Humor Quotes

Some people would say it's a bad idea to bring a fire-spider into a public library. Those people would probably be right, but it was better than leaving him alone in the house for nine hours straight. The one time I tried, Smudge had expressed his displeasure by burning through the screen that covered his tank, burrowing into my laundry basket, and setting two weeks' worth of clothes ablaze.

~ Jim C. Hines

Wisdom comes in the silence of one's chaos

~ Dora Okeyo

The demon at length fell to singing a gentle, flickering little song. It was not in any language Sophie knew - or she thought not, until she distinctly heard the word saucepan in it several times...

~ Diana Wynne Jones

This book is written with an open mind and it should be read with the same

~ Adrian Sandvaer

I get glimpses of the horror of normalcy. Each of these innocents on the street is engulfed by a terror of their own ordinariness. They would do anything to be unique.

~ Katherine Dunn

Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.

~ Janeane Garofalo

His thoughts inhabit a different plane from those of ordinary men, the simplest interpretation of that is to call him crazy.

~ Juliet Marillier

You can't shame a shameless man, you can only remind him of the awesome shit he's done.

~ Captain Perverto

Cheshire Puss,' she began, rather timidly, as she did not at all know whether it would like the name: however, it only grinned a little wider. 'Come, it's pleased so far,' thought Alice, and she went on. 'Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?''That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,' said the Cat.'I don't much care where—' said Alice.'Then it doesn't matter which way you go,' said the Cat.'—so long as I get SOMEWHERE,' Alice added as an explanation.'Oh, you're sure to do that,' said the Cat, 'if you only walk long enough.

~ Lewis Carroll

Cats gravitate to kitchens like rocks gravitate to gravity.

~ Terry Pratchett

My name is Skippito Friskito. (clap-clap)I fear not a single bandito. (clap-clap)My manners are mellow,I'm sweet like the Jell-o,I get the job done, yes indeed-o. (clap-clap)

~ Judy Schachner

After the group vet appointment--during which Lyle scratched the vet, the vet tech, and some poor woman minding her own business in the waiting room--we went back to Sabrina's and re-released the cats to their natural habitat.

~ Sarah Dessen

I am not a cat man, but a dog man, and all felines can tell this at a glance - a sharp, vindictive glance.

~ James Thurber

Loud ringing noises, I've discovered, upset Mr.Peepers.

~ Meg Cabot

Look, we need to make time, but we also need to be somewhat quiet. She faced him. I am being quiet!Pathik held a finger up to his lips. Seriously. Quite. You don't really want to attract a lot of attention out here if you can help it.Rachel didn't like the sound of that. Are there sheep-cats?

~ Teri Hall

I situate myself, and seat myself,And where you recline I shall recline,For every armchair belonging to you as good as belongs to me.I loaf and curl up my tailI yawn and loaf at my ease after rolling in the catnip p

~ Henry N. Beard

And indeed there will be timeTo wonder, 'Do I shed?' and, 'Do I shed?'Time to turn back and stretch out on the bed,And give myself a bath before I'm fed --(They will say: 'It's the short-haired ones I prefer.')My flea collar buckled neatly in my fur,My expression cool and distant but softened by a gentle purr --(They will say: 'I'm allergic to his fur!')Do I dareJump up on the table?In an instant there is timeFor excursions and inversions that will make me seem unst

~ Henry N. Beard

The urge to change my mind and not go at all is enormous. I’m absolutely terrified to leave on that boat. But, if I don’t go, there’ll be one more broken person in this world who gave up a dream to sit in a chair, pick up the TV remote and shrink.

~ Lexis De Rothschild

Behold the day-break!I awaken you by sitting on your chest and purring in your face,I stir you with muscular paw-prods, I rouse you with toe-

~ Henry N. Beard

Ah, fish, there is no fareQuite like a flounder! They surely will not missA piece or two from stacks of sole like this;I'll steal a few, but leave the lion's share.Look! the lamplight on the lane is prettyThey're back from walking out on Dover Beach.I think I'll hide and spare myselpf the speech,For we are in a world untouched by pityWhere ignorant humans curse the k

~ Henry N. Beard

You can never know where I am or what I am,But I am good company to you nonetheless,And really do regret I broke your ink

~ Henry N. Beard

If you can try to nap where someone's sitting,Although there is another empty chair,Then rub against his ankle without quittingUntil he rises from your favorite lair;If you can whine and whimper by a portalUntil the bolted door is opened wide,Then howl as if you've got a wound that's mortalUntil he comes and lets you back inside;If you can give a guest a nasty spiking,But purr when you are petted by a thief;If you can find the food not to your likingBecause they put some cheese in with the beef;If you can leave no proffered hand unbitten,And pay no heed to any rule or ban,then all will say you are a Cat, my kitten.And -- which is more -- you'll make a fool of Man!

~ Henry N. Beard

The noisy jay swoops by and reviles me, he complains of my meow and my malingering.I too am not a bit subdued, I too am uncontrollable,I sound my splenetic yowl over the roof of the h

~ Henry N. Beard

The gym cat appears to those who will die. He is our totem. This thought came to me a few weeks ago. I shared it with no one of course.

~ Joyce Carol Oates

Cats, Dog considered, were clearly a lot tougher than lost souls.

~ Terry Pratchett

She drowned all of the catnip mice in Nike's water bowl and I had to take them away after he began drinking the resulting 'nip tea, wearing overalls, and changing all the songs in my favorites playlist to the Grateful Dead.

~ Amy Petrie Shaw

You know that feeling you get, when the sky has turned green, air raid sirens are blowing, the theme to the Wizard of Oz wafts softly through the air, your neighbor has just blown by backwards on her bicycle, and an ominous funnel cloud is hovering on the horizon?Yeah, that feeling. the one that says that says A picnic! That's what I need to do right about now! What could possible go wrong?

~ Amy Petrie Shaw

Little known fact- a cat which has just bitten itself in the ass can achieve impressive speed at it dashes madly straight up a curtain.

~ Amy Petrie Shaw

No threatening the cat! Mr. Snuggly said.

~ Charlaine Harris

There are always cats around Charlie's, but they are usually refugees seeking asylum from the local rat population, and rather desperately friendly.

~ Robin Mckinley

I fall short of her standards. She made me buy cat food that hasn't been tested on animals. My cats took one bite of it, spit it out, and yelled, Did no one test this?

~ Paula Poundstone

When you're fighting a crowd, it's good to shout potentially threatening things like Crossbows! or Fire! or Giant Flying Cat! every once in a while.

~ Sebastien De Castell

Take it from catsIf someone moves to make room for you, take up more room. If someone is looking over there, there’s something to see. If somebody sneezes, run. If someone brings a bag into your home, look inside it. If you don’t want someone to leave, sit on his suitcase. Clean between your toes. Flaunt your full figure. Hide loose change. Even though you can take care of yourself, it’s okay to let someone be nice to you. It’s fine to take a nap on the laundry. If you stand in a kitchen long enough, someone will feed you. If you’re alone in bed, use all the pillows. Just because it’s gorgeous outside doesn’t mean you have to go outside. Just because you can fit into something tight doesn’t mean that you belong in it. If you trust someone, open yourself like a cheap umbrella. If you want to be left alone, park yourself in a closet. If you want to surprise someone, lie in a bathtub and then jerk back the curtain when he sits on the toilet. If you’re not interested, don’t look interested. You don’t have to chase every bird that you see.

~ Helen Ellis

You also yell at the pigeons outside, watch too many cooking shows, and have a blog entirely dedicated to pictures of yourself.

~ Marie Jacquelyn

There was a sort of gallery structure in the roof space which held a bed and also a bathroom which you could actually swing a cat in. But only if it was a reasonably patient cat and didn’t mind a few nasty cracks about the head.

~ Douglas Adams

I'm a cat. You know cat's don't like to go outside. They actually drop their smell all over a place, and that becomes their place. So when you live with a cat, you actually live at the cat's house.

~ Carla Bruni-Sarkozy

Er, excuse me,' said the man as Nanny Ogg turned away, 'but what is that on your shoulders?''It's. . . a fur collar,' said Nanny.'Excuse me, but I just saw it flick its tail.''Yes. I happen to believe in beauty without cruelty.

~ Terry Pratchett

Cat herding is simple. Just drag a string behind you.

~ Aaron Dennis

We lost track of which was which, but we were fairly sure that some of the creatures had been borne away still in the darkness of paganism, and that worried us a good deal.

~ Marilynne Robinson

Rowl felt sure that Bridget's fragile feelings would be crushed if he denied her the pleasure of sharing her meat with him.

~ Jim Butcher