Humor Quotes

Always stay one step a head, unless you’re already there

~ Benny Bellamacina

True ambition is trying to paint yourself out of a corner

~ Josh Stern

At last a lifetime ambition of mine to become a pimp was satisfied.

~ Jack Woodford

A king of a kingdom no one fucking knows about! I'm the tree in the forest that silently falls--when no one is around to be crushed! [Lothaire, Enemy of Old]

~ Kresley Cole

To die famous is the goal of the immortal. To die young is the goal of the healthy. To die memorably is the goal of the survivor.

~ Bauvard

You want useless, you have come to the right guy. I can be useless for hours at a time. Weeks even. I'm currently closing in on a month of being totally useless, which is by way of being a personal best.

~ Sarah Rees Brennan

Oh, Wax has always been solemn, but when he's at his best, there's a smirk underneath.

~ Brandon Sanderson

I'm told I'm very charming when people do what I want.

~ Steven Brust

Why do you work so hard to make yourself disliked? I should think you'd find it happens enough on its own without putting yourself to any extra trouble.

~ Steven Brust

Is she always like this? No, usually worse.

~ Steve Voake

So I've come to the conclusion that it is thus my own fault when these people I have been talking about finally stop saying Ah and tell me it's a pity I always do such odd things.

~ Barbara Wright

And fair warning, as part of my tortured-soul thing I have to start being mean to you. Apparently that will make me seem strong and make you seem weak. Because strong nowadays means being a total dick.

~ Cale Dietrich

I'm a Joker. Dangerous and silly at the same time.

~ Nuno Roque

Here’s the thing - in this damned century, you’ll meet a lot of people who do a lot of things. What’s funny is the fact that the most desirable attributes of these people are nothing but developed and cultured thoughts. And these things come naturally to people who shine bright. The other guys just try to ape these thoughts, in an embarrassing attempt to recreate some of that magic. Sadly,- what looks beautiful as a natural quotient can be extremely funny and disgusting when replicated manually. Stop replicating feelings; else you’ll turn into one of those duplicate personalities. They’re wannabes. You don’t have to become one!

~ Shomprakash Sinha Roy

Writing is my life. Life is my hobby.

~ Emma Lai

Some days being a writer consists of telling yourself you aren't insane, your characters are.

~ Nevea Lane

Well-developed characters will ruin your writing plans every time. You may think you know where you're going with a story, but they have other ideas.

~ Quinn Anderson

May the words come easy, the doubt be weak, and the coffee strong enough to eat through steel. (I don't drink coffee...but I understand most authors do, and they like it with a bit of fight in it.) Now, let us boot up, sit down, and accrue those daily page counts!

~ G. Allen Cook

I'd be lying if I said killing off characters wasn't therapeutic in some way.

~ Eliza Green

There are as many ways to discover your story as there are to trip over a dog in the kitchen--and some of them feel about as planned.

~ Jeffrey A. Carver

When I write, it feels like there are two little creatures that sit on each of my shoulders. One whispers, You can do this. You've got what it takes. The other sounds like my mother-in-law.

~ Carla H. Krueger

...writing Jeeves stories gives me a great deal of pleasure and keeps me out of the public houses.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

Ignore people who say you can't do it, even if this person is yourself.

~ Martha Reed

Every author, however modest, keeps a most outrageous vanity chained like a madman in the padded cell of his breast.

~ Logan Pearsall Smith

When you find yourself surrounded by sane people excited about your idea and lending support, you realize, perhaps, you are not as crazy as you think you are

~ Paresh Shah

Love is blind. Especially in the morning, because I can't see a damn thing before having coffee.

~ Aleksandra Ninkovic

Let's play Russian roulette. If you win, I give you a Colombian necktie.

~ Natalya Vorobyova

I'm not trying to put you down, but even if I did, you'd have nowhere to go.

~ Aleksandra Ninkovic

I hope your only rocky road is chocolate.

~ Amanda Mosher

He is a unicorn. I want to gently capture him and bring him back to my lab for research.

~ Amanda Mosher

Sometimes I dig holes for people to fall in. Then I shout, “I've got you!

~ Amanda Mosher

I fared excellent on the zombie apocalypse assessment; however, I did not do so well on the surviving without your love questionnaire.

~ Amanda Mosher

I find love is more of a bacterium than a virus unless you are comparing it to herpes.

~ Amanda Mosher

To better understand our love, I revisited chemical kinetics.

~ Amanda Mosher

If you lie there much longer, I’ll be tempted to tie you to the table legs and try buttering your ass instead of the toast.

~ Cari Silverwood

She’d run over Dankyo in an instant to get to Theo. Be a darn big bump in the road, but she’d do it.

~ Cari Silverwood

Baby girl, five minutes alone with me and you're gonna be begging me to taste your pie.

~ Carmen Jenner

You can’t even begin to fathom the amount of fucks I do not give about what you want.

~ Ella Dominguez

That was some powerful shit. Like mind and pussy-numbing, fuckilepsy inducing, reproductive organ-exploding powerful. You really are some kind of flogger wielding sex God.

~ Ella Dominguez

A brief hush fell over the table when the guy from the bar approached. After he finished depositing their drinks in the center of the table, Lynn jumped on the opportunity to flirt, winking and smiling prettily at him. “Thanks, cowboy.” “Cowboy?” Reaching for her appletini, Piper laughed. Lynn shrugged. “When I picture him in my bed, I see a Stetson and a saddle.” Something well-known among their group, ever since she watched John Travolta in Urban Cowboy, she was on a mission to secure herself her very own cowboy. “I bet you see a branding iron too,” Jules snickered. Lynn’s thoughtful gaze trailed after him as the bartender returned to making drinks.

~ J.c. Valentine