Humor Quotes

You ready for this? You ready for what I’m gonna do to you?

~ Sherilee Gray

Christ, you have a body made for sin.

~ Sherilee Gray

You been taking care of yourself a long time, Foxy. You must be fucking hungry for it. I bet you’re drenched right now.

~ Sherilee Gray

Foxy, you made me blow a load in my jeans.

~ Sherilee Gray

Now give me some advice about how to take full advantage of this city. I’m always looking to improve my odds.”“Just what I’d expect from a horny actuary.”“I’m serious.”Carlos reflected for a moment on the problem at hand. He actually had never needed or tried to take full advantage of the city in order to meet women, but he thought about all of his friends who regularly did. His face lit up as he thought of some helpful advice: “Get into the arts.”“The arts?”“Yeah.”“But I’m not artistic.”“It doesn’t matter. Many women are into the arts. Theater. Painting. Dance. They love that stuff.”“You want me to get into dance? Earthquakes have better rhythm than me…And can you really picture me in those tights?”“Take an art history class. Learn photography. Get involved in a play or an independent film production. Get artsy, Sammy. I’m telling you, the senoritas dig that stuff.”“Really?”“Yeah. You need to sign up for a bunch of artistic activities. But you can’t let on that it’s all just a pretext to meet women. You have to take a real interest in the subject or they’ll quickly sniff out your game.”“I don’t know…It’s all so foreign to me…I don’t know the first thing about being artistic.”“Heeb, this is the time to expand your horizons. And you’re in the perfect city to do it. New York is all about reinventing yourself. Get out of your comfort zones. Become more of a Renaissance man. That’s much more interesting to women.

~ Zack Love

Since he didn’t seem to understand the situation, I felt it my duty to enlighten him. “Wrong. You started this stupid rumor and half the school probably believes it’s true. Now you have to stick around and pretend to be my boyfriend to convince everyone I don’t have sex with random guys. Not to mention the fact that if you’d kept your mouth shut about getting laid, you wouldn’t be in this situation.”He raised a brow. “So you’re my punishment?

~ Chris Cannon

Maybe I should put an ad online. Honor student seeks overly self-confident young man for fake relationship. Terms negotiable.

~ Chris Cannon

Leaving the feasibility of testicular transplants alone for the moment, she said, “It was mostly my mistake.

~ Teri Anne Stanley

She glared at me. I didn't care. One word was playing a loop in my heaad: mine.

~ Kristen Callihan

Stop,” he murmured, or at least that’s what he meant to say. It came out sounding more like “Yes,” which probably wasn’t the same thing at all.

~ Tawna Fenske

…It was like he waved his magic wang, and I totally forgot how I’m not a gullible teenager anymore.

~ Teri Anne Stanley

If a man can't love you for who you are, he's not worth The Dior Gloss.

~ Leah Marie Brown

Apparently Super Max was pretty content with taking care of half the town, such was his wonderfulness.

~ Kristen Ashley

We worked side by side building our sandwiches. Mine, just a few modest layers of meat and cheese, with a bit of lettuce for some added crunchiness; his, a Dagwood, piled high with turkey, ham, salami, lettuce, tomatoes, two kinds of cheese, and—were those jalapenos—with a teetering slice of bread carefully placed on top—there’s no way that’s going to fit into his mouth—he admired it for a moment then using his giant paw, smashed it into submission.

~ Candace Vianna

it’s okay if college isn’t your thing. I’m sure there’s a pole somewhere with your name on it, but next time you might not want to buy your tits off Craig’s List. Just sayin’.

~ Candace Vianna

He was a beautiful pagan god with the voice of a serial killer, but that didn’t make him any less god like. It just meant rather than dying in some dank basement or isolated cabin, I’d die bound on an altar as part of some gruesome sacrificial rite. Exsanguinating while he stood over my naked body with my blood dripping from an obsidian blade...Angelina Martin

~ Candace Vianna

it’s okay if college isn’t your thing. I’m sure there’s a pole somewhere with your name on it, but next time you might not want to buy your tits off Craig’s List. Just sayin’....Danny James

~ Candace Vianna

So, how’d you get the tattoo?” she said.“Drunken frat boys don’t say no to things their drunken frat brothers are telling them to do.”“That almost sounds like an admission of weakness from the invulnerable Andrew Sheffield.”“Not weakness. Stupidity, maybe. That, I’ll cop to.”“I can’t believe the man behind such a successful business is stupid.”“You’d be surprised. Just as there are different kinds of intelligence, there are different kinds of stupid.

~ Linda Morris

The parasail's winch turned, winding up the line, pulling Ally and Serena lower and closer to him in a steady pull. A funny feeling seized him as he watched her. Logically, he knew she kept getting closer, but he suddenly knew she’d never arrive. She’d be suspended out on the end of that line for eternity, seemingly within reach, yet somehow distant. His breath stopped.

~ Linda Morris

Are we going to be stupid?” she whispered.“Define stupid.”“Anything that involves either one of us exposing our favorite body parts.” Or their hearts…“I want to hear about your favorite body part,” he said. “In great detail.

~ Jill Shalvis

Look,” she said, “apparently you bring out my inner slut. I’m not going to thank you for that.”Wyatt smiled that sexy smile of his. “I could make you.”She pointed a finger at his nose. And then lowered it so it was pointed at another part of his anatomy entirely. “Don’t even think about it.”“Oh, I won’t,” he said silkily. “But you will.”And she knew he was right.

~ Jill Shalvis

We can't predict what's going to happen, but having love is worth the risk.

~ Nina Crespo

Then what’s this?” She raised her glass of expensive wine, used it to indicate their plush surroundings.His gaze followed her indication around the dim-lit, upmarket Italian restaurant. “Dinner in comfort.”“With a side order of persuasion?”“More like an offer I’m hoping you can’t refuse.

~ Monique Devere

Focus. She’s Maddie. Your friend. Would you eyeball Keith or Dane’s butt like that? ~ Zach

~ Monique Devere

Now why do I feel like Little Red Riding Hood? Daisy asked.Trav flashed a toothy smile and lunged for her neck. She squealed and squirmed, but he held on and chomped gently down her neck.She smacked his arm because she liked that a little too much. Back off, Big Bad Wolf.

~ Kylie Gilmore

Trav smiled his sweetest, most charming smile. Of course I'll play your husband on TV.Daisy blew out a breath of relief. Great! Thank you. I knew you'd understand.She reached for the ignition to shut off the car. He placed his hand on hers. They weren't done quite yet.As long as you play my wife in real life.

~ Kylie Gilmore

I turn my head so that he doesn't see my smile and secretly curse him for making me feel special.

~ Kasie West

Ryan couldn't believe his eyes. Gran wearing leather chaps in a Harley shop, talking about her ass. It was a living nightmare.What am I doing here? he asked Gran. Before he could read her the riot act on safety, Liz stepped in front of him. Her pink shirt was buttoned all the way to the top and tucked into ironed white pants. Her hair was straight and perfect. He had the strangest urge to muss her up.

~ Kylie Gilmore

Liz pasted on a smile, trying to appear normal in light of the fact that he had possibly incriminating knowledge on her from the background check. She hoped her application for a marriage license with Craig wasn't in the report. Or her long shopping record for organization systems from The Container Store. Or her many Internet searches for breeds of nonshedding dogs (she was waiting for the house with a yard before getting one). Or her long-time obsession with new cleaning products.

~ Kylie Gilmore

I’m really enjoying my solitude after feeling trapped by my family, friends and boyfriend. Just then I feel like making a resolution. A new year began six months ago but I feel like the time for change is now. No more whining about my pathetic life. I am going to change my life this very minute. Feeling as empowered as I felt when I read The Secret, I turn to reenter the hall. I know what I’ll do! Instead of listing all the things I’m going to do from this moment on, I’m going to list all the things I’m never going to do! I’ve always been unconventional (too unconventional if you ask my parents but I’ll save that account for later). I mentally begin to make my list of nevers. -I am never going to marry for money like Natasha just did. -I am never going to doubt my abilities again. -I am never going to… as I try to decide exactly what to resolve I spot an older lady wearing a bright red velvet churidar kurta. Yuck! I immediately know what my next resolution will be; I will never wear velvet. Even if it does become the most fashionable fabric ever (a highly unlikely phenomenon)I am quite enjoying my resolution making and am deciding what to resolve next when I notice Az and Raghav holding hands and smiling at each other. In that moment I know what my biggest resolve should be. -I will never have feelings for my best friend’s boyfriend. Or for any friend’s boyfriend, for that matter. That’s four resolutions down. Six more to go? Why not? It is 2012, after all. If the world really does end this year, at least I’ll go down knowing I completed ten resolutions. I don’t need to look too far to find my next resolution. Standing a few centimetres away, looking extremely uncomfortable as Rags and Az get more oblivious of his existence, is Deepak. -I will never stay in a relationship with someone I don’t love, I vow. Looking for inspiration for my next five resolutions, I try to observe everyone in the room. What catches my eye next is my cousin Mishka giggling uncontrollably while failing miserably at walking in a straight line. Why do people get completely trashed in public? It’s just so embarrassing and totally not worth it when you’re nursing a hangover the next day. I recoil as memories of a not so long ago night come rushing back to me. I still don’t know exactly what happened that night but the fragments that I do remember go something like this; dropping my Blackberry in the loo, picking it up and wiping it with my new Mango dress, falling flat on my face in the middle of the club twice, breaking my Nine West heels, kissing an ugly stranger (Az insists he was a drug dealer but I think she just says that to freak me out) at the bar and throwing up on the Bandra-Worli sea link from Az’s car. -I will never put myself in an embarrassing situation like that again. Ever. I usually vow to never drink so much when I’m lying in bed with a hangover the next day (just like 99% of the world) but this time I’m going to stick to my resolution. What should my next resolution be?

~ Anjali Kirpalani

Bet you've never had a bear down your pants before. Though I'm kind of a bear in bed. (Rick from Back to Basics)

~ Erin Mccarthy

She'd been trained as a child no to trust anyone, but he'd just saved her life, and she was freezing. He could be a yeti for all she cared.

~ Krystal Shannan

Oh my God, you're huge. She struggled to get her hands to the ends of the long sleeves. The garment hung to her knees. She glanced up to see his lips pressed together, like he was choking on a laugh. The corners of his eyes wee crinkled and amusement flickered in his heated gaze.

~ Krystal Shannan

Generally I try to avoid discussing consciousness, since it's, like, hard.

~ Robert Kurzban

There is a species of primate in South America more gregarious than most other mammals, with a curious behavior.The members of this species often gather in groups, large and small, and in the course of their mutual chattering , under a wide variety of circumstances, they are induced to engage in bouts of involuntary, convulsive respiration, a sort of loud, helpless, mutually reinforcing group panting that sometimes is so severe as to incapacitate them. Far from being aversive,however, these attacks seem to be sought out by most members of the species, some of whom even appear to be addicted to them....the species in Homo sapiens (which does indeed inhabit South America, among other places), and the behavior is laughter.

~ Daniel C. Dennett

This 'web of discourses' as Robyn called it...is as much a biological product as any of the other constructions to be found in the animal world. (Clothes too, are part of the extended phenotype of Homo Sapiens almost every niche inhabited by that species.An illustrated encyclopedia of zoology should no more picture Homo Sapiens naked than it should picture Ursus arctus-the black bear- wearing a clown suit and riding a bicycle.

~ Daniel C. Dennett

Blood is really warm,it's like drinking hot chocolatebut with more screaming.

~ Ryan Mecum

Yuki: What can I learn from a stupid cat like you? You didn’t even know that Jason isn’t really a bear. He’s a character in a horror film.Kyo: Yeah? So what if I didn’t? Like I’d waste my time watching some movie about a bear!Yuki: You truly are an idiot.

~ Natsuki Takaya

It's not the tales of Stephen King that I've read,I need protection from the things in my head . . .

~ Jimmy Buffett

Good luck is just bad luck with its hair combed.

~ Stephen King