Humor Quotes

I have forgiven Jesus for all of the love he placed in me, when there's no one I can turn to with this love.

~ Morrissey

There are more than enoughto fight and oppose,why waste good timefighting the people you like?

~ Morrissey

There are some bad people on the rise,they're saving their own skins by ruining people's lives.

~ Morrissey

Even now - in the final hour of my life -I'm falling in love again.

~ Morrissey

You say: 'Oh, please forgive'You say: 'Oh, live and let live.'But sorry doesn't help us.Sorry will not save us.Sorry is just a word you find so easy to say (so you say it anyway).Sorry doesn't help us.Sorry won't protect us.Sorry won't undo all the good gone wrong.

~ Morrissey

I used to dream, and I used to vow;I wouldn't dream of it now.

~ Morrissey

Satan rejected my soul; as low as he goes,he never quite goes this low.

~ Morrissey

If you talk bad about country music, it's like saying bad things about my momma. Them's fightin' words

~ Dolly Parton

Sometimes I am two people. Johnny is the nice one. Cash causes all the trouble. They fight.

~ Johnny Cash

They said they respect me, which means, their judgment is crazy.

~ Morrissey

On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four-piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty good, but we didn’t keep in touch. They’re probably taxi drivers and accountants by now.

~ Craig Ferguson

Hold on to your friends.Resist - or move onBe mad, be rashSmoke and explodeSell all of your clothesJust bear in mind:There just might come a timeWhen you need some friends

~ Morrissey

Who can fail to mist at Fergie's anthem, 'My humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps.' Hmmm. 'My lunch, my lunch, I swear it's coming up.

~ Celia Rivenbark

Life is a pigsty.

~ Morrissey

We hate it when our friends become successful.

~ Morrissey

Music and comedy are so linked. The rhythm of comedy is con­nected to the rhythm of music. They’re both about creating tension and knowing when to let it go. I’m always surprised when somebody funny is not musical.

~ Conan O'brien

The tune was wailing and mournful, almost flagrantly so, and the total effect was of a heartbroken piccolo being parted forever from its bagpipe lover.

~ Peter S. Beagle

Yet, for my part, I was never usually squeamish; I could sometimes eat a fried rat with a good relish, if it were necessary. I am glad to have drunk water so long, for the same reason that I prefer the natural sky to an opium-eater’s heaven. I would fain keep sober always; and there are infinite degrees of drunkenness. I believe that water is the only drink for a wise man; wine is not so noble a liquor; and think of dashing the hopes of a morning with a cup of warm coffee, or of an evening with a dish of tea! Ah, how low I fail when I am tempted by them! Even music may be intoxicating. Such apparently slight causes destroyed Greece and Rome, and will destroy England and America. Of all ebriosity, who does not prefer to be intoxicated by the air he breathes?

~ Henry David Thoreau

Rush to danger, wind up nowhere.

~ Morrissey

Diazapam (that's valium), temazepam, lithium, ECT, HRT - how long must I stay on this stuff? Don't give me anymore!

~ Morrissey

I wish the government would put a tax on pianos for the incompetent.

~ Edith Sitwell

The verse is supposed to get you hard so the chorus can suck you off.

~ M. Thomas Gammarino

Why don't you find out for yourself?Then you'll see the glass, hidden in the grass.

~ Morrissey

The Little Drummer Boy was playing in the background for what seemed like the third time in a row. I fought off an urge to beat that Little Drummer Boy seneless with his own drumsticks.

~ Dana Reinhardt

But had I accepted the pickle juice, I would be drinking pickle juice right now.

~ Nicki Minaj

Look, dude, you've sampled your life, mixed those sounds with a funk precedent, and established a sixteen-bar system of government for the entire rhythm nation. Set the Dj up as the executive, the legislative, and judicial branches. I mean, after listening to your beat, anything I've heard on the pop radio in the last five years feels like a violation of my civil rights.

~ Paul Beatty

I like the smell of my Grandma's soap - I used to sit in the bath and eat it.

~ Carl Barât

Disco's are tricky. You look a total wally if you dance too early but after one crucial song tips the disco over, you look a sad saddo if you don't.

~ David Mitchell

On the Rolling Stones - You will walk out of the Amphitheatre after watching the Stones perform and suddenly the Chicago stockyards smell clean and good by comparison.

~ Tom Fitzpatrick

I cringed as the band oozed into the next chord. If notes were cars, I think there was a D major under the wreckage.

~ Mary Hughes

My loathings are simple. stupidity, oppression, crime, cruelty, soft music.

~ Vladimir Nabokov

Did you hear what I was playing, Lane?I didn't think it polite to listen, sir.

~ Oscar Wilde

You know when I'm down to my socks it's time for businessThat's why they're called business socksIt's business, it's business time

~ Flight Of The Conchords

Emblematic of this era was the prolific Viennese surgeon Theodor Billroth. Born in 1821, Billroth studied music and surgery with almost equal verve. (The professions still often go hand in hand. Both push manual skill to its limit; both mature with practice and age; both depend on immediacy, precision, and opposable thumbs.)

~ Siddhartha Mukherjee

I do not believe in decent women who do not know how to play the piano.

~ Gabriel García Márquez

Nobody loves me but mama, and she may be jivin too.

~ B.b. King

What is Lisztomania, and how was it cured? Who was Drog, and what was his prophecy regarding Electronic Music? What preparation do you need before throwing an artistic tantrum? Which orchestral musicians are also qualified to run a hospital?The plausible answers to these and many other tantalising questions can be found in this wickedly funny – and occasionally just wicked – book.

~ Patrick Brislan

… A wonderful collection of truths, and almost all are inconvenient’.‘… Something here to offend everyone’.‘… Everything from burlesque to parody, and with a sprinkling of serious commentary to confound the believers’.In the interest of balance however, here are some quotes from reviews which might have been written by others less inclined to view Heresies favorably. Again, I have undertaken this task on their behalf:“…a random assortment of schoolboy jokes. Possibly enjoyable for those who like juvenile humour – assuming they find it funny at all.”“The attempts at serious commentary are laughable, while the so-called heretical viewpoints are the unfunny fancies of a feeble mind.”“… Betrays an underlying resentment – disguised as ‘heresy’ – of those of eminence and achievement in music’s historical record.”Hmm. Can they all be right?

~ Patrick Brislan

Do you know what happens when you play a country song backwards? You get your wife back, your dog back and your job back.

~ Richard Belzer

After we hung up, I took the joint. If I was going to die here, in the creepy basement out of a horror movie, in an epic snowstorm that was like an icy prison, with a wife unwilling to pretend-like Bananarama to maybe save her husband's life, I should at least go out with a smile on my face.

~ Eric Spitznagel