Humor Quotes

A man who discovers his pants are on fire tends to have very little time to worry about somebody else's box of matches

~ Jeff Lindsay

Human misery must somewhere have a stop; there is no wind that always blows a storm; great good fortune comes to failure in the end. All is change; all yields its place and goes; to persevere, trusting in what hopes he has, is courage in a man. The coward despairs.

~ Euripides

Intelligence is being intelligent enough to know you're not so intelligent as you intelligently once thought.

~ Carroll Bryant

The only working model of socialism I have ever seen is in an elementary school classroom.

~ R.m. Arcejaeger

We go to school so that when we grow up we can make lots of money, and we make lots of money so we can provide for our children, and we have children to provide for our retirement (because we don’t have any money left).

~ R.m. Arcejaeger

Some people remember the sixties better than others do. Some weren't even there, some who were there were not really there, and some who were not really there were really there.

~ Tom Hays

It's best to locate the mind first before launching the 'missiles of contention'.

~ Gasmaskman

I think happiness is a bit like a cake. If you have cake every single day of your life you'll get sick of it. If you're happy everyday, you'll get sick of being happy… That's a good saying actually. Happiness is like a cake. Have too much and you'll get sick of it.

~ Karl Pilkington

In the real world, in the grand scheme of life, this year is going to count for exactly nothing. These are the friendships that don't last and the choices that don't count. All those things we freak out about now, like who's going to be class president and are we going to win the game this weekend- there's going to be a time when we can't remember caring about them. In exactly three hundred and sixty five days from right now, wearing your letter jacket will make you look like the lamest of losers.

~ Jen Klein

The only difference between a prayer and a curse is the one who stands to profit.

~ Paula Wall

Some women barter their bodies like whores with wedding bands. Some use sex like a sword. But some women can touch a man and heal like Jesus.

~ Paula Wall

It is better to make an irrational noise in a bush than in a desert.

~ Duop Chak Wuol

It is logical to look for a green fowl in a dark room even if you know the chance of finding a green fowl in a dark room is slim.

~ Duop Chak Wuol

Life is like a double-blind experiment. And the Observer is the only One in on the Know.

~ Solange Nicole

The truth about life is complicated, indefensible and embarrassing.

~ Alex Weinle

To be depressed or neurotic is passive. It has happened to all of us, we are it's victim and we have no control over it.

~ William Glasser

Life is like a one rung ladder, some days you can be on the top and bottom of the world at the same time

~ Benny Bellamacina

Life is like a DVR recording. The story goes on, but you cannot see it until you fast forward through the commercials

~ Christopher Earle

When your diary is full and your life is empty, get a date

~ Benny Bellamacina

An autobiography is inherently incomplete unless the last page is written on the eve of the author's demise.

~ Dan Makaon

What the hell is instant? Nothing is instant. Instant rice takes five minutes, instant pudding in an hour.

~ John Green

While the churches, bringing the sweet smell of piety for the soul, came in prancing and farting like brewery horses in bock-beer time, the sister evangelism, with release and joy for the body, crept in.silently and greyly, with its head bowed and its face covered.

~ John Steinbeck

... I had been brought to boil twice with no pasta.

~ Vanessa Estrella

At the Slavemarket:“How is her disposition?” “Meek as meek can be; we tried training her in the care of sheep, but they bullied her, and drove her to tears.”Iayd turned to Fudail’s henchman Falih. Falih was a bald, fat man charged with keeping the slaves in line. His face bore scars that seemed to indicate that he had just recently tried to rob an eagle nest whilst the eagle mother was still at home. His legs stood knock-kneed and he held his groin as if something serious was amiss with the heirlooms entrusted him.“I swear to you, she is an angel sent to earth to spread kindness,” Falih said, his voice somewhat out of pitch. Something must be wrong, thought Iayd.

~ August Renfelt

Of course, fingers are one thing. A cock is quite another.

~ Jordan Hardick

It's a good thing, right, when an author gets turned on by the dirty scenes they write?!

~ Martha Sweeney

I don’t want to talk about it,” she said. Once again he was close. Too close. So damn close. “At all,” she added, hearing with some alarm that her voice had softened. Everything had softened, at just his proximity. “Ever,” she whispered, and found her gaze locked on his mouth.He had a really great mouth.“I don’t want to talk, either,” that mouth said very seriously. And then he lowered his head and kissed her.

~ Jill Shalvis

She had no idea how long they kissed—and kissed—but she didn’t think about stopping until she ran out of air. Breathing hard, she slowly opened her eyes and stared directly into his.They’d heated. Darkened. And something else. He wasn’t looking so relaxed now. In fact, he was looking the opposite of relaxed. He looked…feral.And she was his prey.

~ Jill Shalvis

Oh, doctor. I think I’m sick I need some penis-cilin.” I fake cough again into my hand.

~ S.k. Logsdon

I want that little blonde bitch in the lobby to hear me screaming your name.

~ Aaron B. Powell

You think all I can do is frog legs? I got Legs on my mind, alright, but yours. I’ll do whatever it takes the save the ass on top of ‘em and everything else, you hear me?

~ A. Violet End

Well, fella, as much as I’d like to stick something up your ass, it ain’t gonna be my finger or anything else on my body—sorry to disappoint.

~ A. Violet End

When I make love to you, Lanie, I want you to feel every inch of me buried deep inside of you, loving you, worshiping your body...

~ Flora Roberts

Shock? More like shellshock at this point. Blondie knew I was gay, yet he was a Company Exec or else he wouldn’t be here. I was his butt boy in the worst possible way.When I squinted at him, he gave nothing up. Neither did I. I had shit on this newly minted man too.Double fucking jeopardy, jackass.

~ Rie Warren

I'm going to make love to you, Lanie. I'm not your first, but I will be the last.

~ Flora Roberts

Oh fuck, he was right there. I was wet as hell and he could probably smell me now. I should have eaten strawberries or melon or a dozen roses or an entire mint plant. Did that work for women? I read an article that it worked for men. Their spunk tasted like what they ate. Did my vagina taste like spaghetti right now? God dammit! I shouldn't have eaten dinner!

~ Tara Sivec

We laughed together. It’s so lovely laughing with a man. It feels positive. Relaxed…

~ James Lusarde

You should really be more careful who you let put their hands on you.” A silky male voice hummed as hot, minty breath wafted around her ear and danced slowly across her nose. Sera inhaled deeply, her skin prickled with goose bumps.

~ Flora Roberts

Mr. Carter cleared his throat. “Soy sauce.” He deadpanned. “Really, Sera?

~ Flora Roberts

If I were you, I’d clear those cobwebs out because there isn’t a shop-vac out there strong enough to handle that job.

~ Flora Roberts