It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.
~ Fred Allen
Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission.
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars.
I have just returned from Boston it is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.
I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.
(A gentleman) is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.
She used to be a schoolteacher but she has no class now.
My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get except the blinding headaches.
The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a friend who owns a beret.
An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.
The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.
I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.
Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.
My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
