Humor Quotes

I should never do anything pre-coffee. 'It was only a teeny fire,' I told my uncle over the phone.

~ Cindy Brown

Two young adventurers for hire. Willing to do anything, go anywhere. Pay must be good. No reasonable offer refused.

~ Agatha Christie

Where are your clothes? And do not pretend you do not know. I can accept that you may not know if you killed a man, but every girl always knows where her clothes are.

~ M.r.c. Kasasian

It could have been worse. He could have said he wasn't a 'dessert person' and then I would have been forced to jump out of a moving car.

~ Saba Kapur

Hunter let go of JJ who started dusting his jacket with both hands. ‘Look at what you’ve done to my suit man, these things don’t come cheap you know.’ Garcia checked his pocket change. ‘Here.’ He extended his hand towards JJ. ‘A dollar ninety-five. Go buy another one.

~ Chris Carter

Of course I believe in hell. I have three brothers.

~ Lois Greiman

If you don't like your teeth, keep your mouth shut.

~ Lois Greiman

Maybe knowledge is power, but it ain't nearly as as satisfying as punching some smart ass in the chops.

~ Lois Greiman

Excuses are like butt holes everyone has 'em and they all stink.

~ Lois Greiman

If money don't buy happiness, what the hell does?

~ Lois Greiman

Matrimony and firefighting. They ain't for cowards.

~ Lois Greiman

What if there's no such thing as PMS, and this is just my personality?

~ Lois Greiman

You don't know many friends you have till you buy a big-ass house on the beach.

~ Lois Greiman

You guys gotta get a license to drive a Geo, but any doofus with a few good swimmers can be a father.

~ Lois Greiman

A friend is someone who will bike to the ice cream shop with you, even when you don't look so good.

~ Lois Greiman

Taxes for people with too much damned time on their hands.

~ Lois Greiman

Expect stupid. It's everywhere.

~ Lois Greiman

The trouble with insanity is it can flare up at the most inconvenient moments.

~ Lois Greiman

If men were necessary in the procreation process, they'd have gone the way of the dodo bird long ago.

~ Lois Greiman

I'd love to go out with you, but I'd hate to deprive some village of its idiot.

~ Lois Greiman

If at 1st you don't succeed, stretch out on your La-Z-Boy with a six-pack and a porn flick. Y' still won't succeed, but you sure as hell won't give a shift.

~ Lois Greiman

A person without regrets is called a corpse.

~ Lois Greiman

Sometimes it's nice to have a man around the house. But a dog will clean the dishes.

~ Lois Greiman

False hope is better than no hope at all.

~ Lois Greiman

All's well so long-as you don't get shot in the hind end with a twenty gauge.

~ Lois Greiman

I'm just an everyday kind of hero. If the everyday kind saves babies from burning buildings and looks hotter than hell in bunker gear.

~ Lois Greiman

A woman needs a man like a tuba needs a cucumber.

~ Lois Greiman

There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who enjoy a nice salami and those who have no souls.

~ Lois Greiman

A wedding is no way to begin a marriage.

~ Lois Greiman

When men age they're called sophisticated. When women age they ain't called at all.

~ Lois Greiman

If you don't scare the neighbors while copulating, I'm afraid you're doing something terribly wrong.

~ Lois Greiman

Apparently it takes, like, forty-seven muscles to frown. Flippin' the bird' s a hell of a lot easier.

~ Lois Greiman

Women have to be in the mood for sex. Men have to be breathing.

~ Lois Greiman

Love is like skydiving without a parachute.

~ Lois Greiman

Let us talk about oxymoron, common sense, for instance.

~ Lois Greiman

I've been a little cranky since that house fell on my sister.

~ Lois Greiman

A balanced diet and a brisk daily walk will help keep you healthy, but there's nothing like a good-looking young man with a nice butt to help up your cardiovascular system.

~ Lois Greiman

You are a perfect woman, a magical blend of beauty, intelligence, and spirit. Without you, my life is nothing.

~ Lois Greiman

Yeah, world peace would be all right, but what about a day off in a slab of ham the size of my head.

~ Lois Greiman

Life's funny. Sometimes it's your oyster, and sometimes you're it's bitch-slapped man-whore.

~ Lois Greiman