Humor Quotes

Don't worry. It's scientifically unlikely that the universe will explode into a million particles at any given moment.

~ Lois Greiman

Dating--the socially accepted alternative to the rack.

~ Lois Greiman

In my opinion, kissing a lady's hand is a fine tradition. After all, a man must start somewhere.

~ Lois Greiman

Some people say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. In actuality, you have to make an incision through his skin, both dermis and epidermis, then carefully sever and separate the sternum. Only upon viewing the exposed thoracic cavity can you reach the heart--if indeed the male of the species actually possesses such an organ.

~ Lois Greiman

I don't need no PMS. I can bitch under my own steam.

~ Lois Greiman

Maybe money can't buy happiness, but it can get you a nice little villa in Tuscany, and that's close enough for me.

~ Lois Greiman

Solberg, nature's greatest argument against cloning.

~ Lois Greiman

He's an undersized pissant with delusions of adequacy.

~ Lois Greiman

Jealousy. It's a terrible thing. Unless it's someone else's.

~ Lois Greiman

It'd hardly be worth having a brother at all, if you couldn't smack him in the head every once in a while.

~ Lois Greiman

It's not who you know, it's who you sleep with.

~ Lois Greiman

Some men are warriors and some men are weenies. The trick is figuring out which is which.

~ Lois Greiman

Today's problems are yesterday's mistakes coming back to bite you in the ass.

~ Lois Greiman

Maybe life does suck, Pork Chop, but it beats the hell out of the alternative.

~ Lois Greiman

Just when you think you have life by the tail, it's likely to whip around and take a hunk outta your balls.

~ Lois Greiman

There is no greater hell than realizing you're in love with the guy you hate.

~ Lois Greiman

Generally, men are superior in the areas of heavy lifting, where there's a past only by pachyderms and building cranes. Beyond that, I believe any right-thinking thinking will see that women have the indisputable advantage.

~ Lois Greiman

The theory of relativity doesn't amount to a hill of beans when there's a bonfire in your shorts.

~ Lois Greiman

Fair play is all well and good. But knowing how to kick 'em in the balls can get you out of a jam 9 times out of 10.

~ Lois Greiman

Just remember this, Missy, escargot ain't nothin' but snails with their noses stuck in the air.

~ Lois Greiman

Beauty is only skin deep, but who gives a shit what's under their skin anyway?

~ Lois Greiman

Chocolate may be cheaper than a psychiatrist, but the latter doesn't generally adhere to your ass for the rest of your natural life.

~ Lois Greiman

If I want to catch the damn worm I get outta bed.

~ Lois Greiman

He's just a flash in the pants.

~ Lois Greiman

Luck is merely a product of the happily delusional mind.

~ Lois Greiman

Honesty is the best policy. But insanity is a hell of a lot more effective in court. So your set, McMullen

~ Lois Greiman

Breaking up is hard to do. But, bustin him in the head ain't that easy, either.

~ Lois Greiman

They say love makes the world go around… I been dizzy for a long time.

~ Lois Greiman

Sex is all right, but a hot fudge sundae don't never ask if the baby's really his.

~ Lois Greiman

I fear that someday you will abandon the joys we share and find another not worthy of your charms.

~ Lois Greiman

I try to read and write something interesting every day.

~ Dave Vizard

A tontine is a kind of primitive insurance fund, combined with a sort of lottery. And while it has many flaws as a financial scheme, as a literary device…

~ Robert Bruce Stewart

I’m beginning to wish I’d had you deported after the first murder! Death seems to follow you around like the plague.

~ Steve Robinson

It takes it out of you, writing with heart. And it was just for me really. Sort of a confirmation to myself that my inner diva can still make love to the keyboard when she’s in the mood. I have to keep her roped and gagged when I’m writing for the newspapers. They don’t like her at all. They don’t want love. They want a quick tryst in a motel room that’s forgotten in a few hours.

~ Colin Cotterill

Nothing doing. I've no doubt you think I should look noble as a sacrifice. But I've never wanted to look noble, and I won't be made to. -- Neville Fletcher

~ Georgette Heyer

Don't worry. Chivalry has practically no appeal for me whatsoever. -- Neville Fletcher

~ Georgette Heyer

Will there be cheese? asked Chisolm.

~ Nancy T. Lucas

I’m after a mugger,” said Scout.“A hugger?” said Clyde. He was a little deaf. “I would imagine you receive plenty of hugs. They probably come to you. Why would you have to go after them?”“NO!” said Ike. “MMMMugger, you nitwit.” He made m-m-m-m noises with his lips.

~ Nancy T. Lucas

From Chapter 11 Rainy Day Puppy (The Missing Tulip Bulbs): The next few days were hard on the family. It rained. It was cold. Winter had returned. The puppy grew and gained energy equal to a neutron bomb. He bounced and chewed and barked.Everyone was exhausted, except for the puppy. -

~ Nancy T. Lucas

So much for the bimbo alert; if she read books like that, then there was a light on upstairs, above the splendid front porch.

~ C.i. Dennis