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David Sedaris Quotes

David Sedaris quote from classy quote

Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto.

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Humor

Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Humor Perception Retardation

Like all of my friends, she's a lousy judge of character.

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Friends Humor

We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail.

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Affection Alcohol Drinking Emotion Humor

If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever.

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Humor

Every day we're told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it's always stated as an undeniable fact: Leos are born between July 23 and August 22, fitted queen-size sheets measure sixty by eighty inches, and America is the greatest country on earth. Having grown up with this in our ears, it's startling to realize that other countries have nationalistic slogans of their own, none of which are 'We're number two!

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Humor Nationalism

For the first twenty years of my life, I rocked myself to sleep. It was a harmless enough hobby, but eventually, I had to give it up. Throughout the next twenty-two years I lay still and discovered that after a few minutes I could drop off with no problem. Follow seven beers with a couple of scotches and a thimble of good marijuana, and it’s funny how sleep just sort of comes on its own. Often I never even made it to the bed. I’d squat down to pet the cat and wake up on the floor eight hours later, having lost a perfectly good excuse to change my clothes. I’m now told that this is not called “going to sleep” but rather “passing out,” a phrase that carries a distinct hint of judgment.

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Alcohol Drinking Humor

At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loaded wastepaper basket and tell myself that if I failed, at least I took a few trees down with me.

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Humor Technology Typewriters

Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit?

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Fashion Humor Self Doubt Self Worth

Hugh consoled me, saying, Don't let it get to you. There are plenty of things you're good at.When asked for some examples, he listed vacuuming and naming stuffed animals. He says he can probably come up with a few more, but he'll need some time to think.

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Humor Iq Smart Talent

Kools and Newports were for black people and lower-class whites. Camels were for procrastinators, those who wrote bad poetry, and those who put off writing bad poetry. Merits were for sex addicts, Salems were for alcoholics, and Mores were for people who considered themselves to be outrageous but really weren't.

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Humor Smoking Stereotypes

Oh, for Christ's sake,' I hear. 'Can we please just try to have a good time?' This is like ordering someone to find you attractive, and it doesn't work. I've tried it.

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Attraction Humor

My hands tend to be full enough dealing with people who hate me for who I am. Concentrate too hard on the millions of people who hate you for what you are and you're likely to turn into one of those unkempt, sloppy dressers who sag beneath the weight of the two hundred political buttons they wear pinned to their coats and knapsacks.

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Acceptance Hatred Self Worth Truth

All I do is lie, and that has made me immune to compliments.

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Humor Truth

Hugh and I have been together for so long that in order to arouse extraordinary passion, we need to engage in physical combat. Once, he hit me on the back of the head with a broken wineglass, and I fell to the floor pretending to be unconscious. That was romantic, or would have been had he rushed to my side rather than stepping over my body to fetch the dustpan.

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Fighting Relationships Romance Sex

The landscape is best described as 'pedestrian hostile.' It's pointless to try to take a walk, so I generally just stay in the room and think about shooting myself in the head.

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Death Hotels Humor

A good [short story] would take me out of myself and then stuff me back in, outsized, now, and uneasy with the fit.

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Reading Self Awareness Short Stories Writing

but I have no mind for business and considered staying awake to be enough of an accomplishment.

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Humor Inspiration Lazy Motivation Work Ethic

The rabbit of Easter. He bring of the chocolate.

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Funny Holidays Religion

There seemed to be some correlation between devotion to God and a misguided zeal for marshmallows.

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Marshmallows Naked Religion

He die one day, and then he go above of my head to live with your father.He weared the long hair, and after he died, the first day he come back here for to say hello to the peoples.He nice, the Jesus.

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Humor Religion

I'm dating myself, but this was before Jesus Christ. We worshiped a God named Sashatiba, who had five eyes, including one on the Adam's apple.

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Humorous Religion

When asked What do we need to learn this for? any high-school teacher can confidently answer that, regardless of the subject, the knowledge will come in handy once the student hits middle age and starts working crossword puzzles in order to stave off the terrible loneliness.

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Education

I hate you' she said to me one afternoon. 'I really, really hate you.' Call me sensitive, but I couldn't help but take it personally.

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Funny Hate Sensitive

The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing you to smoke. They seem to think that one day you'll look back and thank them for those precious fifteen seconds they just added to your life. What they don't understand is that those are just fifteen more seconds you can spend hating their guts and plotting revenge.

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Funny Humor Joke Vindictive

The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as long as you keep telling yourself, I want to love, I want to live...

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Cleaning Funny Humor Joke

Owl love you forever

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Card Funny Humer

Faced with an exciting question, science tended to provide the dullest possible answer.

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Humor Science

I attributed their behavior to the fact that they didn't have a TV, but television didn't teach you everything. Asking for candy on Halloween was called trick-or-treating, but asking for candy on November first was called begging, and it made people uncomfortable. This was one of the things you were supposed to learn simply by being alive, and it angered me that the Tomkeys did not understand it.

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Humor Humour

On Undecided Voter​s: To put them in perspective, I think​ of being​ on an airplane.​ The flight attendant comes​ down the aisle​ with her food cart and, eventually,​ parks​ it beside my seat.​ “Can I inter​est you in the chick​en?​” she asks.​ “Or would​ you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broke​n glass​ in it?”To be undecided in this elect​ion is to pause​ for a moment and then ask how the chick​en is cooked.

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Obama Politics Undecided Vote Voters

After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations.

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Art Conceptual Art Crystal Meth Drugs

A week after my drugs ran out, I left my bed to perform at the college, deciding at the last minute to skip both the doughnut toss and the march of the headless plush toys. Instead, I just heated up a skillet of plastic soldiers, poured a milkshake over my head and called it a night.

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Art Humor

I've become like one of those people I hate, the sort who go to the museum and, instead of looking at the magnificent Brueghel, take a picture of it, reducing it from art to proof. It's not Look what Brueghel did, painted this masterpiece but Look what I did, went to Rotterdam and stood in front of a Brueghel painting!

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Art Brueghel Museums Proof

Mr. Mancini had a singular talent for making me uncomfortable. He forced me to consider things I’d rather not think about – the sex of my guitar, for instance. If I honestly wanted to put my hands on a woman, would that automatically mean I could play? Gretchen’s teacher never told her to think of her piano as a boy. Neither did Lisa’s flute teacher, though in that case the analogy was obvious. On the off chance that sexual desire was all it took, I steered clear of Lisa’s instrument, fearing that I might be labeled a prodigy.

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Humor Music

Across town, over in the East Village, the graffiti was calling for the rich to be eaten, imprisoned, or taxed out of existence. Though it sometimes seemed like a nice idea, I hoped the revolution would not take place during my lifetime. I didn't want the rich to go away until I could at least briefly join their ranks.

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Money

Certain motherfuckers think they can fuck with my shit, but you can't kill the Rooster. You might can fuck him up some times, but, bitch, nobody kills the motherfucking Rooster. You know what I'm saying?

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Family Perseverance Rooster Self Preservation

For as long as I can remember, my father saved. He saves money, he saves disfigured sticks that resemble disfigured celebrities, and most of all, he saves food. Cherry tomatoes, sausage biscuits, the olives plucked from other people's martinis --he hides these things in strange places until they are rotten. And then he eats them.

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Cheapness Family Food Packrat Strangeness

The only bright spot in the entire evening was the presence of Kevin Tubby Matchwell, the eleven-year-old porker who tackled the role of Santa with a beguiling authenticity. The false beard tended to muffle his speech, but they could hear his chafing thighs all the way to the North Pole.

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Children Christmas Humor Santa

I don’t know why it was, exactly, but nothing irritated my father quite like the sound of his children’s happiness. Group crying, he could stand, but group laughing was asking for it, especially at the dinner table.

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Children Crying Laughter

The word phobic has its place when properly used, but lately it's been declawed by the pompous insistence that most animosity is based upon fear rather than loathing.... I hate computers. My hatred is entrenched, and I nourish it daily. I'm comfortable with it, and no community outreach program will change my mind.

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Hate Psychology
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