Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep.
~ Fran Lebowitz
In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
Think before you speak. Read before you think.
There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness and death.
If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.
The best fame is a writer's fame. It's enough to get a table at a good restaurant, but not enough to get you interrupted when you eat.
Magazines all too frequently lead to books and should be regarded by the prudent as the heavy petting of literature.
All the time I'm not writing I feel like a criminal. It's horrible to feel felonious every second of the day. It's much more relaxing to actually write.
There's no equivalent to Mozart in writing.
I prefer dead writers because you don't run into them at parties.
Now, nature, as I am only too aware, has her enthusiasts, but on the whole, I am not to be counted among them. To put it bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.
There is one thing that has disappeared, not just from the U.S. but from the entire world, is the idea of ever being embarrassed by anything.
Chocolate is an excellent flavor for ice cream but both unreasonable and disconcerting in chewing gum.
If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies.
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
My favorite animal is steak.
People have been cooking and eating for thousands of years, so if you are the very first to have thought of adding lime juice to scalloped potatoes try to understand there must be a reason for this.
I love sleep because it is both pleasant and safe to use. Pleasant because one is in the best possible company and safe because sleep is the consummate protection against the unseemliness that is the invariable consequence of being awake. What you don't know won't hurt you. Sleep is death without the responsibility.
Humility is no substitute for a good personality.
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he is buying.
London: A place you go to get bronchitis.
The opposite of talking is not listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.
I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.
Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step - it is an old business procedure.
You can't go around hoping that most people have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do.
Polite conversation is rarely either.
Andy Warhol made fame more famous.
Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior.
If you're going to America, bring your own food.
You're only as good as your last haircut.
If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.
I must take issue with the term 'a mere child', for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.
Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.
Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass.
Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.
Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.
Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.
My desire to curtail undue freedom of speech extends only to such public areas as restaurants, airports, streets, hotel lobbies, parks, and department stores. Verbal exchanges between consenting adults in private are as of little interest to me as they probably are to them.
