Humor Quotes

As a young father it's important to remember that, when you're at the beach, there's a BIG difference between telling your five year old son to just go pee in the ocean and telling him to get in the water at least waist deep and then pee in the ocean.

~ Spuds Crawford

His mother? Gracie couldn't believe it. Suzy Denton looked much too young to be his mother. And much too respectable. But you're not a- She cut herself off in mid-sentence as she realized what she'd almost let slip.Suzy's wedding ring clicked against the steering wheel as she gave it a hard smack. I'm going to kill him! He's been telling that hooker story again, hasn't he?

~ Susan Elizabeth Phillips

I prefer to make up my own quotes and attribute them to very smart people, so that I can use them to win arguments

~ Albert Einstein

Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself.

~ Jane Wagner

You're the one saying how vital offing these kids and grabbing their brat is to the war effort, right? Well, I'm telling you I need way more cash to do it right, so--Lying.How have you not murdered that creature by now?Oh, I've tried.

~ Brian K. Vaughan

You lied to me,” she said. “I omitted information.” He paused. “Which may be just as deplorable.

~ Hayden Wand

Mr. Parker’s mouth dropped open like a toddler had crawled under his desk and whacked him in the giblets. I tried not to giggle as he slowly closed his mouth and stood up from behind his desk. I expected him to start shouting obscenities about the stupidity of pre-marital sex, but he walked around and closed the door behind me. I could practically hear the phone call he would make to my mother in my head. “Connor, I hope I don’t need to give you a lecture about how dangerous it is for someone of your age to engage in such activities?” “No, sir. Trust me when I say, it was an accident and won’t be happening again for as long as I live my life as a single person. Such activities are best left to those with more experience and have joined their lives in holy matrimony.” I fought hard to keep my face sincere and deadpan. I didn’t know what the hell was going on with me, but I liked it. Not only had I come up with the most unbelievable lie in the universe, I sounded heartily sorry for it too.

~ Sean Hayden

It was hard to tell if he was lying, or really believed his own bullshit. “We’re good for each other. You give me what I need. I give you what you need. No one needs to know what that is because it’s a secret between us. So we put on our suit. That’s the investment: us.

~ Dan Skinner

All political parties die at last of swallowing their own lies.

~ John Arbuthnot

I know. That sounds like a lie. But Presbyterians know that every so often a lie isn't all that bad, and I figured that this was about the best place it could happen.

~ Gary D. Schmidt

If I had seen pictures of people eating each other on the wall, I would've told him I was into cannibalism.

~ Chelsea Handler

...but I’d learned a long time ago that the worse things are, the more people lie about them.

~ Ripley Patton

Sarcasm is when you tell someone the truth by lying on purpose.

~ Chuck Klosterman

He said that he was sure you would be amendable to this course of action. April paused, eyes widening, before she said indignantly, I believe he may have lied to me!

~ Seanan Mcguire

But it is best to let sleeping facts lie.

~ Hope Mirrlees

As I got closer to the fence, I held my shirt over my nose to block the smell. One stallion waded through the muck and whinnied angrily at me. He bared his teeth, which were pointed like a bear's.I tried to talk to him in my mind. I can do that with most h

~ Rick Riordan

The cucumber and the tomato are both fruit; the avocado is a nut. To assist with the dietary requirements of vegetarians, on the first Tuesday of the month a chicken is officially a vegetable.

~ Jasper Fforde

Simple,' Tummeler replied.' Blueberries is one of the great forces o'good in the world.' How do you figure that?' said Charles. Well,' said Tummeler, 'have you ever seen a troll, or a Wendigo, or,' he shuddered, 'a Shadow-Born ever eating a blueberry pie?' No,' Charles admitted. There y'go,' said Tummeler. It's cause they can't stand the goodness in it.' Can't argue with you there,' said Charles. Foods is good and evil, just like people, or badgers, or even scowlers.' Evil food?' said Charles. Parsnips,' said Tummeler, 'Them's as evil as they come.

~ James A. Owen

He was chugging brown pop from a can Jack had handed him while he stuffed nacho cheese Doritos in his face. I was glad to see he looked lots better, almost completely like himself, which proves Doritos and brown pop really are health foods.

~ P.c. Cast

There was something sort of bleak about her tone, rather as if she had swallowed an east wind. This I took to be due to the fact that she probably hadn't breakfasted. It's only after a bit of breakfast that I'm able to regard the world with that sunny cheeriness which makes a fellow the universal favourite. I'm never much of a lad till I've engulfed an egg or two and a beaker of coffee.I suppose you haven't breakfasted?I have not yet breakfasted.Won't you have an egg or something? Or a sausage or something? Or something?No, thank you.She spoke as if she belonged to an anti-sausage league or a league for the suppression of eggs. There was a bit of silence.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

Anyone who thinks they're too grown up or too sophisticated to eat caramel corn, is not invited to my house for dinner

~ Ruth Reichl

Please go to this pizzeria. Order the margherita pizza with double mozzarella. If you do not eat this pizza when you are in Naples, please lie to me and tell me that you did.

~ Elizabeth Gilbert

Bouillabaisse is only good because cooked by the French, who, if they cared to try, could produce an excellent and nutritious substitute out of cigar stumps and empty matchboxes.

~ Norman Douglas

To me, life without veal stock, pork fat, sausage, organ meat, demi-glace, or even stinky cheese is a life not worth living.

~ Anthony Bourdain

Ordinary folk prefer familiar tastes - they'd sooner eat the same things all the time - but a gourmet would sample a fried park bench just to know how it tastes.

~ Walter Moers

Goose neck is a delicacy. You have to at least try it. In fancy restaurants people pay up to fifty dollars a plate for this stuff.' And at our house we were force-fed it for free. Just another irony of life.

~ Janette Rallison

I'd rather eat nothing than eat a carrot.

~ Marian Keyes

Parsley is gharsley.

~ Ogden Nash

Amen,' I exclaim, accidentally spitting out a Raisinet. I pick up the chocolate with a Kleenex and stuff it in my purse. Ten bucks says a month from now I'll have forgotten about it and will finally have said heart attack when I assume a rat shat in there.

~ Jen Lancaster

The F word turns me on, she whispered. The F word?FoodHe threw back his head and laughed. It rumbled up out of his chest and felt so good it startled him. For the first time in years,his laughter was spontaneous. It wasn`t tinged with bitterness and cynicism.

~ Sandra Brown

Success. I turned back to my sandwich, only to find that it wasn’t there anymore. Maybe because it had been hijacked. “Give me that!” I told the vamp, who was holding it firmly against his chest, a determined look on his face. “What ees zat?” he demanded, eyeing my prize. “Cheese.” I held it up. “Zat ees not cheese.” “How do you know?” “Eet is orange.” “A lot of cheese is orange.” “Non! No cheese ees that color. Cheese comes from zee milk. Zee milk, eet ees white. When ’ave you seen milk that looks like zat?” I held up the square of little slices and pointed at the bold-faced label. “Processed American Cheese.” He snatched the package, without letting go of his hostage. And eyed it warily. “Eet says ‘cheese food.’” He looked up, obviously perplexed. “What ees thees? Zee cheese, it does not eat.

~ Karen Chance

Pecans are not cheap, my hons. In fact, in the South, the street value of shelled pecans just before holiday baking season is roughly that of crack cocaine. Do not confuse the two. It is almost impossible to make a decent crack cocaine tassie, I am told.

~ Celia Rivenbark

All men are hungry. They always have been. They must eat, and when they deny themselves the pleasures of carrying out that need, they are cutting off part of their possible fullness, their natural realization of life, whether they are poor or rich.

~ M.f.k. Fisher

Some breakfast food manufacturer hit upon the simple notion of emptying out the leavings of carthorse nose bags, adding a few other things like unconsumed portions of chicken layer's mash, and the sweepings of racing stables, packing the mixture in little bags and selling them in health food shops.

~ Frank Muir

Like most humans, I am hungry...our three basic needs, for food and security and love, are so mixed and mingled and entwined that we cannot straightly think of one without the others. So it happens that when I write of hunger, I am really writing about love and the hunger for it...

~ M.f.k. Fisher

For desert, maybe we can split a couple of crumbs.

~ Nicholas Sparks

Is food a substitute for love? No, love is a substitute for food. And a pretty poor substitute at that.

~ Rohan Candappa

I finally figured out the big, elusive secret to weight loss. Don't eat! Who knew?

~ Richelle E. Goodrich

I hate the notion of a secret recipe. Recipes are by nature derivative and meant to be shared - that is how they improve, are changed, how new ideas are formed. To stop a recipe in it's tracks, to label it secret just seems mean.

~ Molly Wizenberg

If you are able to introduce a white person to a new cheese, it's like introducing them to a future spouse.

~ Christian Lander