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Humor Quotes

Humor quote from classy quote

I have the whole team just around the block! One call and they'll ride in here like cavalry! Riding on... robots! Giant robots! Well, not giant robots, like in Egan, but... but... big enough robots!

~ Dennis Liggio

Dennis Liggio Bluff Bluffing Humor Humorous Quotes Robots

Embrace tomfoolery as if it were a rich relative on his deathbed.

~ Barb Best

Barb Best Humor Humorous Quotes

Wealth and intelligence should not be categorized as relatives.

~ K.r. Royal

K.r. Royal Humor Humorous Quotes Wealth Quotes

She turned to Stephanie. I'm going to the bathroom. You coming? Yes, since women have to travel in pairs. Tonya chuckled. Once that were around the corner, Stephanie pounced. Holy crap! I've never seen you like that before. Not that I ever had the chance, but holy shit, Tonya, you need to jump on this train. I think it's coming for you whether you want it to or not.

~ K.d. Williamson

K.d. Williamson Humor Humorous Quotes

...Rusty followed. “You should probably pull out your gun. Whatever is in there made enough noise to make me believe it wasn’t a bug.” Kirsten’s stride faltered, and she came to a stop at the door. “Okay, I’m gonna come clean right now. I cannot stand rats or mice. Snakes scare me less. So if I get in there and I see a furry vermin, I will scream like a little girl. If you tell anyone you witnessed that, I will ticket you every time you pull out of your driveway. Are we clear?” “Are you sure you don’t want me to go to the store?” Kirsten met Rusty’s gaze. “Are you clear on what I just said?” “Yep.

~ Robin Alexander

Robin Alexander Humor Humorous Quotes

...Bryan pumped his fist. “Stakeout! Will I be in plain clothes?” “Wear whatever you want as long as it’s dark,” Kirsten answered with a smile. “Permission to get snacks for my stakeout, ma’am!” Bryan said loudly as he sprung to attention.

~ Robin Alexander

Robin Alexander Humor Humorous Quotes

...I think I saw something orange pass beneath a streetlight. That means she turned the corner on Pecan Street. Wait right here, and I’ll get my car.” Stella grabbed Mona’s arm. “There’s no time. Follow me and keep your mouth shut.” Instead of going to the street, Stella crept through a yard. “This is crazy, I can’t see a thing. Stella, we could break a leg.” “I told you to be quiet. I know these yards as well as I know my own. Stay behind me.” She led Mona behind a large azalea bush close to the sidewalk. They hid there as Rusty approached, and she was almost on top of them when Mona sneezed. Rusty stopped, put her hands on her hips, and said, “I know you’re in there.” Neither Stella nor Mona made a peep. “I think I understand why you feel the need to watch me. I’m new around here, so let me introduce myself. My name is Rusty Martinez. I’m a businesswoman, and I have no intention of breaking into anyone’s home. I’m simply out for exercise, so you have nothing to worry about.” “Okay, well, you have a nice night,” Mona said cheerily. Rusty recoiled at the response. “Um…you too,” she said quickly and jogged away. Stella groaned. “Your mother obviously didn’t teach you how to properly conduct a mission, did she?” “If you mean how to hide in a bush, then no.

~ Robin Alexander

Robin Alexander Humor Humorous Quotes

...Stella’s tiny butt stuck in the air as she stretched to reach a weed. She was wearing a pair of jeans and a button-down pink and white checked shirt that was tucked into the elastic waistband of her pants. She reminded Rusty of an elf. “Excuse me, Stella?” “You stop right there if you have trouble on your mind. As you can see, I have plenty of birds, and I’ll knock you out with one of them,” Stella said without looking up. Rusty wanted to say that she’d yank up her own plastic flamingo and work Stella over with it in a heartbeat. Instead, she took a calming breath and said, “I made something you might like to have.” “If it’s a grenade launcher, I’m listening, Achmed.

~ Robin Alexander

Robin Alexander Humor Humorous Quotes

I believe you to be strictly honorable.'He thoughtfully emptied his cup. 'I wish I could add you were intelligent,' he went on, knocking on his head with his knuckles.

~ Robert Louis Stevenson

Robert Louis Stevenson Humor Humorous Quotes

I made a noise of disgust, and I think I would have stormed out if I knew how to open the door.

~ Ash Gray

Ash Gray Funny Quotes Humor Humorous Quotes

As far as he was concerned, there were only two all-important laws on earth:1. Don’t murder people.2. Never swear in front of Lilly.

~ Hannah Heath

Hannah Heath Christian Dystopian Christian Fiction Hannah Heath Humor Humorous Quotes Skies Of Dripping Gold

Aging gracefully - A concept that is rejected in 40s, but gracefully accepted in 50s...

~ Sandhya Jane

Sandhya Jane Aging Aging Gracefully Aging Quotes Humor Humorous Quotes Sandhya Jane

This bastard is so guilty he already has his lawyer here.

~ Kevin Hearne

Kevin Hearne Humor Humorous Quotes Iron Druid Chronicles

Aging gracefully - A that is rejected in 40s, but gracefully accepted in 50s...

~ Sandhya Jane

Sandhya Jane Aging Aging Gracefully Aging Quotes Humor Humorous Quotes

Kloo nodded at Lex in an indescribably maternal way, somehow cramming a lifetime of compassion, support, and tenderness all into one slight bounce of the head.

~ Gina Damico

Gina Damico Humor Humorous Quotes

Writing something new is an effective way to get rid of writer's block. Or you can observe the people around you and fantasize like I do.

~ B.a. Gabrielle

B.a. Gabrielle Humor Humorous Quotes Writers Block Writing

The pig was so earnest. So sincere. So very “there.” The pig brought gravity and mythic import to this well-worn fairy tale.

~ Robert Fulghum

Robert Fulghum Cinderella Humor Humorous Quotes

When people ask how old I am, I just tell them twenty-one, and if they assume I mean years instead of decades or centuries, then that can't be my fault, can it?

~ Kevin Hearne

Kevin Hearne Humor Humorous Quotes

At the dockside I was pleasantly surprised to find the North wasn't all hairy men in animal skins. There was also hairy women in animal skins.

~ Mark Lawrence

Mark Lawrence Humor Humorous Quotes Prince Of Fools

The P-38 WWII Nazi handgun looks comical lying on the breakfast table next to a bowl of oatmeal.

~ Matthew Quick

Matthew Quick Humor Humor Quotes Humorous Quotes

Orange is the New Black is a really boring porn.

~ Mitty Walters

Mitty Walters Dudes Duh Guy Talk Humor Humorous Quotes

After a few more minutes of daydreaming about how fabulous I could become, I look down at the heading on my paper: Janey's Reinvention Plan. It appears lonely at the top of the page. I should probably add some bullets beneath, but I've never been much of a list maker.

~ J.c. Patrick

J.c. Patrick Humor Humorous Quotes Reinvention

I'm overweight, despise change, and rarely, if ever, initiate anything. Unlike my friends, I’ve had no drama in my life which might qualify as box office material. If a little more drama came my way, however, I would probably need to purchase some courage in order to withstand it. Oh well, if a bit of change equals a bit of drama, I’m willing to risk it.

~ J.c. Patrick

J.c. Patrick Humor Humorous Quotes Inspirational Quotes Reinvention

Professional is an apt definition for me, professional slouch, that is. I can be very professional at seeming to do work, but the real work is trying to do as little as possible, without getting caught by Trip or any nosey busybodies.

~ J.c. Patrick

J.c. Patrick Humor Humorous Quotes Inspirational Quotes Reinvention

I guess 'joint' would imply two people had ownership, which, thanks Life, is simply no longer the case.

~ Ann Benjamin

Ann Benjamin Humor Humorous Quotes Widow Widowhood

I can't seem to recall if I've ever had amnesia before.

~ Stewart Lee Beck

Stewart Lee Beck Humor Humorous Quotations Humorous Quotes

My partner and I were going to renew our vowels, but the consonants revolted.

~ Stewart Lee Beck

Stewart Lee Beck Humor Humorous Quotations Humorous Quotes Linguistics

Is it a lucky break if you get run over by an ambulance?

~ Stewart Lee Beck

Stewart Lee Beck Humor Humorous Quotations Humorous Quotes

In other words, he was the tree in the forest that silently fell--when no one was around to be crushed.

~ Kresley Cole

Kresley Cole Humor Humorous Quotes

But Princess Magnolia wore glass slippers on weekdays. Princess Magnolia was afraid of snails. Sunlight made Princess Magnolia sneeze. And at the moment, the Princess in Black was hog-tying a monster.

~ Shannon Hale

Shannon Hale Cute Humor Humorous Quotes

They tell you the devil is in the details…what they don’t tell you is that he’s laughing maniacally.

~ Brian L. Tucker

Brian L. Tucker Humor Humorous Quotes Inspirational Life Lessons

I have no flaws, I'm perfect at being imperfect.

~ Krystyna Faroe

Krystyna Faroe Flaws Humor Humorous Quotes Humour Imperfect

Tonight sucked my dad said and I started to laugh hearing him say that. What? He smiled at me. Isn't that the slang you kids are using? The lingo? Do I sound hip?I just shook my head. The only hip I hear is the sound of yours breaking.

~ Robin Benway

Robin Benway Humor Humorous Quotes

Deep down, he's shallow.

~ Peter De Vries

Peter De Vries Humor Humorous Quotations Humorous Quotes Wit Witticisms Witty Quotations Witty Quotes

They say you can judge a person by their book, but I say they will hide under the covers.

~ Mozaiah Thompson

Mozaiah Thompson Book Quotes Books Humor Humorous Quotes

To all the ladies: I don't like to be in ladies who judges you by every joke you made, sometimes I do good sometimes bad, don't laugh for me laugh for yourself if you really got it.; Otherwise I'm pretty happy with my own version. ;)

~ Jayesh Varma

Jayesh Varma Humor Humorous Quotes Ladies

Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

~ Peter De Vries

Peter De Vries Humor Humorous Quotations Humorous Quotes

If You Lose Your Keys, At Least It's Better Than Losing Your Car.

~ Edward Harris

Edward Harris Funny Quotes Humor Humorous Quotes

There are stranger things out there than flying pigs.

~ Jane Tara

Jane Tara Humor Humorous Quotes Inspirational

I'll share my life with you. But, not my doughnuts.

~ Crystal Woods

Crystal Woods Breakfast Coffee Cohabitation Donuts Dunkin Donuts Endearing Humor Humorous Quotes Life Love Mornings Sharing
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