Humor Quotes

Eisenhower and Patton, old friends and figures crucial to the Allies' upcoming success, conferred over yet another gaffe on Patton's part that could have cost him his command. Patton's head is on Ike's shoulder in gratitude, but the scene is rescued from being completely maudlin by Eisenhower's internal question as to whether Patton wears his ever-present helmet to bed.

~ Jean Edward Smith

Don’t make me climb across this desk and slap you, because I will.

~ H.m. Ward

Just for the record the weather today is slightly sarcastic, with a good chance of A. indifference and B. disinterest in what the critics say.

~ Panic At The Disco

I'm pretty sure those're my balls you've found,” I said to the man searching my pants. “You gonna count 'em out now? Because I'll save you the trouble. There's two.

~ Nenia Campbell

Who the hell is that?!Some call her Satan. Others, Beelzebub. She goes by many names.

~ Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Were you born stupid, Heinrich, or did you have to study?

~ Robert A. Heinlein

We both want you dead. I'm bringing the friendship bracelets to the next meeting.

~ Nenia Campbell

You must be a blast on long car rides.”“Oh, I am. You haven't experienced fun until you try to fuck in the front seat of a Civic.

~ Nenia Campbell

Is this the baby? I said.Ma turned on me again.What do you think it is? she said. A midget that can't talk?

~ George Saunders

Right. That's twenty-two fifty.Twenty-two fifty? We can't hide our exasperation.Well, yeah - this is a classy joint, you know.That's obvious - the service is incredible.

~ Markus Zusak

If by ‘foe’ you mean a brutal killer, then I suppose I’d fall into the ‘friend’ category,” I replied cynically. “Although in your case, we may have to find a secret option number three.

~ M.a. George

There were so many viciously sarcastic ways to respond, Jaden’s brain was temporarily paralyzed due to witty comeback overload.

~ Courtney Kirchoff

I've given her signs! I've given her plenty of signs. What does she want me to do? Slap him across the face with my glove, and challenge him to pistols at dawn?

~ Molly Ringle

High School. Society’s bright idea to put all their aggressive, naive youth into one environment to torment and emotionally scar each other for life.

~ Chris Colfer

You are a sick, sick man,” I told him.“Thank you,” Ben replied, looking modest.

~ Patricia Briggs

You know, sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.''And yet it is still extremely funny.

~ Cecelia Ahern

You were a well-respected agent, Michael, a rags-to-riches fairytale ending. Until you became disgraced. Now it appears your own organization wishes to be rid of you. Why is this?”“My gun turned back into a pumpkin.

~ Nenia Campbell

You might as well laugh at yourself,everyone else is.

~ B.j. Neblett

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.' Yeah, well, whoever wrote that was a friggin' idiot.

~ Marley Gibson

Do…you…have…a…hard…time…finding…Steve’s dick?” she enunciated, enjoying Mary’s extreme discomfort. “He’s big as a fuckin’ house so I imagine it might be a bit of a problem.” The New Jersey accent that was still there after more than fifteen years in the south, resurfaced in her aggravation.

~ A.t. Hicks

Kishan stretched out his hand and touched and earring lightly. His rakish pirate about-to-make-off-with-your-woman-and-what-do-you-think-you're-gonna-do-about-it look melted away to a soft smile that turned up the corner of his mouth.

~ Colleen Houck

What is your collective GPA for this year?”“Not as high as I'd like it to be.”Freud steepled his fingers in front of his mouth. “What about your parents?”“I don't know. They haven't been in school for a while.

~ Nenia Campbell

Life's a party. So smile and eat shit and pretend it's fucking caviar.

~ Nenia Campbell

She never saw the point of making fun of strangers – how could you possibly know enough about them to hit below the belt?

~ Daniel Marks

I don't know what it is about magic happens-stickers on cars but every time I see one I wanna get out my permanent marker and sneak over and write underneath it so does cot death.

~ Tim Minchin

So what were your favorite subjects in school?School? He leaned back in his chair as though he needed the extra space to think about it. Probably math. It always made sense. Unlike English, economics, and girls.And exactly how do you plan on taking over the free world if you don't understand economics?I'll hire advisers. I'll hire you, in fact.Okay. Let me know when your army of junior high zombies is ready.

~ Janette Rallison

You are quite possibly the least smooth guy I know,” she mumbled. “You can’t even put your arm around me without tripping up.

~ Lish Mcbride

come humans, fulfill your evolutionary purpose adn build your hound a fire. Oberon

~ Kevin Hearne

Oh, for the love of God. There is no agent more agent than you. I swear you have pin-striped ties encrypted into your DNA. When you die, the coffin is going to read Property of the FBI.

~ Lisa Gardner

You don’t like my restaurant, Miss Connor?” “I couldn’t say since the waiting list to get in is six months long.” One side of his mouth curved up. “This is true.” His finger lingered, and I tried to swallow the nervous lump in my throat. “I think you can call me by my first name now, seeing as how you’re touching my boob. That puts us a little past formality, don’t you think?

~ Jenny Lyn

The bourbon goes into the recipe, Miss Connor, not into you,” he’d said from directly behind me. He had a way of doing that, catching me in the act. I suppose the number of times I screwed up made me an easy mark. My spine straightened at the scolding, but my mouth did what it knew best. “Well, that’s just a waste of perfectly good bourbon if you ask me.

~ Jenny Lyn

Come on, there's no one there. You want coffee? Tess asked.Yeah, sure, why not? I'm only on the brink of a nervous breakdown. I don't imagine why caffeine wouldn't help this situation.

~ Frankie Rose

Judging from the unfamiliar number, I assumed the text came from Shannon. If not, I would see who came by my house at 4:30 and go with it. Maybe it would be Mr. Darcy coming to pick me up in an extravagant horse-drawn carriage, but I couldn’t picture Mr. Darcy using a cell phone.

~ Michelle Madow

But money spent while manic doesn't fit into the Internal Revenue Service concept of medical expense or business loss. So after mania, when most depressed, you're given excellent reason to be even more so.

~ Kay Redfield Jamison

I had officially joined the cacophony of sick mother fuckers.

~ Betsy Lerner

Really, the only people you should be comparing yourself to would be people who make you feel better by comparison. For instance, people who are in comas, because those people have no spoons at all and you don't see anyone judging them. Personally, I always compare myself to Galileo because everyone knows he's fantastic, but he has no spoons at all because he's dead. So technically I'm better than Galileo because all I've done is take a shower and already I've accomplished more than him today.

~ Jenny Lawson

I’m afraid to see a psychiatrist about the voices in my head. She might know who they are.

~ Stanley Victor Paskavich

The voices in my head that tell the other voices what to do are mean.

~ Stanley Victor Paskavich

And then I realized that my sister was trying to LIVE a romance novel. Man, that takes courage and imagination. Well, it also took some degree of mental illness, too, but I was suddenly happy for her. And a little scared. Well, a lot scared.

~ Sherman Alexie

After I returned to New Jersey, I thought I was safe, because I did not think Kenny G could leave the bad place, which I realize is silly now - because Kenny G is extremely talented and resourceful and a powerful force to be reckoned with.

~ Matthew Quick