Humor Quotes

She came through the door the moment my beer arrived. Fortyish, salon-blonde, spray tan, fake boobs and real diamonds. Anywhere else it would be a bimbo alert, but in Florida it was just protective coloration.

~ C.i. Dennis

I'd spent my whole career dealing with badasses taking care of my nine-month-old boy should be a lark.

~ C.i. Dennis

If I was in deep shit with Lilian before, I was snorkeling at the waste treatment plant now.

~ C.i. Dennis

No wonder Thanksgiving was my favorite—you can't buy it, wrap it, or put it under a tree, and even the greeting card companies can't seem to make a buck off of it. It's just a meal, with people who you love and who love you back, no matter what.

~ C.i. Dennis

That’s our cue,” Dr. Chadwick noted, managing to approximate a cheerful smile, addressing the room at large. “Everyone please stand behind the yellow line until the doors open. No food, drink, flash photography, or video cameras are permitted. Once aboard the ride, please keep your hands and arms inside the vehicle at all times until we come to a full and complete stop. Otherwise, they’re apt to end up in another universe somewhere without ya, and wouldn’t that fry your noggin?

~ Stephanie Osborn

The right things often happen for the wrong reason.

~ Alex Adam

Where you been, girl?” Harvey answered. “I’ve been sendin’ you twits for the last hour.

~ Ann Charles

There's only one way of escaping trouble; and that's killing things. Henry Higgins, Act V, Pygmalion

~ George Bernard Shaw

When you're writing a whodunit, the dead body is the most important character. It's the pivot point around which the plot spins.

~ Adrianne Lee

Lucille,” Norma Jean whispered loud enough for me to hear from my foliage hideout. She leaned over her walker and adjusted her glasses. “Is that Willis Harvey up front by Elsa?”“Well, pinch my pooch, I believe it is,” Lucille said. “I barely recognize him with his clothes on.

~ Ann Charles

Violet Lynn Parker, you’d better spill or I’ll start bellowing ‘Happy Birthday’ to you in my Bobcat Goldthwait voice.

~ Ann Charles

I’m not ‘stubborn.’”“Oh, really?”Lifting my chin, I said, “I’m determined.” (Violet to Doc)

~ Ann Charles

I knew that kind of thinking was paranoid, but after the wacky crap that had happened to me over the last couple of months, these days I’d be suspicious of a jolly white-bearded man in a red suit carrying a bag over his shoulder.(Violet Parker)

~ Ann Charles

I had a feeling that Harvey wore his shotgun around the house like a pair of holey underwear.

~ Ann Charles

Disembodied spirits,” said his partner, “are not known to use telephones. Neither are spooks, phantoms, or werewolves.” “That was in the old days. Why shouldn’t they change with the times and be modern, too?

~ Robert Arthur

Simon's brain tried to comprehend the situation. 'Was an international supermodel really holding Doc Gutson, leader of the infamous Bloodworth Gang, captive?

~ Clare Havens

Ah ha! the Doc screeched suddenly, wheeling around. The salicylic acid! Maybe it SHOULD have been heated first!

~ Clare Havens

When you see me in a scarf you may think “Oh, she went to some trouble there.” But no, when I wear a scarf it means” this grey blouse was unwrinkled and those mocha pants make my behind look fine and voila I have a vivid grey,brown and white silk scarf which means I have transformed self from bone lazy to coordinated accessory maven.--Bridget Allison (Gretchen Gallen in my book#3, Maid in Waiting publish date June 2014)

~ Bridget Allison

When you see me in a scarf you may think “Oh, she went to some trouble there.” But no, when I wear a scarf it means this grey blouse was unwrinkled and those mocha pants make my behind look fine and voila I have a vivid grey and brown silk scarf which means I have transformed self from bone lazy to coordinated accessory maven.(Maid in Waiting publish date June 2014)

~ Bridget Allison

If I’m going down, I’m going down with lipstick on.

~ Beth Yarnall

It may be appropriate to quote a statement of Poincare, who said (partly in jest no doubt) that there must be something mysterious about the normal law since mathematicians think it is a law of nature whereas physicists are convinced that it is a mathematical theorem.

~ Mark Kac

The silver car had been closing in, but just then, it took a sharp turn to the left. Where are they going? Leor wondered. But he decided to keep it to himself. The cabby nodded and ran a hand through his hair. “Alright. Well, we’re here anyways.”Leor saw the winery a few blocks down. “I thought you said it’d take ten minutes?”“You made me nervous,” Claude retorted. “I drive fast when I’m nervous.”“You should get that checked,” Leor replied. “It can’t be good for your kids. Or your wife.

~ Zechariah Barrett

Imogene Duckworthy did not like pigs. She was fairly fond of cattle, having grown up surrounded by them. She hadn't been around pigs much. In fact, this was the first time she'd ever driven toward a pig farm.

~ Kaye George

That's it, Uncle Huey! Imogene Duckworthy whipped off her apron and flung it onto the slick, stainless steel counter. I quit! If only her voice didn’t sound so young.

~ Kaye George

Immy knocked on his open door. Mr. Mallett?The look on his narrow face was pained. What's with the Mr. Mallett? When you don't call me Mike, it's usually trouble.

~ Kaye George

Growing up in a family of gamblers, daredevils and practical jokers, I've learned a lot about timing and its first cousin, dumb luck, concepts I was introduced to while still in the womb.

~ Toby Speed

PDR: Persons of Dubious Reality; refugees from the collective consciousness. Uninvited visitors who have fallen through the grating that divides the real, from the written. They arrive with their actions hardwired due to their repetitious existence and the older and more basic they are, the more rigidly they stick to them. Characters from cautionary tales are particularly mindless; they do what they do because it's what they've always done.And it's our job to stop them.

~ Jasper Fforde

Your novels show only the tiniest fraction of detective work, the brilliant crime, the tantalizing clues, the dramatic chase, the final battle atop a lofty peak with ocean waves crashing down below, and then… justice served! If they wrote about the real world, four-fifths of the story would consist of the hero sitting in a library for months and following false leads.

~ Stefan Petrucha

I hate when I look in my closet and find clothes instead of Narnia.

~ H.b. Bolton

Always remember, there’s no such thing as luck, nothing happens by chance, and all is by divine intervention. You’re like a magnet, wherever you go, the people you have relationships with and those that are connected with them will be drawn to you. You’re needed, and soon, the little ones will look to you as well. If you let God be your guide, you’ll have the adventure of a lifetime. Jo, take what God gives you and run with it.

~ Diana Anderson

In the nineteenth century, The Romantics viewed Nature as benign, a glowing reflection of God's grace. Now we know better. Nature is brutal and, if it is feminine, she's not the kind of woman you can trust. Human beings may be her finest achievement yet, but when you get right down to brass tacks, we're meat. AIDS and organisms like streptococcus don't give a crap that we subdued the earth or produced a Shakespeare...

~ Rick Yancey

I feel like I've been ironing all day in high heels and no brassiere. ~Tizzy Donovan, Laid Out and Candle Lit

~ Ann Everett

I'd rather be stung to death by a bunch of piss ants. ~Synola Harper, You're Busting My Nuptials

~ Ann Everett

I swear, when that woman dies, she'll be deader than everybody else.~Pattiecake from Laid Out and Candle Lit

~ Ann Everett

Terrible accident; body parts was everywhere—-fingers, toes, wings, beaks. Ambulance people tried to scoop him all up, but apparently it ain’t so easy as you might think—telling a chicken from a Chinaman, I mean. Anyways, they got his weight off his driver’s license, picked up a hundred and thirty pounds of pieces and buried ‘em. Now his wife come every year 'bout this time to pay her respects. We don't serve chicken while she's here. Hope you ain't got a taste for it.

~ R.j. Leahy

I started to crawl off; then I remembered my leftover pizza, and I peeled off the salami, pepperoni, and anchovies and placed them on the CD tray (whicn no one used these days with flash drives around)on Boone's computer. I hit the close button and watched the smelly part of my delicious dinner slide away. Boone would have a great time wondering 'where's that smell coming from?

~ Duffy Brown

It is a truth universally acknowledged that one only comes up with clever, cutting remarks long after the other party is happily slumbering away.

~ Lauren Willig

LIPID (Last Idiot Person I Dated) syndrome: a largely undiagnosed but pervasive disease that afflicts single women.

~ Lauren Willig

It would be, like all of Pammy's parties, hot and crowded and filled with impossibly glamorous people with hip bones so sharp they could qualify as concealed weapons.

~ Lauren Willig

That could be a very sexy story.

~ Lyndee Walker