Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
~ Rita Rudner
A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes.
Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours free Retin-A.
Men like cars women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.
Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.
Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing away their comic books. They would be valuable now.
Most of the men sitting in first class on an airplane have really boring jobs.
There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.
Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence.
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around.
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'
To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.
