Humor Quotes

if any of your body parts become detached due to an unfortunate encounter with a crank, I highly advise you leave said body part behind and run like hell. Unless it's a leg, of course.

~ James Dashner

Better days are coming! They're called Saturday and Sunday.

~ Karen Salmansohn

Water is the most essential element in life, because without it you can't make coffee.

~ Karen Salmansohn

Don’t think you’re some kind of snowflake, suit guy. I’m a bitch to everyone.

~ Magan Vernon

Wisdom of the Ages: Government Like a mafia protection racket-without the protection.

~ Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: National Symbol With the preponderance of lawyers, banksters, arms, drug and tobacco dealers in our government, shouldn't our national symbol be changed from the eagle to the vulture?

~ Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: Brian Williams Week Just like me in 2003, it looks like Brian Williams ended up Between Iraq and a Hard Place.

~ Matthew Heines

I don't know what effect these men will have upon the enemy, but, by God, they frighten me.

~ Arthur Wellesley

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: Marshawn Lynch Not really shy. Still extremely embarrassed he believed you can't be charged for beating up on large groups of people-as long as you are carrying a football.

~ Matthew D. Heines

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: Tom Brady's balls Nothing more than a publicity stunt to keep the NFL Network from losing San Francisco's market share.

~ Matthew Heines

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: Unger Games If your meals depend on you beating the Seahawks, you're gonna go 'Unger-y.

~ Matthew Heines

Special Post-Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: Eating Crow This year, it just tastes like Seahawk.

~ Matthew Heines

Mr. Morrow, IOI owns this network... Of course they do! Morrow shouted gleefully. 'The own practically everything! Including you, pretty boy! I mean did they tattoo a UPC code on your ass when they hired you to sit there and spout their corporate propaganda?

~ Ernest Cline

Lucian. She's not normal. She's got the sex drive of Ursula. I'm so ashamed to say I've faked illnesses and gone to the doctor just to have a doctor's excuse! ~Steve~

~ Lucian Bane

I do not do free e-books. I occasionally like to eat that thing you people call food.

~ Carla H. Krueger

I would rather write a book without a title if my true friend chooses to live in a million dollar home in London and acts foreign.

~ Duop Chak Wuol

Sorry, maybe this is the head injury talking, but … what?

~ Stacey Kade

You know, in some cultures, when you save someone's life, you're then responsible for it.Allison thought about telling him she'd seen the same movie and was pretty sure the claim was bogus. Instead, she offered her own bit of nonsense. In some cultures, saving a life is considered an interference with fate and is punishable by death.

~ Elle Todd

I’d like to THANK the genius who saw a bunch of cherries and thought....HEY!! If I dry out a bunch of those berry seeds, call them “BEANS”, smash them and add hot water, it will be AWESOME!!!!

~ Tanya Masse

If that phone ain't ringing, I assume it still ain't you Randy Travis

~ Carole Townsend

Someone has opened the flood gates of stupidity...

~ Anthony Feinman

If life takes you long way, take a shortcut!

~ Baba

You pay for that,” he told Ian as he hopped off the hood. “You pay for that, now.”Ian and Peter ignored him, circling around the car. The passenger jumped out and ran off at a sprint, as if the very hounds of hell were nipping at his heels. The taxi driver watched him go and stamped his foot in rage. “You pay for him, too,” he yelled at the men, seething in anger.

~ Rose Wynters

She meant to write: Is Christy here yet?Auto Correct turned it into: Is crazy here yet?For once Auto Correct got it right.

~ Christy Hall

I mean. You put puppies in a store front, I will stop and giddily stare. Every. Single. Time.

~ Christy Hall

You know you're officially an adult when you finally understand WHY Miss Hannigan was drinking bath water.

~ Christy Hall

Q: Best part about being a musical theatre book writer?A: Explaining what that is.

~ Christy Hall

If I were to be honest, I'm probably fifty percent bagel. Okay, fine, sixty percent.

~ Christy Hall

They want your sons.”“My–? But I don’t… ew!

~ Deb E. Howell

Thank goodness it only lasted a minute or so.The inhalant, that is. The sex was rather longer

~ Belle De Jour

If all else fails, stop drop and roll..works for me..:)

~ Melissa Mercer

I apply for a new job twice a week, every week. I am applying for the position of millionaire but so far my numbers haven't come up.

~ Brian Randleas

Instead of hopping around like a wild in'jun on fire, try counting from 10 backwards while hopping on one foot.

~ R. Alan Woods

Sharks to not eat Chinese people because they get hungry thirty minutes later.

~ R. Alan Woods

He shook his head. “Did you tell him he should expand the Odessa-Brody oil pipeline up to Poland?”I smiled. “Yes. Yes, I did. You should definitely expand the pipeline. Think of all the money you could make if you sold your oil to the EU. You could build a whole new children’s hospital and a research center. You’d have enough money to buy real toilets for the university so women don’t have to crouch over those holes in the floor.” I shook my head. “I’d like to see you try that in five inch heels!

~ K.s. Ruff

The afternoon's glory was tainted by the voice on the other end. I was so very sorry not to have the pleasure of meeting you, Mr. Haines. You're not living up to your part of the bargain.

~ Davis Bunn

Whatever the unknown in Europe, it had to be better than the known in a small town, where truth was hidden behind smiles, pleasantries, and an abundance of stretch lace at weddings. Whatever, the yet-to-be-written truth about her own life, it seemed certain to be waiting elsewhere on a blank page, somewhere people made no attempt to predict the future based upon a person's past. Quote from: A Summer Abroad, Mrs. Duchesney's First Real Mysteryc. 2013 Peggy Kopman-Owens

~ Peggy Kopman-Owens

There were many, many debts to be paid before she left Rifthold and took back her throne. Starting now. Fortunate that she was in a killing sort of mood.

~ Sarah J. Maas

They all laughed when I said I'd become a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

~ Bob Monkhouse

I've decided that I'm going to collect as many spiders in a jar as I can and then pour them all over you, William Flecter. Seeing as how it's good to face your fears.

~ Sharon Biggs Waller