Funny Quotes

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'

~ Claude Pepper

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

~ Bill Vaughan

Here is my prescription to heal all wounds. Watch the film 'Funny Girl' at least five times, eat at least 45 chocolate bars, and hang out with all those friends you blew off to hang out with your ex. I truly believe that, through a combination of Nutella, old pals and Barbra Streisand, we can achieve happiness and, very probably, world peace.

~ Beth Ditto

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

~ Henny Youngman

It's much better to wreak havoc on a show and be a maniac than promote myself. Plugs and anecdotes aren't really in line with my beliefs. Besides, if someone sees me on a morning show and thinks, 'That's not funny; this guy is crazy,' then I don't want them to come to the show anyway.

~ T. J. Miller

Morning Joe was boring. Scarborough is neither eloquent nor funny.

~ Alec Baldwin

I'm going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli.

~ Michael J. Fox

When you're doing a medieval show like 'Pillars,' it starts off a bit like a school play. You're all in funny costumes; you've had your coffee, and you say, 'Good morning'. Then you go on set and, if you've got good actors and directors, it takes on a life of its own.

~ Ian Mcshane

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

~ Buddy Hackett

I think I'm funny because my family, my siblings were funny.

~ Martin Short

Ritesh Deshmukh is rock star. He has a lovely family. He works so hard, and he's a great actor. He's funny, friendly, doesn't have an ego, and is so nice to everyone. He's a fine professional, a good husband, and a good father. That's a rock star for me.

~ Nargis Fakhri

I can't stress to you enough how much I can relate to teens being cyberbullied. Something that helps me is looking at old videos of me and my friends from middle school, or videos of my family. I love watching funny videos of my favorite people - it really cheers me up.

~ Ariana Grande

Her friends say she is very funny. At a family dinner, she stood to go, and the footman very properly pulled her chair away. At that moment I asked her a question and she sat down again, except there was no chair. Everyone, including the Queen, laughed and laughed.

~ Prince Andrew

I was lucky. My family is wonderful. And it's funny, because most of my best friends come from very large families. So it always felt as if I had lots of siblings, though in the end I had to leave them and go home. I kind of got the best of both worlds as a kid.

~ Sophia Bush

It's not an accident that both my sister and I are writers. Our parents created an accidental Petri dish. My family has great storytellers, and I grew up in a very funny, conversational house and didn't have television. This small family farm was a bubble world that didn't have much to do with reality.

~ Elizabeth Gilbert

I realized my family was funny, because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.

~ Anthony Anderson

You have to be funny about it and honest about it. You can't leave yourself out of that mix. You have to be honest enough to say, I'm that messed-up one in the family.

~ Louie Anderson

Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.

~ Joan Rivers

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

~ Chris Rock

He looked about as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food.

~ Raymond Chandler

The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.

~ Fred Allen

I have a funny relationship with religion. I'm a big believer in ritualistic behavior as long as it doesn't hurt anybody. But I'm not a big fan of rules. And yet, we cannot live in a world without order.

~ Madonna Ciccone

Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.

~ E. B. White

One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute.

~ William Feather

Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.

~ H. G. Wells

When you see things upside down, the ego can be extraordinarily funny; it's absurd. But it's tragic at the same time.

~ Alejandro González Iñárritu

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

~ Robin Williams

I could sooner reconcile all Europe than two women.

~ Louis Xiv

It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.

~ W. Somerset Maugham

You win a race, the next race it's a question mark. Are you still the best or not? That's what is funny. But that's what is interesting. And that's what is challenging. You have to prove yourself every time.

~ Michael Schumacher

I've always believed that there are funny people everywhere, but they're just not comedians. In fact, some of my best comedic inspirations were not professional entertainers.

~ Steve Martin

No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.

~ Abraham Lincoln

You're only as good as your last haircut.

~ Fran Lebowitz

The funny thing is, I'm so used to not caring what anyone says, good or bad, that unfortunately even when people say good things... I wish it made me feel good, but it doesn't.

~ Rob Zombie

I'm so single. It's funny. I'm usually a relationship girl. I love being in love and having a partner in crime. But it's good to be your own partner in crime. God, that makes me sound like I have multiple-personality disorder.

~ Brittany Snow

It's a required part of your film history to know who Woody is. His movies are so wonderful, and not just funny but so insightful about human behavior.

~ Scarlett Johansson

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

~ Mitch Hedberg

'The Amazing Race' has always been the gold standard of reality television to me. It's smart, it's funny, and it's entertaining as hell.

~ Burnie Burns

My heart is so light that it's amazing. I get to play all this grief, all this loss, all this disaster and chaos. It's hysterically funny. I am very light.

~ Linda Hamilton