George Burns Quotes

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

~ George Burns

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

~ George Burns

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

~ George Burns

Money is the root of all evil.' Then we hear, 'A fool and his money are soon parted.' What are they talking about? If money is so evil, shouldn't it be, 'A wise man and his money are soon parted'? And another thing, how does a fool get money in the first place? I know some fools who have a lot of money, but they won't tell me how they got it, and I won't tell them.

~ George Burns

I'd rather be a failure in something that I love than a success in something that I hate.

~ George Burns

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

~ George Burns

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

~ George Burns

There isn't a thing I can't do now that I didn't do when I was twenty-one...which gives you an idea of how pathetic I was when I was twenty-one. (That's a lie, but I might as well tell you something right here at the beginning of the book. Anytime I can get a laugh I'm not going to let the truth interfere with it.)

~ George Burns

With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.

~ George Burns

I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be I always forget to include myself.

~ George Burns

I stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

~ George Burns

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

~ George Burns

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

~ George Burns

Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

~ George Burns

I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.

~ George Burns

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.

~ George Burns

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

~ George Burns

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

~ George Burns

At my age flowers scare me.

~ George Burns

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

~ George Burns

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.

~ George Burns

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

~ George Burns

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

~ George Burns

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.

~ George Burns

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

~ George Burns

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

~ George Burns

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

~ George Burns

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.

~ George Burns