Humour Quotes

She was tempted to take the elevator instead of the stairs just this once. But that was how it started. Take the elevator tonight because she was tired and her feet hurt from having been trapped in three-inch stilettos all day, and then tomorrow she'd want to take it because she was running late. Then, the next thing she knew she'd be taking elevators all over the place because she got winded climbing stairs.

~ Melissa F. Miller

Lentokonesuihkuturbiinimoottoriapumekaanikkoaliupseerioppilas (technical warrant officer trainee specialised in aircraft jet engines)

~ Tarja Moles

You know what the best thing is about the end of the day? Tomorrow, it starts all over again.

~ Douglas Coupland

I want you to move in with me, man.Nah. I appreciate it, but I need to get a place of my own. I'm a grownup.

~ Damon Suede

Casting my own eye down Fifth Avenue as my belly swelled, I would register with incredulity: Every one of these people came from a woman's cunt.

~ Lionel Shriver

Political life is best treated with antibiotics.

~ Colin Tegerdine

‎Your heart is in your chest. It supplies the blood to your cells. Even if you don't think about it, your heart is always pumping. The heart is the most important organ in the body. Without it, you will die.'What grade are you teaching these days?' Joel asked. ' Because either this is really sad...or really profound.

~ Jordan Castillo Price

Women treat us [men] like humanity treats gods – they worship us and keep bothering us to do something.

~ Oscar Wilde

In a Pyongyang restaurant, don't ever ask for a doggie bag.

~ Christopher Hitchens

[About Uluru] I'm suggesting nothing here, but I will say that if you were an intergalactic traveler who had broken down in our solar system, the obvious directions to rescuers would be: Go to the third planet and fly around till you see the big red rock. You can't miss it. If ever on earth they dig up a 150,000-year-old rocket ship from the galaxy Zog, this is where it will be. I'm not saying I expect it to happen; not saying that at all. I'm just observing that if I were looking for an ancient starship this is where I would start digging.

~ Bill Bryson

Every Englishman abroad, until it is proved to the contrary, likes to consider himself a traveller and not a tourist.

~ Evelyn Waugh

You can get anywhere in Pakistan if you know people, even into jail.

~ Salman Rushdie

Recklessness is almost a man's revenge on his woman.

~ D.h. Lawrence

...the primary paradox that man is superior to all the things around him and yet is at their mercy.

~ G.k. Chesterton

My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic.

~ Spike Milligan

The men who made the joke saw something deep which they could not express except by something silly and emphatic.

~ G.k. Chesterton

mystery is not founded in ignorance, mystery is founded in imagination

~ S. Spencer Baker

Anyway, as the old barrelhouse song says, My God, how the money rolled in. Norton must have subscribed to the old Puritan notion that the best way to figure out which folks God favours is by checking their bank acounts.

~ Stephen King

If asked which words one associated with the Sahara, only the most dedicated surrealist might be expected to offer whale.

~ Eamonn Gearon

Logan licked a glob of strawberry jelly from her lower lip and smiled upat Odin. Only one comment seemed to perfectly fit her current situation. “Isee dead people.”He leaned forward, hands on his hips. “Me, too. It’s the only explanationfor what’s standing in front of me. Unless some high school kids broke intothe anatomy closet and stole the classroom skeleton, stretched some cadaverskin over that bitch then cast an ancient ritual to animate it.

~ Jennifer Turner

Having one eye makes you see the world in unusual ways, Shockwave... -Overlord

~ Nick Roche

- Sometimes I think people would believe in aliens before they'd believe in demons- That's how it is, now!

~ Jon Skovron

I smiled at him, “It’s okay, boys can be dumb.”Alex smirked, “Yeah, and girls can drive you crazy.

~ Joanne Mcclean

Such a narrative as this demands some sort of physical consolation for its spiritual tribulation. Our heroine received it in one last cup of tea. The reader may be advised to do so likewise.

~ Emily C.a. Snyder

Another strike of lightening – now accompanied by the deep-bellied rumble, and the horse reared, incidentally setting Henry very picturesquely against the inconstant moon. Alas, Catherine was deeply engaged in her argument with Old Edric and this missed entirely the melodramatic display. But we may assume that, possessing so strong an imagination, Catherine had often pictured Henry thus...

~ Emily C.a. Snyder

It'd be funny if one of them was called Gavin. Funny but irrelevant.

~ John Marsden

In fact the bare adjective bad hardly scratches the surface of the man's awesome incapacity.

~ John Biggins

What's happened is somewhere, along the line, as a society, we confused the notion of 'home' with the possibility of 'an investment opportunity'. What kind of creature wants to live in an 'investment opportunity'? Only man.The fox has his den. The bee has his hive. The stoat, has, uh... his stoat-hole... but only man chooses to make his nest in an investment opportunity. Mmm, snuggled down in the lovely credit! All warm, in the mortgage payment, mmmmm...

~ Stewart Lee

I liked, as I like still, to make words look self-conscious and foolish, to bind them by mock marriage of a pun, to turn them inside out, to come upon them unawares. What is this jest in majesty? This ass in passion? How do god and devil combine to form a live dog?

~ Vladimir Nabokov

On the Ning Nang NongWhere the Cows go Bong!And the Monkeys all say Boo!Theres a Nang Nong NingWhere the trees go Ping!And the tea pots Jibber Jabber JooOn the Nong Ning NangAll the Mice go Clang!And you just cant catch em when they do!So its Ning Nang Nong!Cows go Bong!Nong Nang Ning!Trees go Ping!Nong Ning Nang!The mice go Clang!What a noisy place to belong,Is the Ning Nang Ning Nang Nong!

~ Spike Milligan

Where do rumors come from, Sir Kofa? i was truly curious to know the answer.Where don't they come from? I suppose the majority of rumors are a combination of leaked information and the astouding imaginations of numerous storytellers. And, of course, the hope that things aren't really as boring as they seem on the surface.

~ Max Frei

People have many cruel expectations from writers. People expect novelists to live on a hill with three kids and a spouse, people expect children's story writers to never have sex, and people expect all great poets to be dead. And these are all very difficult expectations to fulfill, I think.

~ C. Joybell C.

He looked up at them, a scruffy Napoleon with his laces trailing, exiled to a rose-trellised Elba.

~ Terry Pratchett

Check-ups are, in my experience, a grave mistake; all they do is allow the quack of your choice to tell you that you have some sort of complaint that you were far happier not knowing about.

~ John Mortimer

This is not the way things are done in Boy’s Own Adventure books. I recall no mentions of homosexual gang-rape and cannibalism

~ Robert Rankin

leave not a speck.that may cause a wreck...

~ Tushar Raheja

You probably think that being a guest in your aunt's house I would hesitate to butter you all over the front lawn and dance on the fragments in hobnailed boots, but you are mistaken. It would be a genuine pleasure. By an odd coincidence I brought a pair of hobnailed boots with me!' So saying, and recognising a good exit line when he saw one, he strode out, and after an interval of tense meditation I followed him. (Spode to Wooster)

~ P.g. Wodehouse

The more you read and observe about this Politics thing,you got to admit that each party is worse than the other.The one that's out always looks the best

~ Will Rogers

Humour is meant, in a literal sense, to make game of man; that is, to dethrone him from his official dignity and hunt him like game.

~ G.k. Chesterton

With him big Phil from Notting Hill an old face from the sixties a pin up gangster with a mars bar weal scraping his left cheek and of course two wag slags in tow trussed up like French Poodles with Bratz babe stares and Gucci Handbags

~ Saira Viola