Humor Quotes

I can't be a cream puff.

~ Buddy Valastro

In another telling anomaly of the meat-grinding business, many of the larger slaughterhouses will sell their product only to grinders who agree to not test their product for E. coli contamination--until after it's run through a grinder with a whole bunch of other meat from other sources...It's like demanding of a date that she have unprotected sex with four or five other guys immediately before sleeping with you--just so she can't point the finger directly at you should she later test positive for clap.

~ Anthony Bourdain

White people are drawn to farmer’s markets like moths to a flame. In fact, white people have such strong instincts that ifyou release a white person into a random Saturday morning they will return to you with a reusable bag full of fruits and vegetables.

~ Christian Lander

I just inhaled kimchi ramen. Nose on fire. Next chapter may be obscured by tears.

~ Mcm

I act delighted, but I have zero interest in these Capitol people. They are only distractions from the food.

~ Suzanne Collins

I don't care what you Yanks say, cheese should not whiz.

~ Janette Rallison

Don't eat 'til you're full, eat 'til you're tired.

~ Andrew Zimmern

I would advocate that chocolate be covered by health insurance, but that is admittedly a very French public policy perspective.

~ Mireille Guiliano

Stephanie, I'm begging you. Eat some doughnuts. I can't keep going like this. - Morelli

~ Janet Evanovich

It appears your son was 85 percent curry!

~ Danny Wallace

Don't eat till you're full, eat till you're tired.

~ Andrew Zimmern

I've never seen Salisbury steak on a restaurant menu. It's only in frozen dinners. Is there something we should know about that? What IS Salisbury steak anyway? And where do they hunt or harvest the salisburies?

~ Kelli Jae Baeli

Don't do it. Please. I know this book looks delicious with its light-weight pages sliced thin a prosciutto and swiss stacked in a way that would make Dagwood salivate. The scent of freshly baked words wafting up with every turn of the page. Mmmm page. But don't do it. Not yet. Don't eat this book.

~ Morgan Spurlock

If we are going to start calling industrial corn sustainable, then we might as well say that petroleum is a renewable resource if you're willing to wait long enough.

~ Catherine Friend

It has long been my motto that if you cannot get your act together... then the very least you can do is try to make your act entertaining.

~ Becky Johnson

Daddy, how come in Kansas City the bagels taste like just round bread?

~ Calvin Trillin

For a moment, or a second, the pinched expressions of the cynical, world-weary, throat-cutting, miserable bastards we've all had to become disappears, when we're confronted with something as simple as a plate of food.

~ Anthony Bourdain

Pride is all very well, but a sausage is a sausage.

~ Terry Pratchett

always serve too much hot fudge sause on the hot fudge sundaes.It makes people overjoyed,and puts them in your debt

~ Judith Olney

Chocolate cured just about everything, but being a crocodile's chew-toy was on a whole other level.

~ Desiree Williams

I went to the kitchen and felt-up the turkey.

~ Charles Bukowski

I prefer noodles when they're raw, they taste just as good, but reward you with a satisfying crunch...

~ Callum Horncastle

He got a tan over break. I used to tell him he was so pale he looked like a marshmallow. He hated that I compared him to food. I told him that's what he got for calling me caramel. It shut him up.

~ Angie Thomas

I really like to cook. I used to do it lots for Mom, who's almost as useless as you, and it means I can practice describing all the different dishes. That always makes narratives seem less repetitive - and you can use them as metaphors, too.

~ Stephfordy Mayo

I love Pizza thicker, when the crust is thinner!

~ Jasleen Kaur Gumber

If it's dive-bombing you from the air, bury yourself in the sand. It might lose sight of you. Also, no one likes to eat food covered in sand. No one.

~ Andrew Shaffer

Couldn't he have come out and greeted her like a civil human being instead of lurking from his kitchen while she shared a clearly intimate moment with his brisket?

~ Tracy Ewens

We're not cannibals,' he said as if to remind them. 'Cannibals boil people alive in cauldrons. I prefer to think of ourselves as evolved eaters. As a family, we're at the forefront of fine dining. Human flesh is an acquired taste, and I've worked hard to give you all the chance to appreciate it for yourselves.

~ Matt Whyman

When you don't fit in anymore, eat less.

~ Benny Bellamacina

Jocelyn’s stomach lodged another complaint with the management regarding the length of time since breakfast.

~ Heidi Schulz

The body of the last Flealouse contained the flesh of everything that had ever lived. It was content.

~ Alasdair Gray

It is woven with the most powerful paradoxes in the Nine Worlds - Wi-Fi with no lag, a politician's sincerity, a printer that prints, healthy deep fried food, and an interesting grammar lecture!''Okay, yeah,' I admitted. 'Those things don't exist.

~ Rick Riordan

I'm asked a lot what the best thing about cooking for a living is. And it's this: to be a part of a subculture. To be part of a historical continuum, a secret society with its own language and customs. To enjoy the instant gratification of making something good with one's hands--using all one's senses. It can be, at times, the purest and most unselfish way of giving pleasure (thought oral sex has to be a close second).

~ Anthony Bourdain

On this matter I'm inclined to agree with the French, who gaze upon any personal dietary prohibition as bad manners.

~ Charles Dickens

Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.

~ Doug Larson

So I didn't have time to craft artful lies and evasions even if I'd wanted to.

~ Anthony Bourdain

I would lay down my life for this ice cream.''Wow. That's an endorsement. If I ever decide to mass produce, I'll have to put that on the carton.

~ Melissa Brayden

A six mile meteorite cannot compare with a culinary cataclysm of this magnitude.

~ Michelle Franklin

There's a great Lebanese restaurant a few blocks over. They have the best shawarma in the world. What's shawarma? You know what a gyro is? No. Same thing.

~ Huston Piner

One time, I went to a restaurant and I asked the waiter for some food for thought. He left, came back, and tried shoving a sirloin in my ear.

~ Travis J. Dahnke