Humor Quotes

I like to think of this little [newspaper] column as a brassière, or do I mean brasserie? Brazier, possibly. All three! A column that lifts, separates, supports, serves excellent cappuccino and crackles merrily with sweet-smelling old chestnuts.

~ Stephen Fry

It is good to brush your teeth when you are angry, because you brush harder and do a better job.

~ Lemony Snicket

Don’t be stupider than you need to be, I remind myself. Remember Calease? The last glowing girl you talked to tried to kill you.

~ Erica Cameron

When you’re given the gift of truth, you spend a lot of time trying to tone it down because it is already offensive enough.

~ Shannon L. Alder

In matters of religion and matrimony I never give advice, because I will not have anybody's torments in this world or the next laid to my charge.

~ Philip Dormer Stanhope

In second grade my second love wrote I love you on a scrap of paper and dropped it on my desk as he passed by. He was very shy and sullen. When he moved to another school at the end of the term, I was heartsick. I thought about him all summer. But I learned then that we do outgrow people and our tastes do change. One should not marry until one is older. At least ten.

~ Jane Russell

You can't lead when you have not been loaded with the skills of immagination.

~ Oladosu Feyikogbon

I will call bullshit on that so many times that the word bullshit will lose all meaning. -Milo

~ Cora Carmack

We've got this heat going on, that's all. If it's all the same to you, I'd rather not go into that end ofthings.Oh, it's all the same to me. You're both adults and you got two working brains between you. Bothof you were raised right, so what you do is your own business. Next time, though, lock the damn doorfirst.

~ Nora Roberts

Richard Feynman was fond of giving the following advice on how to be a genius. You have to keep a dozen of your favorite problems constantly present in your mind, although by and large they will lay in a dormant state. Every time you hear or read a new trick or a new result, test it against each of your twelve problems to see whether it helps. Every once in a while there will be a hit, and people will say, 'How did he do it? He must be a genius!

~ Gian-Carlo Rota

Those who believe everything they read probably should refrain from reading.

~ Matt

When facing unbeatable odds, just think of yourself as unbeatably odd. (The Hero's Guide to Being a Hero)

~ Christopher Healy

Never put off until tomorrow that which may be avoided entirely.

~ Bill Mckean

Advice is bullshit. It's just one asshole's opinion.

~ Justin Halpern

BE CAREFUL, OR BE ROADKILL!

~ Bill Watterson

Merrill Krause - My brothers have scared off just about any fellow who showed interest in getting to know me.Granny Lassiter - Well, if a man can't stand up to those brothers of yours, you needn't even consider him. A man ought to be able to hold his own with his wife's family.

~ Tracie Peterson

Paying attention is more important to reliability than moving slowly. Because he pays close attention, a Navy pilot can land a 40,000 lb. aircraft at 140 miles per hour on a pitching carrier deck, at night, more safely than the average teenager can cut a bagel.

~ Paul Graham

Wait, that’s your idea? That’s your expert advice? You’re going to tell these novelists to just keep going? You’re going to tell these honest, earnest writers: You gotta have faith? Those are George Michael lyrics, asshole. If they wanted that pep talk, they could just hang out inside a mall elevator.

~ Karen Russell

I liked my face. Ethan liked my face. A lot of people liked my face. Besides, makeup was really just glorified face paint.

~ D.a. Paul

Dagmar tried to stand, and Gwenvael caught her hand, pulling her back down. You can't leave me. I'm tortured and brooding. You need to show me how much you adore me so I can learn to love myself again.You've never stopped loving yourself.Because I'm amazing.

~ G.a. Aiken

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I might be a vampire so I don't give a shit. I'll heal

~ Gena Showalter

All that crap about time being a great healer is bullshit. Time heals nothing. Well, acne maybe.

~ Saurbh Katyal

Unhealthy behavior is actually common among doctors, who tend to know a lot about medicine but very little about health.

~ Sol Luckman

Peter remained on friendly terms with Christ notwithstanding Christ's having healed his mother-in-law.

~ Samuel Butler

We'd better get. But y'all have a nice night,' I say. Apparently, fear turns me Texan. A startling personality insight that I'll jot down later if I'm not dead in a ditch.

~ A.m. Robinson

You know, my main goal in life is trying not to end up in a straightjacket.

~ Tom Upton

Alan: Conning people out of their savings. Forgery. Blackmail. Selling real estate on Mars. We could have it all. You with me, Bambi?Sin: Clive, I was with you from 'I'm a social worker.

~ Sarah Rees Brennan

But you never said anything! Not one frigging word, Lara Jean!”Automatically I say, “Don’t say ‘frig.’ ”“Not one frigging word,” Kitty repeats with a shake of her head.Peter cracks up, and I give him a dirty look. “It all happened really fast,” he offers. “There was barely time to tell anybody—”“Was I talking to you?” Kitty snaps. “No, I don’t think so. I was talking to my sister.”Peter’s eyes widen, and I can see him trying to keep a straight face.

~ Jenny Han

Well-- I don’t know-- the cops might not respond too well to you looking through their windows with a telescope.

~ Tom Upton

I don’t believe it! You’re still interested in the girl, despite the fact that she might be some kind of alien. Does this sickness of yours have any bounds?

~ Tom Upton

I’ve always found wildlife very calming-- except when animals are eating each other, of course.

~ Tom Upton

Who in their right mind counts the tiles on the floor when they go visiting a neighbor?

~ Tom Upton

Librarians are notorious snitches—don’t let anybody convince you otherwise.

~ Tom Upton

A seal the size of Canada attaches to her soul light.

~ Victoria Scott

You have to figure that there is something seriously wrong with somebody who wants to enter a profession that deals with whether people are screwing enough. Dealing with spirits, spooks, and demons almost seemed normal.

~ Tom Upton

. ‘Because off-duty cops walk around the city wearing sweatshirts advertising they’re cops all the time, never mind it’s a hundred degrees outside. And never mind you look like the youngest cop ever recruited in the history of policing.’He tsks at me. ‘Have you never seen 21 Jump Street?

~ Sarah Alderson

For everyone knows that a girl cannot live on chicken cordon blue alone.

~ Lindsay Eland

It was at this time that I formed one of my own insights: it was strange how intelligent people, like Raffles, without being asked, freely spout off their insights and actually expect less intelligent people, like me, to be interested.

~ Tom Upton

His hands still on his shoulders. “Hi,” he says. “Sorry.” “For what?” “For the fact that you are such a big flirt.” He laughs. “You’re the one in my lap. I was just sitting here minding my own business.” “Just the plane, then?” “Of course.” I try to stand up, but he pulls me back down again. “Man, the plane is really bumpy today,” he says.

~ Kasie West

Are you here for a reason, Cheshire?Why, yes, I would enjoy a cup of tea. I take mine with lots of cream, and no tea. Thank you.

~ Marissa Meyer