Humorous Quotes Quotes

A writing day is like any other day. Except I live in my pajamas, I forget to eat, and I suddenly look up, wondering when day turned into night.

~ Christy Hall

I hope I know my own unworthiness, and that I hate and despise myself and all my fellow-creatures as every practicable Christian should.

~ Charles Dickens

The other shoppers were too well behaved to stare at the green-headed stoner and the tear-streaked lady zigzagging up the aisles with a chubby bearded guy scurrying behind them picking up the things they dropped.

~ Amy Goldman Koss

Forgive my asking you to use your mind. It is a thing which no novelist should expect of his reader...

~ Owen Wister

- You gave me a dead frog for my birthday!- To remind you we all die and end up rotting underground eaten by maggots so we should enjoy our birthdays while we have them. I found it thoughtful.

~ Soman Chainani

I just want you to know,' said the girl, coldly, 'that whoever you are and whatever you intend with me, I shall give you no aid of any kind, nor shall I assist you, and I shall do whatever is in my power to frustrate your plans and devices.' And then she added, with feeling, 'Idiot.

~ Neil Gaiman

A rainy day is like a lovely gift -- you can sleep late and not feel guilty.

~ Elizabeth Jane Howard

Holy paranormal activity, Nightingale - to the Jag mobile.

~ Ben Aaronovitch

I haven't devoured a soul in...What month is this? March?

~ Rick Riordan

To God I speak Spanish, to women Italian, to men French, and to my horse - German.

~ Emperor Charles V

A massage is just like a movie, really relaxing and a total escape, except in a massage you're the star. And you don't miss anything by falling asleep!

~ Elizabeth Jane Howard

I'm not lazy. I'm just really gifted, only instead of being good at music or math I'm good at sleeping late.

~ Elizabeth Jane Howard

Mad Rogan: Resistance is futile.Nevada: You are not assimilating me!

~ Ilona Andrews

We're all secretly idiots inside.

~ #Name?

Assisted him? Dylan made the repairs. I only fell and hit my head, from what I can recall. Yes, I make excellent deadweight.

~ Scott Westerfeld

That's all you need? Easy. I love you.Okay? Want it louder?I love you. Spell it out schould I l-o-v-e y-o-u. Want it backwards You love I.

~ William Goldman

Have you ever heard of a condom? Don't Carpathians have condoms? Because I'm thinking that if you're all that worried, a condom might be just the thing. His smile was slow in coming. I had not thought of that. As a rule Carpathians do not need such things.

~ Christine Feehan

It's all right, darling. I'll finish the financial report on my own. I can think clearly before sex and stay awake afterwards. That's one of the nice things about being a woman.

~ Barbara Taylor Bradford

Are you aware that Jesus Christ can spell? I get so tired of you spelling every slang and cuss word that crosses your mind, as though you are pulling one over on the Lord.

~ Brenda Sutton Rose

despair all ye mortals,” he said in a voice of doom. “the mama approacheth

~ Lexi George

The local natives were particularly curious to know why the English required such huge quantities of pepper and there was much scratching of heads until it was finally agreed that English houses were so cold that the walls were plastered with crushed pepper in order to produce heat.

~ Giles Milton

All real estate agents should be put on a decommissioned naval frigate which is then towed out into the deepest part of the Atlantic and sunk. It's rather unfortunate that, in recent years, real estate agents have become comedy betes-noires. Rather like lawyers or used car salesmen. Every time they mention their job they probably get people amusingly making the sign of the cross at them or are subjected to some good-natured, humorous ribbing. This has the effect of distorting what I'm trying to say here, which isn't in the nature of a smiling roll of the eyes and a Tsk, real estate agents, eh? but rather All real estate agents should be put on a decommissioned naval frigate which is then towed out into the deepest part of the Atlantic and sunk.

~ Mil Millington

F***ing triffids.

~ Scott B. Pruden

My embarrassment was complete. If I just had passed out, that would have been bad enough. But to make matters worse, Will had carried me outside, where everyone else was; everyone in my youth group had seen Will carrying me. I felt like melting into the bench on which I sat.

~ Annie Riley

Holidays were invented so single women could overeat without feeling guilty.

~ Elizabeth Jane Howard

Pop music is like an auditory cup of coffee. It has no nutritional value but it gets you going.

~ Jim Moorman

Mister if you want more to join,’ She said half-choked ‘you’ll have to put in the coin.

~ Angelo Tsanatelis

Giving the rugged repairman the eye was one thing -- but Charity had no intention of snogging away a whole rainy afternoon when she was supposed to be catching up on her work. Lady Margaret was counting on her! But then again, Lady Margaret didn't have big brown eyes and a cheeky grin.

~ Elizabeth Jane Howard

Christian swiped the keys from my hand. Maybe the fates want us to take the car home. Why do I have a feeling I'm going to regret this?I smirked. Is that what Viktor said before he hired you?That's what your husband is going to say before reciting his vows.That's what every woman says before they have sex with you.Christian swaggered toward the door, swinging the keys around his finger. That's what I'm going to say before you serve our dinner tonight.

~ Dannika Dark

Charity turned over and hugged the pillow, a quote from Newton making her smile. Sleeping late was really more scientific than working out. After all, a body at rest tends to remain at rest.

~ Carol Storm

I am a negative person by nature, and I typically shy away from anything that requires me to be having visible fun.

~ Samantha Irby

From my bedroom window, I hadn’t noticed his earring and the Motörhead tattoo on his forearm. He looked like the kind of guy who, if a bomb went off in his watering can, would raise one eyebrow and say, ‘Well, that was close.

~ Angie Langley

to be in charge. To be the wise owl. The comforter. I felt I’d moved beyond that. Gained my own wisdom. Found comfort in my own company. In just being me. The long healing process was at an end, hastened by these few days of sunshine and blissful solitude.

~ Angie Langley

If being ugly was a crime, they'd be hunting that woman down with helicopters and bloodhounds.

~ Judith Mcnaught

Having plans sounds like a good idea - until you have to put on clothes and leave your house.

~ Jill Shalvis

Victory! Catherine wanted to pull the front of her top over her head and run around the office making V-signs. Of course she wouldn’t do that

~ Michele Gorman

I'm apparently in love with a thirteen-year-old who makes lewd sex jokes in public, shamelessly plays footsy with me under the table the whole time I'm trying to enjoy my shrimp scampi, and is insatiably horny at all hours of the day.

~ Daryl Banner

I remember watching him perform these endless, boring violin solos, with his long hair flowing behind him like an Afghan hound in a gale, and thinking, 'what a tosser.

~ Chris Difford

I gave up drinking coffee for you. I swapped pizza for produce, and this is what I get in return?

~ Barbara Valentin

On the toilet no one is a star. Remember that and you will go far in life.

~ Ruby Wax