Humor Quotes

We just move on, don’t we, with traitors still amongst us? But there was one thought that wouldn’t go away. If I loved him, I would forgive him.

~ Graham Spaid

But this bus was a bit too full. The driver only appeared to control the glass and metal around him. In reality, he was at the nose of a travelling paroxysm.

~ Graham Spaid

My main regret in life is that there is no MacArthur Fellowship awarded in the field of Panda Satire.

~ Anne Belov

And so the problem remained; lots of the people were mean, and most of them were miserable, even the ones with digital watches. Many were increasingly of the opinion that they'd all made a big mistake in coming down from the treesin the first place. And some said that even the trees had been a bad move, and that no one should ever have left the oceans.

~ Douglas Adams

My mother was, for the most part, delighted with my brother and regarded him with the bemused curiosity of a brood hen discovering she has hatched a completely different species. 'I think it was very nice of Paul to give me this vase,' she once said, arranging a bouquet of wildflowers into the skull-shaped bong my brother had left on the kitchen table. 'It's nontraditional, but that's the Rooster's way. He's a free spirit, and we're lucky to have him.

~ David Sedaris

So you've been gone a couple days,' Alison said. 'Hmm, what'd you miss...A celebrity did drugs. Politicians disagreed. A different celebrity wore a bikini that revealed a bodily imperfection. A team won a sporting event, but another team lost.' I smiled. 'You can't go disappearing on everybody like this, Hazel. You miss too much.

~ John Green

The woman spoke with a heavy western North Carolina accent, which I used to discredit her authority. Here was a person for whom the word 'pen' had two syllables. He people undoubtedly drank from clay jugs and hollered for Paw when the vittles were ready-- so who was she to advise me on anything?

~ David Sedaris

Does it stand, but not straight enough? Is there a bend in the tool? Leaning left like the Marxist-Leninist Party? To the right, like the Jan Sangh fascists? Or wobbling mindlessly in the middle, like the Congress Party? Fear not, for it can be straightened! Does it refuse to harden even with rubbing and massage? Then try my ointment, and it will become hard as the government's heart! All your troubles will vanish with this amazing ointment made from the organs of these wild animals! Capable of turning all men into engine-drivers! Punctual as the trains in the Emergency! Back and forth you will shunt with piston power every night! The railways will want to harness your energy! Apply this ointment once a day, and your wife will be proud of you! Apply it twice a day, and she will have to share you with the whole block!

~ Rohinton Mistry

That's not a religion, that's Pokemon.

~ Stephen Colbert

I guess if you get too close, the twinkling stops; they don’t look like stars anymore.

~ Graham Spaid

Divorce is a marital welfare. It's just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn't do enough research before they got married. How is that our fault? Don't drag down my country's statistics just because you ran off and got hitched before you ever saw each other in a bad mood.

~ Stephen Colbert

I wouldn't dignify it with the name immoral.

~ Graham Spaid

You know what people are doing on the other side of the world, what’s happening on another planet, but not what’s going on inside the person next to you.

~ Graham Spaid

Were the stars against him? A woman's fingers are quicker in the sky and shine more brightly.

~ Graham Spaid

We put our flags in soil when we arrive, as if it now belongs to us and we know where we are.

~ Graham Spaid

The world is indeed a cold, hard stone.

~ Graham Spaid

A nose is ordinarily naked. A nose isn’t nipple, although there are similarities.

~ Graham Spaid

The emotion was the most important thing.

~ Graham Spaid

The Crusaders lead to the Knights Templar; the Knights Templar lead to the Masons; and the Masons lead to the Shriners, a secret society that controls world government, toys with our banking system, and single-handedly keeps the fez industry afloat.

~ Stephen Colbert

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, a family is defined as two or more people living together who are related by birth, marriage or adoption. In other words, the U.S. Census Bureau is run by radical leftists. Why do you think there's a whole category for the unemployed?

~ Stephen Colbert

You wanna know why the world is f**ked? This is why, this is exactly why…right here. Get a pen, write this down, this is important…The world is f**ked up because I eat WonderBread preserved with formaldehyde that lasts three weeks and will never grow mold as long as it’s kept in its magic silver bag. The world is f**ked up because I know my cans of tuna have mercury in it. The world is f**ked up because I know my flake light tuna and WonderBread are poisonous, yet I still eat them!

~ Shannon Lyndsy

No one washes their hands after they piss unless they’re in a public place. If I’m at the airport, or a restaurant, and someone else is there, I’ll soap up for the sake of civilization, but it’s only for show, I don’t really care if I have ultraviolet traces of urine or feces on my hands. But, if I see someone walk oudda the men’s without soaping up I’ll think he’s deranged, borderline psychotic. At least pretend that washing your hands matters. You know, for the sake of civilization.

~ Shannon Lyndsy

By educating me at home, my parents were able to give me individualized attention without the usual distractions that kids in regular school experience, like dating and friendship. Not to mention that traditional school can be dangerous. I’ve heard about kids catching the flu and chicken pox, even Judaism.And how about those poor kids lugging all those heavy books to and from school every day? My books never went anywhere, just like me. I felt so bad when I’d see kids on my street giggling and chasing each other around with those awkward backpacks.

~ Colin Nissan

LEARN FROM THE MASTERS: Mark Twain once said, “Show, don’t tell.” This is an incredibly important lesson for writers to remember; never get such a giant head that you feel entitled to throw around obscure phrases like “Show, don’t tell.” Thanks for nothing, Mr. Cryptic.

~ Colin Nissan

Libations are for the gods. Cocktails are for mere mortals.

~ Jonathan Kieran

I turned on Fox News and jumped when I saw that they had one of those things in their studio. Are you people crazy? I screamed at the television. Get out of there. Somebody shoot it! Then I realized I was watching Special Report and had mistaken Charles Krauthammer for a zombie.

~ Ian Mcclellan

Provided that nothing like useful knowledge could be gained from them, provided they were all story and no reflection, she had never any objection to books at all.

~ Jane Austen

terrorism n.Violence for political purposes or the politically motivated threat of violence which, either intentionally or unintentionally, challenges the state's monopoly on political violence.

~ Leslie Starr O'hara

conservative n.A person who possesses an underdeveloped taste for tyranny.liberal n.A person who believes in liberty, but only for the state.

~ Leslie Starr O'hara

preemptive strike n.A blow or punch delivered by military aircraft to a target who is suspected of being adverse to one's plot for world domination.

~ Leslie Starr O'hara

At Columbus Circle, a juggler wearing a trench cloak and top hat, who is usually at this location afternoons and who calls himself Stretch Man, performs in front of a small, uninterested crowd; though I smell prey, and he seems worthy of my wrath, I move on in search of a less dorky target. Though if he’d been a mime, odds are he’d already be dead.

~ Bret Easton Ellis

There is no point in poverty if it does not make a rich man, observing it, feel better.

~ Tom Morrison

A dutiful wife enables a good man to add her hands to his own for self-applause.

~ Tom Morrison

It takes a lot of wind to sail a leaky boat.

~ Tom Morrison

The past is an educational toy for the present. It should be discarded the moment its usefulness is outgrown.

~ Tom Morrison

Marriage is the legal method devised to end love without pain.

~ Tom Morrison

I tossed my shoulders and swaggered away, whistling with pleasure. In the gutter I saw a long cigaret butt. I picked it up without shame, lit it as I stood with one foot in the gutter, puffed it and exhaled toward the stars. I was an American, and goddamn proud of it.

~ John Fante

They who suspect a Mephistophiles, or sneering, satirical devil, under all, have not learned the secret of true humor, which sympathizes with gods themselves, in view of their grotesque, half-finished creatures.

~ Henry David Thoreau

Jersey Shore has killed more brain cells than alcohol, cocaine, and meth combined.

~ Michelle Templet

Quite possibly the only infinite power in the universe may be the human capacity for self-deception.

~ Michelle Templet