A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone.
~ Larry David
I couldn't be happier that President Bush has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the Army Reserve at the height of the Vietnam War.
Most people are completely unaware of their breath. They violate your space, they have no idea that they have halitosis.
When you're not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom.
Women love a self-confident bald man.
The best situation is being a single parent. The best part about is that you get time off, too, because the kids are with their mom, so it's the best of both worlds. There's a lot to be said for it.
If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny.
I gave a funny speech at my wife's birthday party, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, I've still got it.'
There's also a certain rhythm to the way Jews talk that might be funny.
You have to discover when you're inadequate to be funny and you don't know you're inadequate when you're a kid.
Golf and dating don't mix.
I wanted to make a living, but I really was not interested in money at all. I was interested in being a great comedian.
It began to dawn on me that perhaps my country needed me more at home than overseas.
I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good spot picked out.
