Humor Quotes

Mom stood over the still thrashing ghost with the bat and brought it down on its head again and again. Leave him alone, leave my family alone! she screamed. We are not going to die in a stupid gas station in the middle of nowhere!

~ C.a. Marshall

I have a pretty good handle on my anxiety. I basically treat myself like a nervy horse: lots of exercise, lots of sleep, lots of interesting work to keep my mind occupied, and generally avoiding being ridden hard by strangers.

~ Caitlin Moran

At first, sending the confession by real mail had felt like a genius device. I would not have to sit by my phone and watch for the signs that indicated it had been sent and seen. Slim but solid paper would, I hoped, convey me better. Now I had to consider the very real frailties of the system. Ludicrous, in fact, to entrust something of such magnitude to a mailman. A perfect stranger. I looked up stories of nefarious New York mailmen. There was one who has willfully upturned the lives of ordinary people like myself by hoarding 40,000 pieces of undelivered mail. The city was crawling with thieves and malcontents.

~ Olivia Sudjic

Procrastination is the lazy cousin of fear.When we feel anxiety around an activity, we postpone it.

~ Noelle Hancock

What I find predictable is crazy people's ability to predict that unpredictable people can be predicted by their consistent unpredictable behavior, thus making all crazy people predictable when the world says they are unpredictable. Therefore, I must be “right” because I can predict crazy because I have been trained in the unpredictable nature of consistent craziness because I am crazy.

~ Shannon L. Alder

When presented with a member of the opposite sex, some of us get numbers and some of us throw up.

~ Daria Snadowsky

It’s been my experience that people always assume that generalized anxiety disorder is preferable to social anxiety disorder, because it sounds more vague and unthreatening, but those people are totally wrong. For me, having generalized anxiety disorder is basically like having all of the other anxiety disorders smooshed into one. Even the ones that aren’t recognized by modern science. Things like birds-will-probably-smother-me-in-my-sleep anxiety disorder and I-keep-crackers-in-my-pocket-in-case-I-get-trapped-in-an-elevator anxiety disorder. Basically I’m just generally anxious about f***ing everything. In fact, I suspect that’s how they came up with the name.

~ Jenny Lawson

Do you remember what I forgot?

~ Erica Goros

TELEPHONE n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

~ Ambrose Bierce

The production of too many useful things results in too many useless people.

~ Karl Marx

New Rule: You can't force the ATM to do something it doesn't want to do. Excuse me, lady in front of me at the Citibank ATM, but you've been standing there punching buttons for ten minutes--what are you trying to do, write a novel on it? You hear those beeping noises? That's the ATM saying, Stop it, you're hurting me. A chicken would have gotten forty bucks out of that thing by now just by pecking the buttons randomly.

~ Bill Maher

Whatever happens, we have gotThe Maxim gun, and they have not.

~ Hilaire Belloc

Computers are heaven-sent when they work and hell-spawn when they don't.There's just not much middle ground when it comes to technology.

~ Dani Harper

Twittering just seemed to be people telling other people what they were doing--getting in the shower, making coffee. Who on earth wanted to know these things?...Babble and twitter. Full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

~ Kate Atkinson

Forget UNIX - it will be gone in 5 years.

~ Tom Jermoluk

Necessity used to be the mother of invention, but then we ran out of things that were necessary.

~ Chuck Klosterman

Email is the scourge of our age,' said Silvia. 'Email and cancer.

~ Olivia Sudjic

Just because he might not know the difference between a spanner and a hammer, didn’t mean a good dose of Heroic kicking wouldn’t solve the same problem.

~ Jim Dyar

We want to empower the doctors and patients to get all the other assholes out of the way,' Clark had once told me, then laughed. 'Except for us. One asshole in the middle.

~ Michael Lewis

Try to imagine the calamity of that: Zack, age twenty-eight, with no management experience, gets training from Dave, a weekend rock guitarist, on how to apply a set of fundamentally unsound psychological principles as a way to manipulate the people who report to him.

~ Dan Lyons

Yes, you are a battery.

~ Benjamin H. Bratton

Could we can have developer acceptance criteria?

~ Ahkeno

Wow. Whoops. Sorry. ... I just lost two hours inside a YouTube kitten warp.

~ Douglas Coupland

Way to defuse a situation. It's tough to enjoy a good bloodbath in the middle of a PowerPoint presentation.

~ Nina Bangs

Technology is too crazy for me, but I would be very happy when they make phone that can cook.

~ Patricia Dunn

What, exactly, is the Internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such a way that any computer, anywhere, that is equipped with a device called a “modem” can make a noise like a duck choking on a kazoo.

~ Dave Barry

Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.

~ Dave Barry

Now, as a non-Amish person in the twentieth century who is not a part of the aging and thus noncoveted seventy-five-plus marketing demographic that views things like cell phones and iPads with that quaint, old-people mixture of astonishment, fascination, confusion, and abject fear, I spend as much time pawing my cell phone as members of the postpubescent marketing demographic spend pawing each other and themselves.

~ Bikesnobnyc

It happens to us all. We drink too much, take one too many hits of acid, proposition the wrong prostitute and end up by the side of some freeway, disheveled and disoriented.

~ Kenyon Ledford

War created the conditions for great advances in technology...without war men would not traverse oceans in hours, travel in space, or microwave popcorn.

~ Adrian R. Lewis

I won't say that all senior citizens who can't master technology should be publicly flogged, but if we made an example of one or two, it might give the others incentive to try harder.

~ Chuck Lorre

Yes, but does Maine have anything to SAY to Florida?

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

New Rule: Stop putting psychedelic screensavers on computers. I sit down to check my e-mail, and the next thing I know it's three days later, I'm in the desert, I'm banging on a drum, I'm naked, and somebody's pierced my dick.

~ Bill Maher

The space is appropriately shoe-boxy and all the shelves are there. I've set them up with a coordinate system, so my program can find aisle 3, shelf 13 all by itself. Simulated light from the simulated windows casts sharp-edged shadows through the simulated store. If this sounds impressive to you, you're over thirty.

~ Robin Sloan

Database Management System [Origin: Data + Latin basus low, mean, vile, menial, degrading, ounterfeit.] A complex set of interrelational data structures allowing data to be lost in many convenient sequences while retaining a complete record of the logical relations between the missing items. -- From The Devil's DP Dictionary

~ Stan Kelly Bootle

The information age is so psychotic – without the cell phone and Internet, I would be drama free right now.

~ Lauren Barnholdt

She flipped through the pages of her apps, as if Apple made an app for Escape from a deserted island.

~ Kimberly Kinrade

So this is what you two do when you’re up here,” Dean drawls. “All that deep, intensive tutoring.” He air-quotes the last word, chuckling in delight.“Actually, Garrett’s just helping me brush up on my make-out skills,” I tell Dean in the most casual voice I can muster.Dean snickers. “’That so?”“Okay…” Dean’s eyes gleam. “Then I’m calling your bluff, baby doll. Show me your moves.”I blink in surprise. “What?”“If a doctor told you you’ve got ten days to live, you’d go for a second opinion, wouldn’t you? Well, if you’re worried about being a crappy kisser, you can’t just take G’s word for it. You need a second opinion.” His brows lift in challenge. “Let me see what you’ve got.”“Stop being a jackass,” Garrett mutters.“No, he has a point,” I answer awkwardly, and my brain screams, What?He has a point? Apparently Garrett’s body-melting kisses have turned me into a crazy person.

~ Elle Kennedy

And he kissed me . . . slow. Agonizingly, maddeningly, painfully slow.I loved kissing. I also loved what it usually led to, but I was especially loving this part with Leo. The beginning, when everything is new and exciting, and everything in the entire world boils down to sweet feathering lips and quiet sighs. When the stars fade and the earth ceases to turn, its axis forgotten in the wake of things like: which way will you lean and which way will my neck naturally turn, and is it possible that I can actually detect your fingerprints, because my skin seems so alive right now and my nose just brushed yours and the tiny groan that just rumbled from deep in your chest is the most erotic sound imaginable, and gee your hair smells terrific

~ Alice Clayton

His princess was dusty.

~ Sarah E. Morin