Humour Quotes

He lies down next to me.He says, 'You know - you have a face to die for/''Well, don't die,' I say, we just met.

~ Gwendoline Riley

Hello, IT... Have you tried turning it off and on again?... OK, well, the button on the side. Is it glowing?... Yeah, you need to turn it on.... Err, the button turns it on.... Yeah, you do know how a button works, don't you?... No, not on clothes... I'm sorry, are you from the past?

~ Graham Linehan

Never say a humorous thing to a man who does not possess humor. He will always use it in evidence against you.

~ Herbert Beerbohm Tree

You're Ma's own blood son, but did she take on that time Tony Fontaine shot you in the leg? No, she just sent for old Doc Fontaine to dress it and asked the doctor what ailed Tony's aim. Said she guessed the licker was spoiling his marksmanship.

~ Margaret Mitchell

The world is not full of crazy ninja perfume ladies!

~ Elisa Paige

When the bishop farted we were amused to hear about it. Should the ploughboy find treasure we must be told. But when the ploughboy farts... er... keep it to yourself.

~ Kingsley Amis

You cannot, it seems, let children run about the streets. People who have seen them running wild in Russia say that the sight is not a pleasant one.

~ Virginia Woolf

When someone uses the phrase ‘the prick one’, and you know immediately that this is a synonym for the word ‘metaphorically’, you are entitled to wonder whether you know the speaker too well. You are even entitled to wonder whether you should know her at all.

~ Nick Hornby

Please Note:Although it is true that some havebeen captured; we would like toassure you that no thoughts, orimages, have been harmed during the making of this book.

~ Clive Blake

Is this one of those days where we all stalk out in fury? Because I simply haven't got the energy for it.

~ Cassandra Clare

There was this other apocalypse this one time. And, well, I took off. But this time, I don't... I don't know. Well, what's different? Well, I guess I was kinda new to being around humans before. And now I've seen a lot more, gotten to know people, seen what they're capable of and I guess I just realize how amazingly... screwed up they all are. I mean, really, really screwed up in a monumental fashion. Oh. And they have no purpose that unites them, so they just drift around, blundering through life until they die. Which they-they know is coming, yet every single one of them is surprised when it happens to them. They're incapable of thinking about what they want beyond the moment. They kill each other, which is clearly insane, and yet, here's the thing. When it's something that really matters, they fight. I mean, they're lame morons for fighting. But they do. They never... They never quit. And so I guess I will keep fighting, too.

~ Joss Whedon

Your mother was a hero. She developed a spell for gnomeatic fever. And she was the youngest headmaster in Watford history.”Baz is looking at Penny like they’ve never met.“And,” Penny goes on, “she defended your father in three duels before he accepted her proposal.”“That sounds barbaric,” I say.“It was traditional,” Baz says.“It was brilliant,” Penny says. “I’ve read the minutes.”“Where?” Baz asks her.“We have them in our library at home,” she says “My dad loves marriage rites. Any sort of family magic, actually. He and my mother are bound together in five dimensions.

~ Rainbow Rowell

Don’t kill her! Only maim her a little!

~ Cassandra Clare

Mercy', Finnikin said, grinning from ear to ear. 'We're going to have a bed full of children and I'll have to holler out to my wife, Hello there! It's been a long time since we last spoke!

~ Melina Marchetta

Here is a man whose life and actions the world has already condemned - yet whose enormous fortune...has already brought him acquittal!

~ Marcus Tullius Cicero

Langdon turned to Sophie. Who is that? What... happened?Teabing hobbled over. You were rescued by a knight brandishing an Excalibur made by Acme Orthopedic.

~ Dan Brown

I was very surprised when last I bought a packet of cigarettes and had to request a refund as I read a warning that told me smoking can cause fatal lung cancer.

~ Robert Clark

And I’m stubborn, if you want absolute obedience, get a Labrador.

~ Suzanne Wright

...some men say get them crying on your shoulder and you have the sheets half-unfurled already. Other fellows say get them laughing. I say get them drunk. I ordered up more Riesling...

~ Stewart Hennessey

Oh my God. Party punch. He’d brought a woman with the social age of twelve to the Citadel. He deserved everything he got.

~ Annabel Joseph

I began to feel like a kept man and it felt great.

~ Charles Bukowski

Just think, she said to herself. I could be living on the Right Bank. I could be married to a senior clerk at the Treasury. I could be sitting with my feet up, embroidering a linen handkerchief with a rambling-rose design. Instead I'm on the rue des Cordeliers in pursuit of a baguette, with a three-inch blade for comfort.

~ Hilary Mantel

Cider was my drink because I liked the taste and it made me stupid.

~ Frank Skinner

In some company it’s perfectly all right to prick your finger, but very bad form to finger your prick.

~ George Carlin

I'm thinking that I shouldn't have filed my nails last night.

~ Dara Torres

Phileas Fogg, having shut the door of his house at half-past eleven, and having put his right foot before his left five hundred and seventy-five times, and his left foot before his right five hundred and seventy-six times, reached the Reform Club

~ Jules Verne

John, let me make one thing clear,” Jim said, cutting me off in his most stern, evangelical voice. “Every man is blessed with his gifts from the Lord. One of mine happens to be a penis large enough that, if it had a penis of its own, my penis’ penis would be larger than your penis.”........Fuck all of you,” John retorted. “You don’t even exist. We’re all just a figment of my cock’s imagination.

~ David Wong

You're very lovely, gatita.Her brows pulled together, and she gave him a skeptical stare.Do not look at your master as if he's an idiot.

~ Cherise Sinclair

Now to me, Edith looks like something that would eat her young.

~ Dorothy Parker

What the eye does not see, the stomach does not get upset over

~ Jerome K. Jerome

She was heavier than he expected - women always are.

~ Sylvia Townsend Warner

REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.

~ Demetri Martin

I remembered that Beethoven's symphonies had sometimes been given names... they should have call [the Fifth] the Vampire, because it simply refused to lie down and die.

~ Alan Bradley

Okay, I guess you can come in.Um, Hannah, you have to, you know, open the front door so I can actually come in.I thought you were going to - you're standing under my window. Aren't you supposed to climb up here or something?My ladder's at home. Also, you call throwing rocks at your window clichéd?

~ Elizabeth Scott

For my last birthday, Dad bought me a pocket-sized Collins English Dictionary. It would only fit in a pocket that had been specially designed.

~ Joe Dunthorne

What the hell are you doing here? You weren't on the guest list. Hell, you people aren't on anybody's guest list. If you turned up at a funeral, the corpse would walk out on you.

~ Simon R. Green

Judging by the sounds of general panic, I want a gun like that.

~ Howard Tayler

I’m Sam Donovan.” “I know who you are. Mrs. Kulavich told me. I’m Jaine Bright.” “I know. She told me. She even told me how you spell your name.” Now, how on earth had Mrs. Kulavich known that?

~ Linda Howard

Men are scumbags until they prove they're women.

~ Robin Mellom

Bottled, was he? Said Colonel Bantry, with an Englishman's sympathy for alcoholic excess. Oh, well, can't judge a fellow by what he does when he's drunk? When I was at Cambridge, I remember I put a certain utensil - well - well, nevermind.

~ Agatha Christie