Humor Quotes

I'm going on a diet.  (Crud, I know)I am going to be cranky. I am going to be irritable.I am going to be moody and sad and mean. And, yes, I am going to be hungry. Please don't feed me, even if I try to bite you. Please don't tease me, I may hurt you.Please don't try to encourage me, I may growl and snap at you. Please don't help me, I may blame you for everything aggravating in the known universe.  Please don't be offended by my scowl, I cannot smile.  But most importantly, please keep your distance until this trial is over to prevent any unnecessary casualties. Thank you for your understanding. 

~ Richelle E. Goodrich

To me, chocolate was the sole reason we on this earth.

~ Esi Edugyan

Will you dance for me? Let your breasts roam for a moment -- I need to see how they dance.''Okay.' She danced, and as she danced, she tried to think of the most delicious salads she could imagine -- with artichokes and sundried tomato and blue cheese dressing, and beets, lots of beets.

~ Nicholson Baker

The French have the right respect for dogs--in France we chiens get to go to lunch and dinner anytime, anywhere.

~ Sheron Long

It's woman's power, food is. You be sure you know where'n the hook is before swallerin' it, Dru. You mind me, now.

~ Lili St. Crow

Get out of bed and feed me already, person!

~ Rachel Cohn

Just because I'm no jaw clacker doesn't mean there should be a ruction put up whenever I have sommat to say.

~ Tamora Pierce

The post on her left was occupied by Mr. Erskine of Treadley, an old gentleman of considerable charm and culture, who had fallen, however, into bad habits of silence, having, as he explained once to Lady Agatha, said everything that he had to say before he was thirty.

~ Oscar Wilde

A closed mouth catches no flies.

~ Miguel De Cervantes Saavedra

On the whole, we're a murderous race. According to Genesis, it took as few as four people to make the planet too crowded to stand, and the first murder was a fratricide. Genesis says that in a fit of jealous rage, the very first child born to mortal parents, Cain, snapped and popped the first metaphorical cap in another human being. The attack was a bloody, brutal, violent, reprehensible killing. Cain's brother Abel probably never saw it coming. As I opened the door to my apartment, I was filled with a sense of empathic sympathy and intuitive understanding. For freaking Cain.

~ Jim Butcher

Then I turned, and lifted up mine eyes, and looked, and beheld a flying roll.

~ Zechariah 5:1

The Old Testament is actually pretty raunchy. You might enjoy it.

~ Nicki Elson

There is nothing, he tells me, more odious than a German. However, their women are seductive, and they make the world's most beautiful music. My employer sings me a German song. He sounds like a buffalo in distress. Afterward he makes me read to him from the Bible.

~ Sofia Samatar

King David had gotten old. He was so cold and frail that the court appointed a young woman to snuggle with him in his bed. No, they didn't have sex. Though the court did make a point of hiring someone beautiful, just to put a little sizzle in his chicken.

~ Mark Russell

He didn’t care if I hated him, only that I did as I was told.

~ Sheri Webber

Wanted: Steel toed Bible thumpers to reach a monster truck mad world.

~ M.j. Mcguire

We know that there are many animals on this continent not found in the Old World. These must have been carried from here to the ark, and then brought back afterwards. Were the peccary, armadillo, ant-eater, sloth, agouti, vampire-bat, marmoset, howling and prehensile-tailed monkey, the raccoon and muskrat carried by the angels from America to Asia? How did they get there? Did the polar bear leave his field of ice and journey toward the tropics? How did he know where the ark was? Did the kangaroo swim or jump from Australia to Asia? Did the giraffe, hippopotamus, antelope and orang-outang journey from Africa in search of the ark? Can absurdities go farther than this?

~ Robert G. Ingersoll

After Jesus showed up, the Old Testament basically became a way for Bible publishers to keep their word coun

~ Stephen Colbert

I'm not a Christian, but I have read his book.

~ Bill Maher

The Bible talks about building houses on sand and rock, but says nothing about a brick house built on a blanket.

~ Nicole Mckay

Humor is just another defense against theuniverse.

~ Mel Brooks

Probably in a parallel universe not far from here, I'm working for Nintendo.

~ David Mitchell

Parents. Honestly. Sometimes they really do think the world revolves around them.

~ Randa Abdel-Fattah

The universe had no choice but to create intelligent life so that there would be someone else that could simply laugh at how unbelievably, ridiculously and senselessly huge the universe is and how utterly insignificant the rest of us are.

~ Ian Strang

Living in a galaxy is like living in a neighborhood where the house down the street might have burned down four thousand years ago but you wouldn't know it for another three thousand years.

~ Amy Leach

After five seconds there was a click, and the entire Universe was there in the box with him.

~ Douglas Adams

Yesterday Allison bought me nail polish in the annoying shade of mauve. How can anyone look at me and think mauve?

~ Katie Mcgarry

From: bluegreen118@gmail.com To: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.comDate: Jan 7 at 7:23 AMSubject: Re: Really?On the Tumblr-you mean creeksecrets? .....But I really don't think I'm wrong. Jacques a dit. Right?-BlueSo, Yeah, I've been careless. I guess I left a trail of clues. and I shouldn't be surprised that Blue put them together. Maybe I kind of wanted him to.Jacques a dit is Simon Says in French, by the way, And it's obviously not as clever as I thought it was.

~ Becky Albertalli

My identity is not it, which given by the community. my identity is my natural mask.

~ Mh Mahdi

I'd like to say I'm not self-absorbed compared to others, but that's hard to say since I'm far too self-absorbed to pry into others' self-absorption.

~ Anonymous

Reverend Harper: Have you ever tried to persuade him that he wasn't Teddy Roosevelt?Abby Brewster: Oh, no.Martha Brewster: Oh, he's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt.Abby Brewster: Oh... Do you remember, Martha, once, a long time ago, we thought if he'd be George Washington, it might be a change for him, and we suggested it.Martha Brewster: And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody.

~ Joseph Kesselring

Basing your identity on sexuality is like building a house on a foundation of pudding. - D. Travers Scott

~ Carol Queen

[Caine]Interesting. Me, I've always wanted to know who my real parents were.[Sam]Let me guess: you're secretly a wizard who was raised by muggles.

~ Michael Grant

Wonder why we can do this,' he called out with his mind. The mental effort of speaking to her was already straining—he felt a headache forming like a bulge in his brain. 'Maybe we were lovers,' Teresa said. Thomas tripped and crashed to the ground. Smiling sheepishly at Minho, who’d turned to look without slowing, Thomas got back up and caught up to him. 'What?' he finally asked. He sensed a laugh from her, a watery image full of color.

~ James Dashner

I nipped little kisses along his jawline. God, I just couldn't keep my hands or lips off of him. God, you are the most delicious thing I have ever tasted.He laughed. That's something the vampire should be saying to you, not the other way around.

~ Tish Thawer

That really pissed me off, because I am worth it, goddamn it!”“I know you—”“Still talking here!

~ Robin L. Rotham

I know I’m not an easy She-dragon to. . not fear.” “I’m not afraid of you, Ghleanna. I’ve never been afraid of you. To be quite honest. . I think you’re amazing. I always have. Since the first time you ignored me.

~ G.a. Aiken

I’m so in love with you, Braith,” he told her, and she felt in her bones that he meant every word. “And do you know why?”“I have no idea,” she replied honestly.“Because I am such an amazing dragon that I know I richly deserve a She-dragon as wonderful as you. See?” he asked, grinning at her. “How could I not love you when you’re so clearly made for me?

~ G.a. Aiken

Oh, gods. Not the flying!”“I heard you mounted my sister well enough.”“I want you never to make that statement again.

~ G.a. Aiken

How do you live with yourself, Lord Arrogant?” “Very easily, Lady Difficult. I find myself quitecharming.

~ G.a. Aiken