I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
~ Emo Philips
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
