Humour Quotes

Did you slip in some cheese? Did it make you hate cheese, which you had previously loved? Why not sue a cheese-maker? Sue him for all the cheese he's got, drive him out of the cheese-making business!Did you burn your face with an iron? Why not sue Prometheus, the god that invented fire? Or an Iron Age chieftain, for having the temerity to popularise the metal.

~ Stewart Lee

Did you just seriously quote Grease? I think I'm gonna have to revoke your man card.

~ Elizabeth Sharp

I told her about the time that I got so tired of you stealing the sheets that in my sleep-weary logic I decided that the thing to do was to tie them around my legs, knot and all, and how, when you attempted to steal them that night, you ended up yanking me into you, and I was so startled that I sprang up, tripped, and was nearly concussed.

~ David Levithan

Hells yeah. You kidding? Gay men are hot.

~ Rachel West

I should say we’d reach England by Tuesday or thereabouts, with a decent wind behind us. It would be a lot quicker than that if we could just sail straight there, but I was looking at the nautical charts, and there’s a dirty great sea serpent right in the middle of the ocean! It has a horrible gaping maw and one of those scaly tails that looks like it could snap a boat clean in two. So I thought it best to sail around that.’FitzRoy frowned. ‘I think they just draw those on maps to add a bit of decoration. It doesn’t actually mean there’s a sea serpent there.’The galley went rather quiet. A few of the pirate crew stared intently out of the portholes, embarrassed at their Captain’s mistake. But to everyone’s relief, instead of running somebody through, the Pirate Captain just narrowed his eyes thoughtfully.That explains a lot,’ he said. ‘I suppose it’s also why we’ve never glimpsed that giant compass in the corner of the Atlantic. I have to say, I’m a little disappointed.

~ Gideon Defoe

If you can put this book down, it means you need more coffee and less sleep. After all, sleep is for the weak which is why I get 8 hours every night and 2 hours during the day and drink de-cafe.

~ Leviak B. Kelly

She recalled him as a forceful and witty speaker with a ready repartee and a penetrating voice. He had once, for example, put down a spokesman for the pesticide industry with a remark that people still quoted at parties: And I presume on the eighth day God called you and said, 'I changed my mind about insects!

~ John Brunner

Our Euripides the human,With his droppings of warm tears,and his touchings of things common Till they rose to meet the spheres.

~ Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Yes, sir, there are things to see and do on the French Riviera without spending money.

~ Robert A. Heinlein

In peacetime some sort of introduction is generally required to make a person's acquaintance, in war a small eatable will perform the same office.

~ Susanna Clarke

Red sky at night, the city's alight.

~ Terry Pratchett

Love is like a lost fart. If you have to force it, it's probably shit.

~ Stephen K. Amos

I asked my publisher what would happen if he sold all the copies of my book he'd printed. He said I'll just print another ten.

~ Eric Sykes

There is nothing we can now call our own, for what we call so is the effect of art; crimes are made by decrees of the senate, or by the votes of the people; and as here-to-fore we are burdened by vices, so now we are oppressed by laws.

~ Blaise Pascal

Madness has no sense of humour

~ Adam Foulds

It is not true that the English invented cricket as a way of making all other human endeavors look interesting and lively, that was merely an unintended side effect.

~ Bill Bryson

I didn't feel strong. I felt like a big ball of wuss that wanted to curl up in my bed and never get out.

~ Diane Castle

Ladies, we are at a massive disadvantage in the workplace. Your male peers are flirting with their male bosses constantly. The average workplace is like f*cking Bromancing the Stone. That’s basically what male bonding is. Flirting. They’re flirting with each other playing golf, they’re flirting with each other going to the football, they’re flirting with each other chatting at the urinals – and, sadly, flirting with each other in after-hours visits to strip clubs and pubs. They are bonding with each other over their biological similarities. If the only way you can bond with them is over your biological differences, you go for it. Feel pressurised to actually f*ck them if you do? Then don’t flirt. Find it an easy way to just crack on? Then crack on – and don’t blame other women for doing it.

~ Caitlin Moran

Oh, measure it all out! Acceptable levels of misery and suffering!' The cane swung down, thumped hard on the ground. 'Acceptable? Who the fuck says any level is acceptable? What sort of mind thinks that?'Karsa grinned, 'Why, a civilized one.''Indeed!' Shadowthrone turned to Cotillion. 'And you doubted this one!

~ Steven Erikson

Lord Teddie? she said. Will you stay for

~ Heather Dixon

Don't turn blue all over now.

~ Amish Tripathi

Hey! Jack the Wanker! Over here! I want your autograph!

~ Maureen Johnson

lectures broke into one's day and were clearly a terrible waste of time, necessary no doubt if you were reading law or medicine or some other vocational subject, but in the case of English, the natural thing to do was talk a lot, listen to music, drink coffee and wine, read books, and go to plays, perhaps be in plays…

~ Stephen Fry

It was the list of activities thing. Like the menu with price, only I'm not the restaurant; I'm the meal.

~ Damon Suede

I can't believe she's lived this long. God must be avoiding her.

~ Brian Francis

Your king is SUPPOSED to explode? What kind of government system is that?

~ Jefferson Smith

No, General. I'm not your subordinate. And what I'm coming dangerously close to is violence.-General Wedge Antilles

~ Aaron Allston

For the first time since he showed up in my checkout lane, I let my eyes wander the full length of his body. The bulge in his running down the side of his pants leg is quite noticeable; either he has a banana in his pocket, or he’s happy to see me. Then I notice a similar bulge running down the side of his other pants leg. Either he has two bananas in his pockets, or he has two erections.

~ Andrew Shaffer

Stop playing hard to getI'm hard to get. I'm not playing.

~ G.a. Hauser

I know it’s not the right thing to say to a lady, miss, but you are sweating like a pig!My mother always said that horses sweat, men perspire, and ladies merely glow…Is that so? Well, miss, you are glowing like a pig!

~ Terry Pratchett

I suppose I’ll have to clean up Freddy’s brains; I hate to leave a mess for the home owners. Hand me that plastic bag; I need to put it over his head to keep him from leaking. Oh, relax, Freddy; I’ll tear an airhole for you.” - Mercer

~ Rachel Caine

one blow in anger [would] kill, probably, a child from aged two to eight. Those over eight would take two blows to kill.

~ Patricia Highsmith

Oh Mokona, you're such a tease! ~Fai D. Flowright

~ Clamp

As Samson demonstrated, going bald ruins lives.

~ Brendan Jack

I tried to speak, to tell Kit I wasn't dead. No sound came out. But I managed to lift one arm a few inches and execute a tiny wave. Hello, still alive. In a fuck ton of pain, but not dead.

~ Sonya Bateman

What's the rule for fighting? Hit the soft parts with your hand and the hard parts with a utensil?

~ Kaje Harper

If he speaks again without me knowing who he is, I will throw him out of the window. And I won't open it first.

~ Dan Abnett

Someone has to do it. It's all very well calling for eye of newt, but do you mean Common, Spotted or Great Crested? Which eye, anyway? Will tapioca do just as well? If we substitute egg white will the spell a) work b) fail or c) melt the bottom out of the cauldron? Goodie Whemper's curiosity about such things was huge and insatiable*.* Nearly insatiable. It was probably satiated in her last flight to test whether a broomstick could survive having its bristles pulled out one by one in mid-air. According to the small black raven she had trained as a flight recorder, the answer was almost certainly no.

~ Terry Pratchett

The dwarfs can turn lead into gold...It reached the pointy ears of the dwarfs.-Can we?-Damned if I know. I can't.-Yeah, but if you could, you wouldn't say. I wouldn't say, if I could.-Can you?-No!-Ah-ha!

~ Terry Pratchett

All I really, really want to do is find a very, very fine chocolate store that I can walk into and then figure out how in the world one manages to pick out just a few chocolates out of all those very many chocolates! If I am one day able to walk into a fine chocolate store and know for certain which chocolates I want, when that happens, I will believe myself to be accomplished!

~ C. Joybell C.