Funny Quotes

Why does everyone think the future is space helmets, silver foil, and talking like computers, like a bad episode of Star Trek?

~ Tracey Ullman

Most visions of extraterrestrial life are actually steeped in human hubris. The fictional extraterrestrials of 'Star Trek' or a hundred other space operas are less alien than many of my neighbors. And funny, the ones running the place are mostly WASPish men.

~ Nathan Myhrvold

I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.

~ Billy Connolly

I'm 27. I feel like I get it. I'm OK with being sexy if I feel like it. Some days I'm brainy, some days I'm funny, some days I'm sexy, and sometimes, I just want to dance.

~ Nelly Furtado

I think 'Elf' is funny, with Will Ferrell. That's a great Christmas movie.

~ Robert Osborne

Our family's special holiday tradition is going over to my grandparent's house on Christmas morning. My grandma cooks a big breakfast, and I love hearing her tell old funny stories.

~ Caroline Sunshine

It's funny, I was talking to somebody who writes for a cop show, and he was saying how they aren't allowed to acknowledge Christmas, Thanksgiving, Valentine's Day, just because it has to be able to play forever.

~ Hannah Simone

Don't send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals, when their cheery effect is needed.

~ P. J. O'rourke

It's funny how we 'do' Christmas. Christmas is not something that we do, it is something that was done. It celebrates the long awaited arrival of the Messiah, Jesus Christ. We had nothing to do with it, but what we can do is praise God for the coming of the Lord, who washed away the sins of the world by dying on the cross.

~ Monica Johnson

My mom and dad always tried to make Christmas special for us. We were poor, but it's funny because we had no idea.

~ Johnny Mathis

We try to make the name longer and longer every year. First, it was 'Larry the Cable Guy's Christmas Spectacular.' Then it was 'It's a Very Larry Christmas.' Now it's 'Larry the Cable Guy's Hula-palooza Christmas Luau.' I'll tell you what it is: It's funny. That's what it is. Who cares what the name of it is? It is a funny special.

~ Larry The Cable Guy

'A Tuna Christmas' is the second in a series of plays created by Joe Sears and Jaston Williams featuring the fictional town of Greater Tuna, the third-smallest town in Texas. What makes these plays so hysterically funny is the accurate portrayal of small-town life in the Lone Star State.

~ Lori Wilde

All you can do is really the prep work and make sure you're ready to hit each golf shot. Outside of that, you're not sure really what's going to happen. It's a funny game, but I think that's why I love it. You never know, one day to the next; you could go shoot 62, and the next day you're going to shoot 78, and you can't predict it.

~ Rickie Fowler

I know my strong points: I work hard, I have talent, I'm funny, and I'm a good person.

~ Pink

So to me, Texas Hold 'em puts me to sleep. At least when you play stud, you can be funny as you deal. Somebody some day is going to come up with a Stud show that's going to work.

~ Joseph Bologna

It's funny, when bands or younger musicians ask me: 'So, what does it take to make it?' Well, first explain to me what you mean by 'making it': Do you want to be a rock star or do you want music to be your livelihood?

~ Eddie Van Halen

I liked comedy as a kid. When I was a kid, I'd go to sleep to, like, Bill Cosby albums every night. I'd listen to 'Bill Cosby Is A Very Funny Fellow... Right!' and 'Wonderfulness,' which are two of his most famous albums. Then the next night, I'd flip them over, 'cause it was the old stackable turntable.

~ Stephen Colbert

Henry Miller is a famous writer whose work has fallen out of fashion, but I strongly recommend that readers who don't know his work pick up a book and experience this writer's zealous, crazy, inventive, funny, sexy, often delirious prose.

~ Siri Hustvedt

One thing about D.C. that's funny to me is that you end up running into famous political figures who you've seen on television who you think are not real until you see them.

~ Maz Jobrani

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'

~ Isaac Asimov

It's funny: I always, as a high school teacher and particularly as a high school yearbook teacher, because yearbook staffs are 90 percent female, I got to sit in and overhear teenage girl talk for many years. I like teenage girls; I like their drama, their foibles. And I think, 'I'll be good with a teenage daughter!'

~ Rob Thomas

I wanted to write at school - to write funny stories which the teacher might ask me to read out to the class. It's all basically about showing off.

~ Mark Billingham

I had gone to New York with no plan at all. I did a lot of jobs - barman, teacher, security guard, postman and construction worker - and I was meeting many eccentric characters, and they were saying funny things, which I always wrote down.

~ Adrian Mckinty

I remember my fourth grade teacher reading 'Charlotte's Web' and 'Stuart Little' to us - both, of course, by E. B. White. His stories were genuinely funny, thought provoking and full of irony and charm. He didn't condescend to his readers, which was why I liked his books, and why I wasn't a big reader of other children's' books.

~ Louis Sachar

You can't really be strong until you see a funny side to things.

~ Ken Kesey

But I really like hosting, I think it's a strength of mine. It allows me to improvise, and I love the spontaneity of that, and I think I'm funny behind the desk when interviewing someone.

~ Garry Shandling

It's funny with jeans now, because if they don't feel like a pair of sweatpants, I don't have patience for them anymore! I think I'm becoming increasingly lazy.

~ Claire Danes

Movies require a lot of patience. I like instant results. If I have done something that's not funny at all, the audience will let me know in two seconds. With the movie, I will have to wait nine months to know if I was that bad.

~ Vir Das

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

~ Mark Twain

It's funny how most people love the dead, once you're dead, you're made for life.

~ Jimi Hendrix

Old white guys can be a funny bunch, can't they? The same anti-same-sex marriage, anti-affirmative action cadre can flower into the biggest supporters of 'equality' the minute they get a whiff of minority empowerment.

~ John Ridley

I love being in a public space where teenagers are talking. And the funny thing is that it hasn't changed that much. There's certainly slang that I'm not familiar with, but among the average teen, it's still the same.

~ Marti Noxon

I was, like, this token teen angst child of Broadway. It's so funny. What is that? I don't even know. But I loved it.

~ Jennifer Damiano

It's funny how the music industry is enraged about the Internet and the way things are copied without being paid for. But you know why people steal the music? Because they can't afford the music.

~ Tom Petty

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.

~ Luis Buñuel

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

~ George Burns

No, no, I was only funny on stage, really. I, I, think I was funny as a person toward my classmates when I was very young. You know, when I was a child, up to about the age of 12.

~ Rowan Atkinson

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.

~ Stephen Fry

I'm 42 and the age of a guy who has kids, so I guess I'm playing right where I'm supposed to be. I'm comfortable with that, but in the same breath I'd do something edgy. If someone came to me and offered me an edgy and funny story, then I'd do it.

~ Eddie Murphy

I was just a ham since about the age of five. If I was performing at Medieval Times or something, I'd be the court jester. That was always my defense mechanism. I was never all that funny; I was just obnoxious and loud.

~ Emma Stone