Humor Quotes

But that’s the thing about dead people: they can’t warn you to keep your nose out of things that are going to put your ass in danger.

~ Lyndee Walker

Anticipation tingled in my stomach: the kind of tingle that at first you don’t know if it’s a good tingle or a bad tingle – just a tingle.

~ Terry Weible Murphy

It’s still all “ifs” “buts” and “maybes”.’ ‘Maybe,’ I said. ‘But if what I’m saying is correct …

~ Terry Weible Murphy

Meaning, yes -- I don't really exist except on the page or in the back of your brain. But if you think it's weird a fictional character's telling this story, you ain't seen what happened, yet.

~ Kyle Michel Sullivan

Total confusion, disconnected nothing, absolute bewilderment. It's an enigma wrapped in a mystery, stuffed in a burrito, and smothered in taco sauce.

~ Russ Gregory

Never ask an elf for help; they might decide your better off dead, eh?

~ Christopher Paolini

And stop talking in that puffed-up way they taught you. Words aren't brains, you know.

~ Deepak Chopra

I have never yet figured out what to do about good advice that you get, and that you know right away would help you, but that you cannot follow.

~ Holly Lisle

Gran, for the gods' love, it's talk like yours that starts riots! I said keeping my voice down. Will you just put a stopper in it?She looked at me and sighed. Girl, do you ever take a breath and wonder if folk don't put out bait for you? To see if you'll bite? You'll never get a man if you don't relax.My dear old Gran. It's a wonder her children aren't every one of them as mad as priests, if she mangles their wits as she mangles mine.Granny, I told her, this is dead serious. I can't relax, no more than any Dog. I'm not shopping for a man. That's the last thing I need.

~ Tamora Pierce

Until you stalk and overrun, you cannot devour anyone.-Hobbes

~ Bill Watterson

Never give in to peer pressure, especially if the peer is not attractive.

~ Eugene Mirman

I go on the presumption that everyone's full of shit until proven otherwise, and this usually serves me in good stead.

~ Dennis Lehane

Find out what people want to do, then tell them to do it. They'll think you're a genius.

~ Connie Brockway

Conscience is like a pet: If you spoil it by too much attention it'll start yipping at the most inopportune times.

~ Connie Brockway

Here are the two states in which you may exist: person who writes, or person who does not. If you write: you are a writer. If you do not write: you are not. Aspiring is a meaningless null state that romanticizes Not Writing. It’s as ludicrous as saying, “I aspire to pick up that piece of paper that fell on the floor.” Either pick it up or don’t. I don’t want to hear about how your diaper’s full. Take it off or stop talking about it.

~ Chuck Wendig

Do whatever you want. Break stuff, touch your penis or boobs to anything, whatever.

~ Eugene Mirman

Over the years I've received thousands of e-mails looking for guidance. Some have real problems, some talk about monkeys and poo--though those people may also have real problems.

~ Eugene Mirman

If you forget your lines, you had better mumble with conviction.

~ Connie Brockway

If things are really overwhelming and you need to talk, you can give me a call at 347-273-2044.

~ Eugene Mirman

If you enjoy sticking a straw in a dog's ear, don't sit next to the pooch with a milkshake.

~ Alan Rogers

You want some advice?YesNever go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

~ Michael Robotham

You gotta look out for number one, but don't step in number two!

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Some general advice about writing:WRITE MORE, DO OTHER STUFF LESS.

~ Brian K. Vaughan

Your advice seems a little ironical.Oh, you may either follow it or reverse it—that is its chief beauty. It is equally good taken either way.

~ Thomas Henry Lister

You can just about always stand more 'n you think you can.

~ Texas Bix Bender

There's a lot more to ridin' a horse than just sittin' in the saddle and lettin' yer feet hang down.

~ Texas Bix Bender

[When asked for her advice to aspiring writers] Run! Just kidding. Sort of. Really, I think the best advice I can give is to wait for the book that compels you to write it-- the one that you eat, sleep, and breathe. If you try to force yourself to create an epic story, you will feel the ensuing drudgery quite acutely-- and worse, your readers will feel it too. Conversely, if you wait for the book that won't leave you alone until you finish it, your readers will feel that energy and it will make it difficult for them to put the book down until they have finished it!

~ Kealohilani

I understand your problem. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?

~ Arlene Betters

If someone begins to sing, do not maintain eye contact. The general advice given to fellow travellers is thus: leg it.

~ Ness Kingsley

Kiss my foot, sir; my face is for mouths of consequence.

~ Thomas Hardy

Please, be sure to display your stickers, so that I won’t misplace any of you. I lost a few people, while crossing the street, during the last tour. I didn’t think it was a big deal, but apparently, the boss frowns upon that sort of thing.

~ Jason Medina

You are allowed to float around having no damned idea what you want to do with yourself with no actual time frame in which you need to figure it out.

~ Brittany Gibbons

Surround yourself with people who are the ketchup to your french fries-they make you a better version of yourself. Yes french fries are amazing on their own, but combined with ketchup they are a force. Spend time with people who bring out your true flavors, but don’t overpower you.

~ Grace Helbig

Word of advice for any young man that might want to take out Malia or Sasha Obama - Their father can order an assassination, don't piss him off.

~ David C. Holley

Word of advice - never ask a terrorist the question 'What would you do for a Klondike bar?'.

~ David C. Holley

Remember, people who peek through keyholes have to expect an occasional poke in the eye.

~ Gary K. Wolf

A project is like love; it has clear intentions at the beginning, but it can get complicated.

~ Gerry Geek

Girls, if a boy says something that isn't funny, you don't have to laugh.

~ Amy Poehler

Mostly you love them and you cherish their milestones but occasionally you do want to tape them to a chair. That would be child abuse, DO NOT TAPE YOUR CHILDREN TO CHAIRS. If you want to tape your baby dolls to chairs, be my guest. I am fairly certain that there isn't like a Cabbage Patch CPS.

~ E. A. Davis

'We're not... we haven't been writing poetry and sprinkling rose petals and tripping hand in hand under rainbows, Kay.' 'Just because you have Y chromosomes doesn't mean you can't tell each other how you feel, Dylan. Your penises won't fall off if you do.'

~ Kim Fielding