Humour Quotes

Why save the rainforest, the whales, or the world when you can devote your time to saving syllables?

~ Lindsay Faith Rech

I'm not a detective from Baker Street or an old lady who solves crimes while she's knitting in an easy chair. I'm just a book girl. So I can't make a deduction, only take a flight of fancy--er, forget I said that. I meant, I can only take a guess.

~ Mizuki Nomura

...You haven't I suppose ever mixed with politicians at close quarters. They're awful...their stupidity is inhuman.

~ Robert Skidelsky

Need to get to Ruislip by sparrow-fart though', said the squadron leader. 'Think you can do that? Can I come along for the ride?

~ Robert Rankin

Dad instantly set out his stall:he wanted a big dog, a 'man dog',a dog that if it was human would enjoy a pint and stare at the barmaid's arse

~ Alan Carr

We are getting older fatter and balder. Each day brings us one step closer to death. Other than that, life's a ding-a-derry.

~ M. Kushner

How are you? My father could say this quicker than anybody. He was always the first to say how are you, provided the occasion called for it, and he saw his chance. Thanks to this skill, he was made ambassador to England ...

~ Péter Esterházy

After Puckoon I swore I'd never write another book. This is it

~ Spike Milligan

philosophy is not suited for the masses, what they need is holiness.

~ Friedrich Nietzsche

If you want to find out if someone is a true bookworm or not, give them a thousand page novel and see what happens.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

Shall we proceed, and ought I do so with my knife drawn?”“You’d better keep it where it is for the moment,” he said. “Otherwise you might stab me to death accidentally.” .“If I stab you to death,” she said, “it will not be accidental.

~ Loretta Chase

Sometime later the islanders on a little rimward atoll were amazed to find, washed into their little local lagoon, the wave-rocked corpse of a hideous sea monster, all beaks, eyes and tentacles. They were further astonished at its size, since it was rather larger than their village. But their surprise was tiny compared to the huge, stricken expression on the face of the dead monster, which appeared to be have been trampled to death.

~ Terry Pratchett

It was almost noon when the plane touched down at the Triad airport on the outskirts of Greensboro. There was a hire car waiting for me; I waved my notepad at the dashboard to transmit my profile, then waited as the seating and controls rearranged themselves slightly, piezoelectric actuators humming. As I started to reverse out of the parking bay, the stereo began a soothing improvisation, flashing up a deadpan title: Music for Leaving Airports 11 June 2008.

~ Greg Egan

Denis could think of no logical reason why he should not attempt to mate with Beth Cooper.There were no laws explicitly against it.They were of the same species, and had complementary sex organs, most likely, based on extensive mental modeling Denis had done.

~ Larry Doyle

God in his infinite wisdomDid not make me very wise-So when my actions are stupidThey hardly take God by surprise.

~ Langston Hughes

-I love you, Lenny.-From the diaphragm.-What are you talking about?-You have to say it from the diaphragm. That's a muscle in here. Real deep, not from the throat. I tried to be an actor once and that's the first thing they told me. That's when I quit. I just didn't have that much in my diaphragm.

~ Romain Gary

The encapsulated bird your conspirators sent you to fetch. The sterilized male chicken with the Creator DNA sequences. The plot capon. Where is it?

~ Charles Stross

He's got a chloroform-soaked rag in one hand, and before Judy realizes what's happening, the dude is all over her like fat on cheese.

~ Dean Koontz

...and thus he found his single source of joy in the society of other people: frightening the girls with his penis.

~ Christopher Moore

Whew,' he said, 'I'm glad that's over, Thomas. I've been feeling awfully bad about it.' It was only too evident that he no longer did.

~ Graham Greene

His jaw was set, telling me I should back off. Unfortunately, being a gobby cow meant I couldn’t.

~ Kyra Lennon

...we've already had one horrible thing happen today, which means that if you think about it the odds of anything else horrible happening again in the next few hours should now be quite low.

~ Joshua Donellan

He eased back and murmured, “You taste so damn sweet. Like maple syrup.”“And you taste like stolen bacon.

~ Lorelei James

Tell me you spotted a condom tree over to the right by the stream of lube.

~ Jane Davitt

A despairing arse will never produce a happy fart.

~ Frater U.:d.:

Eating was easy. Thinking was hard.

~ Jeanette Winterson

So asking you to take a moonlit walk with me, that would totally not work?What? Again that glare. Go away. Stop being an idiot. I don't even know you.You're healing my little brother Bowie.Yeah, that doesn't make us friends, kid.So no moonlight.Are you retarded?Sunrise? I could get up early.Go away.Sunset tomorrow? -Sanjit & Lana

~ Michael Grant

Well he should get over himself. He tried to get me burned at the stake in Brit History yesterday. Here I am minding my own business like a good little girl, and out of the blue Tucker raises his hand and accuses me of being a witch sounds like something Tucker would do admits wendy.Everybody had to vote on it. I barely escaped with my nuns life. Obviously I'll have to return the favour.

~ Cynthia Hand

Mary, you know I hate parties. My idea of hell is a very large party in a cold room where everybody has to play hockey properly.

~ Stella Gibbons

The craft's occupants clutched their armrests, and more than one of them closed their eyes. But not Artemis. He couldn't. There was something morbidly fascinating about flying into an uncharted tunnel at a reckless speed with only a kleptomaniac dwarf's word for what lay at the other end.

~ Eoin Colfer

Preserve me from such cordiality! It is like handling briar-roses and may-blossoms - bright enough to the eye, and outwardly soft to the touch, but you know there are thorns beneath, and every now and then you feel them too; and perhaps resent the injury by crushing them in till you have destroyed their power, though somewhat to the detriment of your own fingers.

~ Anne Brontë

GUIL: It [Hamlet's madness] really boils down to symptoms. Pregnant replies, mystic allusions, mistaken identities, arguing his father is his mother, that sort of thing; intimations of suicide, forgoing of exercise, loss of mirth, hints of claustrophobia not to say delusions of imprisonment; invocations of camels, chameleons, capons, whales, weasels, hawks, handsaws -- riddles, quibbles and evasions; amnesia, paranoia, myopia; day-dreaming, hallucinations; stabbing his elders, abusing his parents, insulting his lover, and appearing hatless in public -- knock-kneed, droop-stockinged and sighing like a love-sick schoolboy, which at his age is coming on a bit strong.ROS: And talking to himself.GUIL: And talking to himself.

~ Tom Stoppard

If you were going to be successful in the world of crime, you needed a reputation for honesty.

~ Terry Pratchett

Aim towards enemy. - instructions on U.S. rocket launcher

~ U.s. Instruction Manual

You will be interested to hear, Hilary, that it [the drug] had a most remarkable effect — even on Selena after a very modest quantity. She cast off all conventional restraints and devoted herself without shame to the pleasure of the moment. I asked for particulars of this uncharacteristic conduct. She took from her handbag a paperback edition of Pride and Prejudice and sat on the sofa reading it, declining all offers of conversation.

~ Sarah Caudwell

There's always a 'but' when it comes to jobs. Like, I love my job but my colleagues are first-rate, but...a couple of them like to dress like superheroes on the weekend and I can't help but wonder if they're nuts. - Logan

~ Nicholas Sparks

Stephen nodded. 'Tell me,' he said, in a low voice, some moments later. 'Were I under naval discipline, could that fellow have me whipped?'He nodded towards Mr Marshall. 'The master?' cried Jack, with inexpressible amazement. 'Yes,' said Stephen looking attentively at him, with his head slightly inclined to the left. 'But he is the master...' said Jack. If Stephen had called the sophies stem her stern, or her truck her keel, he would have understood the situation directly; but that Stephen should confuse the chain of command, the relative status of a captain and a master, of a commissioned officer and a warrant officer, so subverted the natural order, so undermined the sempiternal universe, that for a moment his mind could hardly encompass it. Yet Jack, though no great scholar, no judge of a hexameter, was tolerably quick, and after gasping no more than twice he said, 'My dear sir, I beleive you have been lead astray by the words master and master and commander- illogical terms, I must confess. The first is subordinate to the second. You must allow me to explain our naval ranks some time. But in any case you will never be flogged- no, no; you shall not be flogged,' he added, gazing with pure affection, and with something like awe, at so magnificent a prodigy, at an ignorance so very far beyond anything that even his wide-ranging mind had yet conceived.

~ Patrick O'brian

We are searching for the same thing,” Stripey said.“How do you know?” Janco asked.“I read his mind.” The Sitian pointed to Ari. “Yours was too…chaotic. Too many useless thoughts to wade through.”A compliment or an insult? Janco guessed compliment and preened.

~ Maria V. Snyder

Mercer,” Polly says, “we are now going to hug. As a group. The experience will be very un-English. It will be good for you. Do not speak, at all, especially not in an attempt to diffuse the emotional intensity of the situation.”They hug, somewhat awkwardly, but with great feeling.“Well,” Mercer says, after a moment, “that was certainly—”“I will hit you with a shovel,” Polly Cradle murmurs.

~ Nick Harkaway

The thought of talking about it made Pueblo's gut ache, but then he thought of everything that Amy had been through – not that she'd told him her version yet. She had balls of steel, he thought with a smile. And what did he have? Three pairs of loin cloths going crisp on the radiator.

~ Dianna Hardy