Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?
~ Phyllis Diller
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
I'm at an age where my back goes out more than I do.
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
