Lois Greiman Quotes

Dating is like nightfall--there's got to be a mourning after.

~ Lois Greiman

Don't worry. It's scientifically unlikely that the universe will explode into a million particles at any given moment.

~ Lois Greiman

Dating--the socially accepted alternative to the rack.

~ Lois Greiman

In my opinion, kissing a lady's hand is a fine tradition. After all, a man must start somewhere.

~ Lois Greiman

Some people say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. In actuality, you have to make an incision through his skin, both dermis and epidermis, then carefully sever and separate the sternum. Only upon viewing the exposed thoracic cavity can you reach the heart--if indeed the male of the species actually possesses such an organ.

~ Lois Greiman

I don't need no PMS. I can bitch under my own steam.

~ Lois Greiman

Maybe money can't buy happiness, but it can get you a nice little villa in Tuscany, and that's close enough for me.

~ Lois Greiman

Solberg, nature's greatest argument against cloning.

~ Lois Greiman

He's an undersized pissant with delusions of adequacy.

~ Lois Greiman

Jealousy. It's a terrible thing. Unless it's someone else's.

~ Lois Greiman

It'd hardly be worth having a brother at all, if you couldn't smack him in the head every once in a while.

~ Lois Greiman

It's not who you know, it's who you sleep with.

~ Lois Greiman

Some men are warriors and some men are weenies. The trick is figuring out which is which.

~ Lois Greiman

Today's problems are yesterday's mistakes coming back to bite you in the ass.

~ Lois Greiman

Maybe life does suck, Pork Chop, but it beats the hell out of the alternative.

~ Lois Greiman

Just when you think you have life by the tail, it's likely to whip around and take a hunk outta your balls.

~ Lois Greiman

There is no greater hell than realizing you're in love with the guy you hate.

~ Lois Greiman

You lose a couple of pounds and get a guy good and drunk, you could have a hell of a good time even if you are not smart.

~ Lois Greiman

Generally, men are superior in the areas of heavy lifting, where there's a past only by pachyderms and building cranes. Beyond that, I believe any right-thinking thinking will see that women have the indisputable advantage.

~ Lois Greiman

The theory of relativity doesn't amount to a hill of beans when there's a bonfire in your shorts.

~ Lois Greiman

Fair play is all well and good. But knowing how to kick 'em in the balls can get you out of a jam 9 times out of 10.

~ Lois Greiman

Just remember this, Missy, escargot ain't nothin' but snails with their noses stuck in the air.

~ Lois Greiman

Beauty is only skin deep, but who gives a shit what's under their skin anyway?

~ Lois Greiman

Chocolate may be cheaper than a psychiatrist, but the latter doesn't generally adhere to your ass for the rest of your natural life.

~ Lois Greiman

If I want to catch the damn worm I get outta bed.

~ Lois Greiman

Some people are street-smart, some people are book-smart, but most people are just dumber than dirt.

~ Lois Greiman

He's just a flash in the pants.

~ Lois Greiman

Luck is merely a product of the happily delusional mind.

~ Lois Greiman

Life is what you make it. Unless some guy finds you with his girl. Then the ball's pretty much in his court.

~ Lois Greiman

You're just so lucky blood's so hard to get out of the carpet.

~ Lois Greiman

You're gonna sit down. You're gonna shut up. And by the grace of God Almighty, I ain't gonna kill you.

~ Lois Greiman

If it looks like a cat, walks like a cat, and has whiskers like a cat, it's probably a damn cat. But if it eats your groceries, messes up your kitchen, and makes you want to rip out your hair by the roots, you either married it or gave birth to it

~ Lois Greiman

Every morning I read the obituaries. If it ain't there I make myself a cup of tea and carry on like I have the past century or so.

~ Lois Greiman

When in doubt, shoot 1st and ask questions later, but avoid the head, because they'rea lot more likely to answer if they're not dead.

~ Lois Greiman

Honesty is the best policy. But insanity is a hell of a lot more effective in court. So your set, McMullen

~ Lois Greiman

Breaking up is hard to do. But, bustin him in the head ain't that easy, either.

~ Lois Greiman

They say love makes the world go around… I been dizzy for a long time.

~ Lois Greiman

Sex is all right, but a hot fudge sundae don't never ask if the baby's really his.

~ Lois Greiman

I fear that someday you will abandon the joys we share and find another not worthy of your charms.

~ Lois Greiman