Jen Lancaster Quotes

I want to change my life...except I sort of like it. I mean, I couldn't be more delighted every Monday night after Fletch goes to bed when I come downstairs, pull up the Bachelor on TiVo, drink Riesling, and eat cheddar/port wine Kaukauna cheese without freakign out over fat grams. I'm perpetually in a good mood because I do everything I want. I love having the freedom to skip the gym to watch a Don Knots movie on the Disney Channel without a twinge of guilt. I've figured out how to not be beholden to what other people believe I should be doing, and when the world tells me I ought to be a size eight, I can thumb my nose at them in complete empowerment.

~ Jen Lancaster

I stuff another handful of Raisinets in my mouth. What gets me is the 'pretty face' bit. 'Cause I won't mind being reminded I'm fat as long as you water it down first. Why not say, Hey I'm going to insult you, but first I will congratulate your fortunate genetics and appropriate appliclation of Bobbi Brown cosmetics to prevent you from hitting me. Sh*t; I kind of prefer being called a 'fat bitch.' At least it doesn't pull any punches.

~ Jen Lancaster

I don't care how happily married you are or how deeply enmeshed you are with your children and family and career -- every woman needs a couple of chicks who'll break out the sangria just because you need to vent.

~ Jen Lancaster

When she gets rattled, the South really comes out. Once when Daddy tried to cancel our country club membership because he said the dues were too high, she went from zero to Atlanta burning in zero point five seconds.

~ Jen Lancaster

Amen,' I exclaim, accidentally spitting out a Raisinet. I pick up the chocolate with a Kleenex and stuff it in my purse. Ten bucks says a month from now I'll have forgotten about it and will finally have said heart attack when I assume a rat shat in there.

~ Jen Lancaster

I never sleep on the plane. I have to be awake and using my mind power to keep it in the air

~ Jen Lancaster

Maybe I've moved to the dark side, but it's clean and nice and we never run out of toilet paper.

~ Jen Lancaster

You know what? We need a recession in this country, because that would finaly weed out al the subnormal, underdeveloped, stupefied, puerile people in this workforce.

~ Jen Lancaster

Owning a dog is slightly less expensive than being addicted to crack.

~ Jen Lancaster

I'm a humor writer, so I don't always present myself in the best light.

~ Jen Lancaster

Humor's an excellent way to make a point more palatable and/or relatable.

~ Jen Lancaster

Remember when Japan was cool? We used to run around with 'Mr. Roboto' on our Walkmans, 'The Karate Kid' in our Betamaxes and wore T-shirts embossed with the characters for 'storm sewer' and 'dishwasher.'

~ Jen Lancaster

When it comes to matters of pro sports, politics or palate, disparate sides claim their party, team and cola to be superior.

~ Jen Lancaster

I've always been able to cook Italian food. That's in my blood because I'm half Sicilian.

~ Jen Lancaster

I realized I couldn't have one foot in the fiction world and one foot in the nonfiction world, which is why 'Here I Go Again' is so not me. I didn't graduate from high school in the '90s, I never listened to metal music, and I don't time travel.

~ Jen Lancaster

There's nothing fun about stuff like estate planning, getting mammograms, or talking to a guy about long term disability insurance, but do it anyway. Trust me, the stress of not having done the above is prematurely aging.

~ Jen Lancaster

My friend created an iPhone app that locates Vienna Beef products across the country. Personally, I came hardwired with an internal GPS that instinctively points me toward coffee shops, cupcake stores and the perfect Chicago-style dog, so I find this technology redundant.

~ Jen Lancaster

I just thank God my husband and I found each other before the advent of social media. I can't imagine dating someone and seeing what they're doing on their Facebook page. And people breaking up with each other over texts now? We had to break up with each other face to face back then.

~ Jen Lancaster