Prussia.

~ Henry G. Radcliff

Jokes about butts WORKED.

~ Drew Magary

It's a fact that every minute you hold a child, it triples in mass.

~ Drew Magary

Take any two-year-old through a car wash and their skulls are blown. FLAPS! FOAM! ROLLING THINGS! It's the closest they'll ever get to being inside a working spaceship.

~ Drew Magary

For every hour a mother gets to herself, a father will demand five times that amount for drinking with friends and acting like an immature dipshit.

~ Drew Magary

When a teacher is paying extra attention to your child, you believe that it's because you raised such an exceptional kid, one that stands out head and shoulders above the rest of her booger-eating friends.

~ Drew Magary

People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. Being happy is really the definition of success, isn’t it?

~ Jim Gaffigan

To begin perfect happiness at the respective ages of twenty-six and eighteen, is to do pretty well; and professing myself moreover convinced, that the General's unjust interference, so far from being really injurious to their felicity, was perhaps rather conducive to it, by improving their knowledge of each other, and adding strength to their attachment, I leave it to be settled by whomsoever it may concern, whether the tendency of this work be altogether to recommend parental tyranny, or reward filial disobedience.

~ Jane Austen

My mother is European and expresses her love through food and cuddling. She wasn't the type of mother who would make it to school plays or soccer games, but if you wanted to stay at home sick, she was your girl. Whenever you'd go up to her room to cuddle with her, she'd pull out a Kit Kat or Snickers bar from her night table and look at you with dancing eyes.

~ Chelsea Handler

All those adorable towheaded kids in the promotional film are going to turn thirteen. Once a family member hits puberty, odds are that everybody is not going to have the same ideals. Unless everybody gets together and agrees that the new ideals involve turning the front yard into a skate ramp and officially changing Dad's name to Fuckhead.

~ Sarah Vowell

If I hear any more loud voices, you will both be auctioned off on eBay. I could use the extra money.

~ J.r. Rain

In that day, we didn't have no remote controls and vacuum cleaners. If you wanted all that stuff you had children!

~ Tyler Perry

Interesting how fashion is cyclical,” Jaccob said when she came out of the store with two black plastic bags. “Goth was the look when I was young, too.” “It’s not a look,” Chuck said. “I’m just wearing my feelings on the outside.” “Uh huh.” His phone buzzed. “Hang on a second. He rolled up his sleeve to check his HUD, but the call hadn’t come through there. Huh. He had to pick up his phone and check the read-out, which listed a phone number: an old school page. “That’s funny…” “Dad, you’re doing that thing again,” Chuck said. “What thing?” Jaccob asked. “That thing where you have to check every single doohickey you carry around.” “I am not.” Jaccob took his hand out of his coat pocket, where he’d been reaching to check his police scanner or music player (he hadn’t decided which to use first).

~ Erik Scott De Bie

A dam doesn't try to reason with the water. Its main purpose is to hold it still for a while. When I lecture my kids I'm doing much the same thing. I'm not trying to necessarily reason with them, just hold them still for a short while.

~ Spuds Crawford