Funny Quotes

There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.

~ Josh Billings

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

~ Phyllis Diller

I had been asking the universe and God to send me a way for me to help me. Show business has been so wonderful to me, and it came in the form of that. It's just so funny how things come into your life, and if you take a chance on them, it might give you a brand new life.

~ Louie Anderson

It's funny, because in 1970 I met the Beatles quite by a chance at a party. It was the Beethoven bicentenary, and I was then also playing the Beethoven Sonatas. And that's all they wanted to hear about - I wanted to talk about them, and all they wanted to talk about was Beethoven.

~ Daniel Barenboim

I can't go on Gawker. I actually think the writing is really funny, but there is a chance that somebody is undercutting me.

~ Zooey Deschanel

With any of the movies I've had a chance to do, or any of the TV shows I've had a chance to contribute to, people approach me and say, 'Hey, would you like to do this?' I laugh out loud and say, 'Yes, that'd be funny.' Or, I'm very moved by what I read and say, 'Yes. How can I help you?'

~ John Cena

The one thing I think I've noticed about shows that are supposed to be funny on television is that they've sort of become routinized, so there's an awful lot of mannerisms and joke lines that are sort of there to trigger laughter, rather than give actors a chance to play a moment.

~ Alan Alda

I don't get a chance to be funny with the thrillers. I like to be funny, and I think I am really funny. So with 'Middle School: The Worst Years of My Life', it was fun to let loose.

~ James Patterson

There have been times when I felt suicidal and I would stop my head from going in that direction of negativity because I thought there'd be something I'd miss that was funny in the future. If there's a chance I'm going to laugh tomorrow then want to live to experience that.

~ Dave Navarro

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.

~ Will Rogers

Fame is a funny thing. I like doing normal things. I like going to fairs. I like going to ball games. I like going to Disney World or a big field on the Fourth of July and having picnics with friends. The problem is you're either worried you're going to be recognized, or you're thankful you're not. It's always there.

~ Chris Evans

I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.

~ Paula Poundstone

I'm thankful enough or blessed enough to be able to say that Miles Davis was a friend when he was alive, and he was a wonderful mentor and really, really funny, you know.

~ Prince

What's funny is my mom took me to the theater for the first time when I was six years old, and I was just amazed by it. I just said, 'Hey Mom, can I do this too?' And so she signed me up for little theater classes, and I remember my first audition for a play when I was seven years old was for 'The Thankful Elf.'

~ Dana Davis

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

~ Benjamin Franklin

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

~ Henny Youngman

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

~ Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.

~ Mel Brooks

I consider myself very lucky. God has a funny way of bringing some things around and knocking you in the head with the ultimate destination. Something I should have achieved quite easily took me a long time to get around to. It came in His time, not mine.

~ Jim Morris

It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.

~ Thomas Sowell

Animals are sentient, intelligent, perceptive, funny and entertaining. We owe them a duty of care as we do to children.

~ Michael Morpurgo

My favorite type of pet has always been a dog. They're loyal, kind, and offer endless affection. My friend Eric says, 'The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.' Funny thought.

~ Brendon Urie

My little dog, he did not get ill. It is so funny that people get ill on a boat and dogs do not.

~ Anna Held

I'm a fan of the old 'Creature Features' like 'Critters,' and 'Gremlins' and 'Tremors.' 'Jaws' is classic. It's funny that I still like those films because I remember my mom would tease me about getting a pet Critter to keep under my bed.

~ Brooke Nevin

One of my biggest pet peeves is that I just don't like it when characters do things that are funny to the writer, but you don't know why they're doing it and it doesn't make any sense.

~ Glenn Howerton

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

~ Milton Berle

It sounds funny, but my biggest fear is that I'm not perfect. I'm a perfectionist, and I get upset when things go wrong or when I don't do well.

~ Nick Jonas

It was funny that rank-and-file evangelicals were ahead of all the leadership. They saw for decades conservative Republicans had made promises to them on issues that were important to Christians and conservatives when they were running for office. But when they won, they didn't keep those promises.

~ Jerry Falwell

If people want to compete for leadership of a religious group, they can compete in piety. A chilling thought. Or funny.

~ Mary Douglas

If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth.

~ Logan Pearsall Smith

If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.

~ Billy Wilder

I detest jokes - when somebody tells me one, I feel my IQ dropping; the brain cells start to disappear. But something is funny when the person delivering the line doesn't know it's funny or doesn't treat it as a joke. Maybe it comes from a place of truth, or it's a sort of rage against society.

~ Johnny Depp

If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny.

~ Larry David

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

~ Jim Carrey

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

~ Isaac Asimov

I like bowling. I suck at it, but I like it. You know what's so funny? I have days when I'm absolutely great at doing it, and then I have days when I just don't understand it.

~ Lil' Kim

Although I have guitars all around, and I pick them up occasionally and write a tune and make a record, I don't really see myself as a musician. It may seem a funny thing to say. It's just like, I write lyrics, and I make up songs, but I'm not a great lyricist or songwriter or producer. It's when you put all these things together - that makes me.

~ George Harrison

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

~ Robert Orben

I just recently joined Twitter. It's very positive - I love all the accolades. If my ego is hurting, I can just open my Twitter account and see 'Oh, I love you! I love the show!' and it's great. I'm trying to find the balance between trying to be funny, being honest and just being a promoter as the guy on 'Royal Pains.'

~ Mark Feuerstein

Is everything funny? For me, yes. There's a positive to every negative. Even my divorce? For me, yes. If you go back and look at it, why it happened or how it happened, there's something in there that'll make you laugh.

~ Kevin Hart