Humor Quotes

The truth is I’m a chicken shit coward who’s afraid of a girl like you. When I’m with you, I want things I never thought I’d be able to have, or deserved, and that scares me a little. I’m just a regular guy who works in a bar and you’re this beautiful person who shines brighter than the stars.I think I just made up some cheesy poetry so I’ll stop while I’m ahead.If you feel like talking, give me a call. ~DSophie sat down on the floor and, through blurry eyes, reread the note so many times she had it memorized. She was going to do more than give him a call.

~ Jenny Lyn

He had had much experience of physicians, and said 'the only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not'.

~ Mark Twain

I don't want to hurt anyone Laszlo fiddled with a button on his tux jacket. Can't we convince the CIA that some of us are peaceful? we'll have to try Angus folded his arms across his broad chest. And if they doona believe we're peaceful, then we'll have to kill the bastards. Roman frowned, somehow their Highlander logic escaped him.

~ Kerrelyn Sparks

I'm being ironic. Don't interrupt a man in the midst of being ironic, it's not polite. There!

~ Ray Bradbury

Maugham then offers the greatest advice anyone could give to a young author: At the end of an interrogation sentence, place a question mark. You'd be surprised how effective it can be.

~ Woody Allen

Ironic, isn’t it?” Shawn said.“It’s not ironic at all,” Gus said.“Dude, it’s so like a black fly in your chardonnay.”“How many times do I have to tell you that’s not ironic, either?”“Rain on your wedding day?”“‘Irony’ is the use of words to convey a meaning that’s opposite to their literal meaning,” Gus said. “That stupid song came out fourteen years ago, and we still have this exact conversation at least once a week.”“Yeah,” Shawn said. “Ironic, isn’t it?

~ William Rabkin

In the State of Denmark there was the odor of decay...

~ Roger Zelazny

I took my .38 out and looked to see that there were bullets in all the proper places. I knew there would be, but it did no harm to be careful. And I'd seen Clint Eastwood do it once in the movies.

~ Robert B. Parker

Has all the trappings of a mystery novel, doesn't it?

~ Patricia Cornwell

The whole damn century would've made more sense backwards. Where we ended is worse than where we began.

~ Rebecca Makkai

Irony of the day: arthritis medication with a cap that old people can't get off, because of their arthritis.

~ Kelli Jae Baeli

You are so lost to your higher self that you would resent me for my achievements, rather than celebrate them with me, sexually?

~ Ayn Rand

Time makes fools of us all. Our only comfort is that greater shall come after us.

~ Eric Temple Bell

The book didn't want to be copied?I should introduce it to the house that doesn't want any occupants.

~ A.w. Exley

For I must tell you, gentle reader, that Geralt the Witcher was always a modest, prudent and composed man, with a soul as simple and uncomplicated as the shaft of a halberd.

~ Andrzej Sapkowski

The old Televisions had an off switch.

~ Chris Bachelder

If consultants followed their own advice, they wouldn't tell anyone.

~ Grant Mclachlan

Endgame,” Sam muttered, not really expecting Caine to hear.“Yep,” Caine said. “That’s right. Endgame. The FAYZ barrier is coming down; at least that’s mybet. But there’s also a ninety percent chance you and me both end up dead. Ten percent chance weboth actually get out of here alive. In which case we end up sharing a cell somewhere.” He laughed.“Kind of unfair, really, what with me being evil and all, and you just so darned virtuous and heroic.

~ Michael Grant

Once upon a time all the men of mind and genius in the world became of one belief- that is to say, of no belief. But it wearied them to think that within a few years after their death many cults and systems and prognostications would be ascribed to them which they had never...intended. So they said to one another: Let's join together and make a great book that will last forever that will mock the credulity of man...We'll include all the most preposterous old wives' tales now current. We'll choose the keenest satirist alive to compile a deity from all the deities worshipped by mankind, a deity who will be more magnificent than any of them, yet so weakly human that he'll become a byword for laughter the world over- and we'll ascribe to him all sorts of jokes and vanities and rages, in which he'll be supposed to indulge for his own diversion, so that the people will read our book and ponder it, and there'll be no more nonsense in the world.

~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

imagine there's no heaven... he said. Apparently someone is taking that personally.

~ E.j. Copperman

It was 5:30 in the morning, and Wally’s coffee maker was just completing its automated process, yielding its much appreciated nectar for Richard’s consumption. He filled the biggest cup he could find two-thirds of the way up, and then opened the cabinet, selecting an espresso shot from the shelf. It proclaimed in bright red letters: “WARNING HIGH CAFFIENE. LIMIT 2 PER DAY”. Richard laughed a little as he dumped four of them into his coffee

~ Alexander Ferrick

I always say a little prayer when I put cakes in the oven,” remarked Eve, as she stopped to kiss Rose good-bye.“What do you say?”“I say, ‘Please, God, don’t let me forget I’ve put that cake in the oven.

~ Hilary Mckay

There was one floor that was all gynecologists. They could tell by the remnants of weird optical contraptions- all the convoluted tools men use when they're searching for the source of their anxieties.

~ Carl Watson

When people say there is no place like home, the first to agree are the homeless.

~ J.r. Rim

Suddenly, she employed those very English weapons: devious good manners and a rapid change of subject.

~ Patricia Duncker

Everyone Deserves An Equal Footing.

~ R.e. Conary

You say ‘cure.’ I hear ‘you’re not human enough.

~ John Scalzi

There are fascinating possibilities in this situation. I'd get it down on paper if I were you.

~ Joe Orton

Either help or give up. Right now devil's advocate is just another name for asshole.

~ James S.a. Corey

... the novel, arguably the author's best, had a disquieting power, like a sleeping crocodile.

~ Roberto Bolaño

Marcus and Ellie exchanged a worried look and examined the bag again. Sure enough, the gold was gone.

~ Justin Swapp

I think you'll find that I'm qualified to deal with practically everything, if I choose. That last part, of course, is essential. --Devyn DuChien

~ Chris Pavesic

Sometimes, to fix something, you need to completely ruin something else

~ Evan Gans

We can get you a throne with snakes. I’ll stand next to you and roar at anybody who fails to grovel. Fear Kate Daniels. She is a mighty and terrible ruler. Grendel can anoint the petitioners with his vomit. It’ll be great . . .

~ Ilona Andrews

You ought to give up detecting and try fantasy writing, Strike

~ Robert Galbraith

Doakes had a first name! It was Albert - had anyone ever really called him that? Unthinkable. I had assumed his name was Sergeant.

~ Jeff Lindsay

The next morning I had Twentieth-Century American Poetry at MCC. This old woman gave a lecture wherein she managed to talk for ninety minutes about Sylvia Plath without ever once quoting a single word of Sylvia Plath.

~ John Green

Wrath: look at how their folklore portrays our species. There's Dracula for Christ's sake, an evil bloodsucker who preys on the defenseless. There's piss-poor B movies and porn. And don't get me started on the whole Halloween thing. Plastic fangs. Black capes. The only thing the idiots got right are that we drink blood and that we can't go out in daylight. The rest is bullshit, fabricated to alienate us and stimulate fear in the masses. Or just as offensive, the fiction used to create some kind of mystique for bored humans who think the dark side is a fun place to visit.

~ J.r. Ward

All of which does not alter the fact that Pnin was on the wrong train.

~ Vladimir Nabokov

What I'am learning is the world laughs through its ass every day, then just lies double-time when shit goes down. It's like we're on a Pritikin diet of fucken lies. I mean - what kind of fucken life is this?

~ D.b.c. Pierre