Hilarious Quotes

It was a nasty look. It made me feel as if I were something the dog had brought in and intended to bury later on, when he had time.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

And so the merry party began. It was one of those jolly, happy, bread-crumbling parties where you cough twice before you speak, and then decide not to say it after all.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

Damn it! I knew she was a monster! John! Amy! Listen! Guard your buttholes.

~ David Wong

Follow my finger. He moved it around, tracking my eye movements. Any blurred vision?Well I think I'm hallucinating, because I see a big talking pile of crap. - Joanne Baldwin.

~ Rachel Caine

But you have so much in common. You're both from strange little backwater planets. You both have odd powers. You're male and she's female. What more do you need? Believe me, buddy, if I were you, I'd go right up there and ask her if she wants to ride on my rancor.

~ Dave Wolverton

Oh man, Alex. That's sad. Seriously, mate, go get yourself laid.What? He gave Baldrick a quick kiss on his little head--he didn't care how stupid he looked, he loved his ugly cat--and put him down on his kitty bed in the corner.Isn't that what single sad people do--get cats when they've given up on human companionship?

~ L.a. Gilbert

Shane waved a hand. “Please, we know that all ittakes to get into your pants is a Hot Pocket and aNetFlix rental.

~ Stephani Hecht North's Complications

With these words there came the rending scream of a shattered stirk and an angry troubling of the branches as the poor madman percolated through the sieve of a sharp yew, a wailing black meteor hurtling through green clouds, a human prickles.

~ Flann O'brien

How much of my fever-induced dream was real? I felt safe assuming that my time as a bee was fiction, as well as a few mythological animals that I swear I'd seen. Then I'd lived on the sun with aliens.

~ Cora Carmack

God help him if any of them ever came true. Why, he'd be a two-headed, three-toed, monkey-nosed, blind son of a cesspit-licking lackey is she had her way.

~ Kinley Macgregor

Merlin seeks assistance from Pigwiggen, the only one of Arthur's knights who is also a fairy, and they unite their enchantments to move the British Court to Turkestan. Lively end to Act One.

~ Davies Robertson

Son of a motherfucking, ass-reaming, shit-eating, hell-dodging soulless bitch!

~ Rachel Vincent

Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious.

~ Zach Galifianakis

Honestly, my dating life according to the tabloids is very exciting, and the most hilarious thing is that it's nowhere near as exciting as the tabloids have ever made it out to be.

~ Margot Robbie