Humor Quotes

How bad do you want cancer? Bad enough to eat a rainbow of it? Personally, I think the red cancer would be the worst, but anything you swallow with artificial hues in it is going to pop a tumor out of your body the day after you eat it.

~ Laurie Notaro

I’d eat a picnic in Hades with him.

~ Kristen Ashley

They got cream puffs at the bakery but I bet yours will be better,” he noted. “As Americans often put sweetened whipped cream or vanilla pudding between the choux pastry, and we’ll be making crème patisserie, this is indeed a fact.” “What’s crème patisserie?” Ethan asked. “Proof there is a God,” I answered.

~ Kristen Ashley

I had a dream about you last night. We were in your old Civic. Nine Inch Nails was turned up on the stereo and I was taking pictures of you behind the wheel with my disposable camera. We went through the drive through at El Pollo Loco, placed an order for a hundred bucks worth of food, and then just drove off at the window. I miss being stupid with you.

~ Crystal Woods

We are what no one wants to miss at the party. I act delighted, but I have zero interest in these Capitol people. They are only distractions from the food.

~ Suzanne Collins

He swallowed his food this time and actually spoke instead of humphing

~ Elle Klass

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

~ Mitch Hedberg

The whole point of straws, I had thought, was that you did not have to set down the slice of pizza to suck a dose of Coke while reading a paperback.

~ Nicholson Baker

Abignades or abegnadesA term used in te department of the Landes for the intestines of a goose cooked in its blood. Abegnades are found almost solely in the chalosse region, where they are eaten on bread fried in goose fat, with slices of lemon.

~ Escoffier

Thin people, God bless them, God curse them, don't get it: If you're not thin, you need to be careful and conscious about when and how you suitors initially see you.

~ Frank Bruni

Damn,' someone behind me says. 'I was hoping we would get to scrape some Stiff pancake off the pavement later.

~ Veronica Roth

It is hard to convince people of this, but oatmeal truly is miraculous. It gives you an amazing amount of energy, like cocaine.

~ Kelly Williams Brown

I can tell by the look on Hagin's face that he had eaten some of my food. It is amazing those boys aren't fat.

~ R.a. Smith

Are bacon and chocolate the foundation of a good meal? No, everybody knowsthat is a deep fryer and/or gravy. However, I have long held the notion that you can't name a food that I can't improve by adding either bacon or chocolate.

~ Aaron Blaylock

Will everyone stop eating dinosaurs?' she frowned.

~ Neale Osborne

In geometry, whenever we had to find the area of a circle, pi * radius squared, I would get really hungry for pie. Square pie.

~ Dan Florence

Sandwiches,' she said, 'like diamonds, are forever.

~ Muriel Spark

What's on the inside, beneath that sugar? Is it a bug? Is it a booger?

~ Elle Valentine

If I can't suck your milkshake through a straw, it's not a milkshake--it's a glass of ice cream.

~ Bill Maher

New Rule: Americans have to come up with a better cheese to represent the nation than American cheese. I'm not even sure American cheese is cheese. I think it's aged Jell-O. And it doesn't need to be individually wrapped in plastic, either. You're thinking of condoms.

~ Bill Maher

When you celebrate, there is sure to be cake.Florence Ditlow, in The Bakery Girls.

~ Florence Ditlow

Rotten people will taste rotten ice cream.

~ Sarah Chow

Enjoy your Evening.That will depend on the menu. If it's beef, it will be a tolerable meal. If it's chicken... Elliot shuddered. What is the point of chicken?Eggs?

~ Anne Bishop

[There's a] point where you have to leave the dough alone. It's silly to anthropomorphize bread, but I love the fact that it needs to sit quietly, to retreat from touch and noise and drama, in order to evolve. I have to admit, I often feel that way myself.

~ Jodi Picoult

Silas consumed only one food, and it was not bananas.

~ Neil Gaiman

Beans are a warm cloak against economic cold.

~ John Steinbeck

Well, good Christ, how was I supposed to know all that, Hannah? Who looks into the fine points when he's hungry? I'm eight years old and chocolate pudding happens to get me hot. All I have to do is see that deep chocolatey surface gleaming out at me from the refrigerator, and my life isn't my own.

~ Philip Roth

I wondered if full-blooded vampires had something like blue balls for their fangs if they didn’t get to feed when they were expecting to. Like some kind of pseudo-sexual gingivitis.

~ Sierra Dean

Preparing the communal evening meal sometimes caused arguments. Every village in Sicily had a different recipe for squid and eels, disagreed on what herbs should be disbarred from the tomato sauce. And whether sausages should ever be baked.

~ Mario Puzo

They were almond cookies, although they could have been made of spinach and shoes for all I cared. I ate eleven of them, right in a row. It is rude to take the last cookie.

~ Lemony Snicket

I unwrapped my love for her like one might unwrap leftovers. Gotta eat up the old stuff first, as a cannibal might say in a retirement home.


~ Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I was lucky to live in the 20th century, when gefilte fish could be purchased in a jar.

~ Barbara Cutie Cooper

Love is a banana. First you peel it, and then you roll on the condom.


~ Dark Jar Tin Zoo

When he heard there was nothing to eat, he sat down and wept… “Why did I ever wake up!” he cried.

~ J.r.r. Tolkien

Hurray', shouted Glokta. 'Porridge again!'He looked over at the motionless Practical. 'Porridge and honey, better than money, everything's funny, with porridge and honey!

~ Joe Abercrombie

Poor animals! How jealously they guard their pathetic bodies…that which to us is merely an evening’s meal, but to them is life itself.

~ T. Casey Brennan

The potatoes were starch grenades. The canned carrots were revolting because that is their nature.

~ David Mitchell

We pass Tinsley's Fried Chicken with the big sign that reads, TRY OUR BIG, JUICY BREASTS.

~ Donna Cooner

Anybody have any money?”Frank checked his pockets. “Three denarii from Camp Jupiter. Five dollars Canadian.”Hedge patted his gym shorts and pulled out what he found. “Three quarters, two dimes, a rubber band and—score! A piece of celery.”He started munching on the celery, eyeing the change and the rubber band like they might be next.

~ Rick Riordan

I would love a sandwich,' said Tybalt, with enough gravity to make it sound like a formal proclamation. Resolved: that we will have ham and cheese sandwiches.

~ Seanan Mcguire