Humor Quotes

Obama's plan for change: Let's do everything Bush did, only with more suck! Because it just didn't suck badly enough the first time!

~ Michelle Templet

Half the time your kids end up hating you for at least 5 of their teenage years[.] And don't ever expect anything so mundane as a thank you

~ Donna Ball

You know you're a mom when you open the door to the dishwasher mid-cycle and think, 'This is the closest I'm going to get to a spa treatment till next Mother's Day.'Joining the words 'Lose Weight, Effortlessly!' in the same sentence may be a form of hate speech.Try to make time for the things that are important, not just the things that are urgent.I want my work to matter, my words to count for the good, and to spread some good cheer along the way.

~ Judy Gruen

Mother doesn't cook, Ignatius said dogmatically, She burns.

~ John Kennedy Toole

I am often slow in catching up to the times, but even so, I still cannot even grip this idea: With nothing more than pitocin in your IV drip, you can sooner control the date and time of the birth of a human being-- the gushing entry into the great blue world of a whole new person-- than you can the scheduling of a few line cooks in your operation.

~ Gabrielle Hamilton

Every working mother has the things she dreads, things that keep her up in the night – pink eye, an ear infection, the parent-teacher conference, the school play – all forcing her to remind the people she works with that she is not, in fact, wholly devoted to business enterprises, but has another secret life. For me, the night terror is the 5 a.m. phone call from the nanny.

~ Emily Roberson

Poor woman! She probably thought change of air might agree with many of her children.

~ Jane Austen

Excuse my dress. I was half an hour late this morning. When you lose half an hour in this house, you never can pick it up again, try how you may. -Reverend Finch's wife

~ Wilkie Collins

If we wear our nursing covers backwards like capes, then everyone can see we're breastfeeding superheroes.

~ Cassi Clark

I think I would scream too if someone violently jammed a big ass breast in my mouth.

~ Cassi Clark

The physical relief of having fully drained boobs cannot be overstated.

~ Cassi Clark

Heaven is the feeling of hand warmers on sore nipples.

~ Cassi Clark

Go hug a nursing mom -- but not too hard. Her boobs may hurt.

~ Cassi Clark

I can absolutely assure you that birth is nothing like holding an ice cube in your hand for a minute and breathing through the pain.

~ Cassi Clark

In case you haven't heard, let me tell you now, babies do not come out knowing how to breastfeed.

~ Cassi Clark

If nursing were easy, there wouldn't be so many helpful products.

~ Cassi Clark

Though breastfeeding is supposed to the most natural thing ever, it seems like a rich-people sport for all the stuff we buy to help.

~ Cassi Clark

I suffer from CLAUSTROPHOBIA, a fear of closed spaces.For example, I’m petrified that the WINE store will be closed before I have time to get there!!!

~ Tanya Masse

On a good day, my style is librarian chic. On a bad day, it's frumpy mother.

~ Cassandra Page

It had been six weeks since I brought my second child, my daughter, kicking and screaming into the world. Six weeks, that magic number men everywhere look forward to and women dread.

~ Julia Arnold

These days, “getting lucky” means drinking an entire cup of COFFEE while it’s still HOT!

~ Tanya Masse

One very important key to maintaining our daily sanity is a simple scheduling tactic I call Putting Things the Hell Off.

~ Ian Frazier

It's tough being AWESOME all the time, but the kids need someone to look up to!

~ Tanya Masse

Real motherhood is different. It's better and it's messier and it's more complicated. It will break your heart and make you laugh harder than you ever imagined. You find yourself alternating between feeling like your friends talked you into some sort of pyramid scheme so you could share in their misery and thinking this is the most fulfilling thing you've ever done in your life.

~ Melanie Shankle

Toys have taken over my family room. I watch Mary Poppins, and no matter how many spoonfuls of sugar I eat, action figures won’t march into a bin with the snap of my fingers.

~ Barbara Brooke

...there is the sheer emotional, intellectual, physical, chemical pleasure of your children. The honest truth is that the world holds no greater gratification than lying in bed with your children, putting your leg on top of them in a semi-crushing manner, while saying sternly, You are a poo.

~ Caitlin Moran

Talking about a problem sometimes makes it worse.

~ Dean Koontz

SciFi: When there's a serious problem and everyone decides to solve it sensibly.

~ Elaine Greywalker

Simon did not solve problems, he just shamed them into going away.

~ Sorin Suciu

I wondered what he would have thought if he'd known that I'd gleaned most of my information from reading historical romance novels.

~ Nicole Luiken

Miss Edmonton: I don't even know where to start. It's too horrifying to even speak of.Jenny: Nonsense. Let's start with the basics. What did your aunt tell you?Miss Edmonton: My aunt said that my husband will come into my room and pull my skirt up. And then he'll put himself inside of me. She said it hurts. She suggested I hold my tongue and pretend I am somewhere else until he is done.Jenny: Yes. I should think it would hurt if you did it that way. Good heavens.

~ Courtney Milan

When she shines we all bask in her happiness, but when the thunderstorms come in, let me warn you, find a faraway hiding hole. Dorothy Broadbelt, lady in waiting to Queen Elizabeth 1.

~ Suzanne Crowley

Yes, and you did it spectacularly. They were the best non words ever not spoken.

~ Robert Thier

Helen likes Brussels sprouts. How can anyone trust her opinion?

~ Lisa Kleypas

I steal from the rich to give to myself.

~ Robert Thier

Gideon could not imagine any other young unmarried woman of his acquaintance passing up the opportunity to snare, if not himself, then the Carradice fortune. In any case, the number of women who’d rejected him in any way was gratifyingly small. Yet Miss Prudence Merridew had most unmistakably rejected him. Several times. Wielding that damned lethal reticule like a little Amazon, to emphasize her point.

~ Anne Gracie

The arrogant man probably thought his path to heaven was already assured, and that he acted in accordance to God’s will just by breathing.

~ Maya Banks

Thinking back on the outing to the theatre, she added, ‘I want a man, not a preening peacock!

~ Katherine Givens

You don't have to say a thing except yes. You don't have to do anything, either, I'm quite willing to plan it all. You?Yes me.You'd plan all of it? Even the wedding?Why not?You don't even like to plan your own breakfast.He grinned. You mean more to me tban bacon.More than [i]bacon?[/i] I'm honored.You should be, my foolish pea brain.

~ Karen Hawkins

If you make a deal with a fool, don't be surprised when they act foolishly.

~ Jeffrey Archer